Chibi wrote:
I guess I've really done a poor job explaining me and everything about me. I wished that I would have started with an explanation of the fantastic night I had in college with a girl who was stroking me and teasing me about hooking me up with her gay friend and taking me to a gay bar to see how hot it would be to try and land a guy there. How I had probably the best orgasm of my life that night. How I found an Advocate magazine in my college friends' dorm and stole it from him to read it and got so hot reading it. But then threw it out because I felt so guilty. Gay and bi fantasies have been suppressed my entire life to make "the right choice."
I've always done the "right" thing because even cumming to the idea of other choices led to extreme guilt and bad feelings afterwards. I never dealt with those feelings, I admit. I just did the right thing and got the right girlfriends and the right job and the right house and the right wife and and and...
The right thing was never to admit gay or bi fantasies to the right wife. To never share them or try to be okay with them myself. They only came in very sporadic (like once every couple of years) spurts of interest in being submissive to men/master/daddy/cock as concepts. I couldn't even look at pictures or porn because that made it too real and refocused the guilt. I suspect some of my aversion to seeing male couples together or kissing was a sick type of jealousy that was making have too much of an opinion. But stories without faces have been hot for a while. Except for the guilt that followed every time.
I can see this only through the light of the difference that I have experienced in the last several days. Maybe it is being "forced" to do something that I've deep down never let myself admit I wanted. Maybe it is about someone taking away all of the excuses and taking away the ability to find the "right" choice and just go in one direction.
I'm not saying that there aren't consequences... i'm just saying that I've always chosen the path with the least controversial consequences no matter what. To be free to experience another path and to realize that I haven't had an ounce of guilt when I am done with the file. For the first time ever I've looked at gay porn and relaxed into the hot horny feelings. I'm sick and tired of always doing the right thing...
I'm not sure I understand why, when this pandora's box has been opened, am I supposed to run back to my wife, reconvince the two of us that we should be having sex, seek counseling if we don't, and then declare a failed relationship to listen to an mp3 that is helping me feel so good about gay. Frankly, just the more positive interactions I've had with gay men at work has been eye-opening.
But I respect your opinions, I really do. So I'll stop banging away at this thread and do my best to leave the gay files to the single men. I'll go back and do the "right" thing. Once again. Best.
If you had written this first, you would have gotten entirely different responses from me and, I'm sure, from the rest of the forum thread.
I went through what you did when I was in college. It was a bit crueler for me. I was contemplating a vocation as a Roman Catholic priest and had applied to seminaries and had arranged for a scholarship through my church, who needed priests and was more than willing to pay all of my expenses to a wonderful seminary.
Before I went, I had a Revelation about my sexuality. Yes, I was confronted -- in my heart -- with the absolute truth that I was gay. Cruel? Oh, fuck, yeah? I was suicidal. (I obviously did not commit suicide, but it was close. These were my thoughts: God made me in an image he condemns, then wants me to serve him by being celibate? Oh, fuck that! I'm going to go to hell anyway but he wants me to serve his flock before I get cast into hell? That's fucking cruel ... sadistic ... am I that much of a masochist? (Well, yeah, I am, but really, I considered that as another, unrelated problem.)
I spent two years being clinically depressed and not revealing any part of why to anybody. (Homosexual? Mentally ill? Wants to serve God? Yeah, right ...!)
Been where you are, done that shit, have the scars.
If I had found WWM -- or some equivalent -- in those pre-Internet (Hell!, this was pre-personal computer!) days and been given access to and/or been made to listen to a file that
forced me to act on my desires, I would have freaked just as you're doing. Being
forced to confront my most secret desires, unleash my darkest longings, lose my inhibitions, do what I had always secretly longed to do, and being made to feel proud of who I am and what I'm doing? Hell, I would have considered that a fucking
literal MIRACLE!
My unsolicited advice: Be proud of who you are and what you are. Your feelings are honest and true. We were put on this earth to help others, yes, but the first and foremost command is to
know -- and love -- yourself!.
I rarely quote Scripture any more. However, Mark 12: 29-31 (and its parallel passages) makes the point so succinctly:
One of the teachers of the law came and heard them debating. Noticing that Jesus had given them a good answer, he asked him, “Of all the commandments, which is the most important?”
The most important one,” answered Jesus, “is this:
Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one Lord. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. [Deut 6:4-5] The second is this:
Love your neighbor as yourself. [Lev. 19:18] There is no commandment greater than these.” (New International Version)
Note the phrasing of the second commandment:"Love your neighbor
as yourself." This means that you need to love yourself before you can love others. That means accepting who you are --
ALL of who you are -- including your sexual needs, wants, and desires ... and loving -- and being proud -- all those portions of yourself.
The rave movement and Electronic Dance Music culture have a motto which sums up what I'm trying to expound:
Peace Love Unity Respect, usually shortened to
PLUR; I believe it's a worthwhile addition to the language. now if we could only live the ideals that the word embodies ....
The least confrontational path, is usually not the best or easiest path to take. Water takes the path of least resistance, which is not the same as saying that its path is easy. Water flows around boulders, forming perilous rapids; it plunges down cliffs, forming waterfalls which are beautiful to look at but hard to survive; when there is no outlet, water forms stagnant ponds where disease-carrying mosquitoes breed and, if the right (or wrong) minerals are carried to the pond by the water, the water becomes unhealthy, possibly deadly, to drink.
I found a way to be happy with and grateful for my sexuality. I hope you find a way to the same goal.