by slutinmyhead » December 8th, 2012, 11:12 pm
Just posted a new blog at slutinmyhead.com if anyone's interested... Ah fuck it... I'll just cut and paste it here...
For most of my life, I've been a misfit in society. I never quite fit in with the overachievers growing up. They were focused on grades and followed the rules. I was often drawn to counterculture ideas, anti-authority ideals and hell bent on exploiting the system. This made me a hero among my underachiever friends, but there was often a disconnect there too. I would often focus on big ideas or immerse myself in various projects that my druggie friends simply had little interest in (but they sure did love it when I learned to make various drugs). The result was that I compartmentalized myself. I tried not to horrify the kids in my gifted classes or in science club (yes, I was in science club). I also did drugs with the druggies, engaged in a little crime now and then, became sexualized much younger than anyone else I knew and tried not to take it personally that every time I tried to talk about something real, everyone called me crazy.
I dropped out of high school on my 16th birthday, scored a perfect score on the GED and qualified for a scholarship to college. I got straight As my first semester, then flaked out my second. I embezzled $6000 from my place of employment and hopped a cargo train to New Orleans. The next decade or so, I hitch-hiked and hopped trains all over the U.S., occasionally coming home for a semester or two and eventually managing to pick up a degree. During that time, I lived by my wits, scammed companies everywhere and really did party like a rock star. It's amazing I survived. I also joined MENSA for a couple of meetings, still didn't find what I was looking for, and returned to the comfort of my mostly interchangeable drug friends. These were fun years of chasing spirituality and meaning and even sometimes convincing myself I'd found it (thank you LSD). I did loads of traveling: all over Europe, the middle East, Central America, Mexico, the Carribbean islands, Canada, and of course, the U.S.
I've since earned a second degree and become respectable, but have always been haunted by my "potential." All my life, I've been told I had such potential and by so many people, and yet I've never been able to execute any of the things it's been most important to me to accomplish. I've done loads of other weird shit... concocting a dietary supplement that makes semen addictive, growing a culture of smallpox vaccine, etc... As it turns out, this affliction is actually pretty common among gifted adults, but it really is psychological torture. I exist in a bubble of existential ennui. What does it all mean? Very possibly - nothing.
Last week, I turned 38. The week before I was diagnosed with optic neuropathy in my left eye and told I'd eventually lose all vision in it. I walk pretty well, but have ominous pain in my left knee by evening and expect this will only worsen with age. I've got high blood pressure and my heart skips beats. My worst fear is that I'll have a stroke. Young people don't survive them.
Will I ever be a success? Probably not. Will I ever have kids? I really want them and always expected to have them eventually. But probably not. So, what is my life about? What am I here for? These have been hard questions to answer and I'm still having trouble accepting the answers I have,
So, last weekend, I decided it was time for something drastic.
I built a transcranial direct current stimulator. It was easier than I expected it to be. I've spent the past week augmenting and dampening select anatomical structures of my brain. For my first experiment, I stimulated my dorsolateral prefrontal cortex. I took an IQ test before and a different one after, with a net gain of 40 points. Effects seemed to last about a half hour afterward. For my second experiment, I temporarily gave myself autism with the intention of developing savant abilities. I had an improved ability to do math in my head. I also tried drawing, but this was more difficult to gauge, as I'm already a pretty decent artist. Continued experiments are on their way... One of my plans is to experiment with inducing temporal lobe epilepsy, particularly to nurture the side effect of hypergraphia. I will finally write those books!
I also recently ordered several precurser chemicals to produce my own neurotransmitters. I've been thinking for some time about the biological basis for internal motivation. It's been determined that intrinsic motivation is more effective than external rewards, yet research is notoriously scant on where intrinsic motivation comes from. I've been thinking long and hard on this the last month or so. It seems to me, like so many other aspects of our selves, it's based on a combination of nature and nurture. What we're born with - I think - is curiosity and an aversion to boredom, basically a desire for novelty, most likely due to dopamine. I am currently thinking these first drives are reinforced by your parents with the external reward of attention and praise. This develops into satisfaction at being effective and pride for one's accomplishments, likely the result of serotonin.
I know myself well enough to determine I am influenced heavily by dopamine. My life has basically been a chase for ever increasing novelty. It is possible I may have had low serotonin during one of my stages of development. Any satisfaction I derive from my accomplishments is fleeting, and I have a tendency to be particularly hard on myself for my perceived failings. I was supposed to have saved the world by now...
Well, 95% of your serotonin is made in your gut lining and I was a very picky eater as a kid, so it's possible I missed introducing some vital species of flora. Is it too late to change? Is there still time to reach my potential before I'm blind and crippled and my brain's filled with blood clots?
So many of my experiments are really about fixing myself. So much of my fascination with psychology and neuroscience is about the mere flimsy hope of someday reaching my potential.
I've ordered mct, aniracetam, dlpa, dopa mucuna, green tea extract, gaba, 5-htp and oxytocin. I've also recently stumbled on a biohacker group out of L.A. that has an EEG machine and an interest in genetics I'm already considering how to make useful for my cause.
My fans - and I love you all - have been sending emails asking when I'll come out with more recordings. I do have some partially written scripts, but I can't work on them now. I'm busy. The truth is... I'm going to reach my potential. I'm going to do it soon or I'm going to die trying.
