by Feverdream » July 18th, 2017, 7:14 pm
So, someone got in touch asking about how this all worked out for me. I thought other folks might like to hear the follow up as well.
The effects stuck around for a long time! As they will as long as you keep reinforcing them by continuing to listen and engage with the files. Vive especially has a very skillfully composed and thoughtful body of work. I believe him to be a genuinely ethical hypnotist who is engaged in the fetish community for all the right reasons. He is personally gratified by the pleasure he receives from interacting with the minds of his listeners, and he enjoys giving people the experiences that they seek. To the extent that he offers any "evil" or dark files, it is that he is responding to the wishes of those who choose to listen.
And that is the way of all hypnosis, isn't it? It all relies upon you and what you want for yourself. None of it can work unless you, or some part of you, choose to actively participate and accept the suggestions.
So, everything about me is a little bit complicated. I have an extremely demanding real life, in a career that requires me to be very in control and responsible for people's lives. That is an exhausting burden, and it builds up a lot of persistent mental tension. People who are under extraordinary stresses will go a little mad, one way or another. I've found it adaptive to choose my crazy, rather than letting it just happen to me. Like many people who must be in control in daily life, I deeply enjoy losing control in varied and novel ways when I have the opportunity, and so I explore themes of submission, power exchange, subversion, mind control, and body modification.
My adventures in erotic hypnosis occur in episodic waves, dependent upon how demanding my "real life" is at the moment. Sometimes, the requirements of my job "snap me out" of all of my fetish fun, by necessity. I cannot pay the kind of close attention that I must when I'm in a stupor of trance. When this happens, I tend to leave behind whatever projects or schemes I'd had, even to the point that I forget a lot of their details. If there weren't forum posts to remind me of it, I wouldn't recall a lot of the antics I've gotten up to over the years.
I fear this doesn't make me a great contributor to the community, as I've needed to turn down offers to collaborate... as well as finding myself unable to maintain long term D/s relationships with anyone beyond making / listening to occasional files. I disappear for weeks/months/years at a stretch, making me a very unreliable correspondent. Apologies for that.
If I recall correctly, during this particular episode, I had several weeks of relative freedom from outside responsibilities, and I took advantage of it by driving myself into an absolute fucking frenzy of unquencheable lust. I used Vive's hypnosis to make it impossible for me to get myself off, or even for some time, to really try. Meanwhile, I exposed myself to as much erotic imagery as I could stand.
Throughout a period which was really just a couple of months, but which seems like much longer, I burned. I call myself feverdream, and that is exactly what I caused to happen to myself. I felt like a furnace, constantly emanating an uncontainable heat, an ache, a burn... wrapped up in a delirium borne of wanting, needing, craving. I was a bowstring drawn to its extreme and held there, notched, ready and yet unreleased. But that isn't right, because it suggests that there was some plateau, some height of intensity that was finally reached and maintained, steadily. That wasn't the way of it... rather, every single moment of the experience exceeded those that had gone before. Of course that wasn't sustainable, but I never did find a point where it couldn't have continued further, if only I had the stamina and the opportunity to persist.
It was an exhausting way to spend time off, let me tell you. But, that was what I needed at that time.
When the time came that I needed to come fully back to my senses, to stop my slow explosion of denial and erotic mania... I stopped listening to the files. I disengaged from the art that I'd been making using the wild energy that I was channeling. After a few days of failed attempts, I was able to push myself through the barrier, to my first orgasm in months. I recall that it was less a climactic relief than a sharp but brief pain, like taking a punch or ripping off a bandaid. Oh, it was pleasurable, but somehow very unpleasantly so. Still, that broke the spell, and though the next few orgasms were also difficult to achieve, the quickly became increasingly normal in their character. And that was that.
Some part of me mourned the loss of the beautiful excruciation that I'd put myself to... and wondered how much farther I could have pushed it, but most of me was back to being all business putting all erotic thought and experience so low on my list of priorities that it hardly entered my mind on any given day.
With rare exception, that has been my state until fairly recently. I've explored denial, so that isn't where my current daydreaming is taking me. I might circle around to it again, but it is hard to tell. Part of the joy of this aspect of my life is that I can't plan or control where my whims will take me.
I can't really recommend that anyone treat their mind and sanity as I do my own. I take a lot of risks and push my own limits in ways that would not be fun for everyone... but which I find absolutely therapeutic. Still, if you are anything like the kind of damned fool that I am, then maybe my experience will inspire you in some way.