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I guess I've really done a poor job explaining me and everything about me. I wished that I would have started with an explanation of the fantastic night I had in college with a girl who was stroking me and teasing me about hooking me up with her gay friend and taking me to a gay bar to see how hot it would be to try and land a guy there. How I had probably the best orgasm of my life that night. How I found an Advocate magazine in my college friends' dorm and stole it from him to read it and got so hot reading it. But then threw it out because I felt so guilty. Gay and bi fantasies have been suppressed my entire life to make "the right choice."
I've always done the "right" thing because even cumming to the idea of other choices led to extreme guilt and bad feelings afterwards. I never dealt with those feelings, I admit. I just did the right thing and got the right girlfriends and the right job and the right house and the right wife and and and...
The right thing was never to admit gay or bi fantasies to the right wife. To never share them or try to be okay with them myself. They only came in very sporadic (like once every couple of years) spurts of interest in being submissive to men/master/daddy/cock as concepts. I couldn't even look at pictures or porn because that made it too real and refocused the guilt. I suspect some of my aversion to seeing male couples together or kissing was a sick type of jealousy that was making have too much of an opinion. But stories without faces have been hot for a while. Except for the guilt that followed every time.
I can see this only through the light of the difference that I have experienced in the last several days. Maybe it is being "forced" to do something that I've deep down never let myself admit I wanted. Maybe it is about someone taking away all of the excuses and taking away the ability to find the "right" choice and just go in one direction.
I'm not saying that there aren't consequences... i'm just saying that I've always chosen the path with the least controversial consequences no matter what. To be free to experience another path and to realize that I haven't had an ounce of guilt when I am done with the file. For the first time ever I've looked at gay porn and relaxed into the hot horny feelings. I'm sick and tired of always doing the right thing...
I'm not sure I understand why, when this pandora's box has been opened, am I supposed to run back to my wife, reconvince the two of us that we should be having sex, seek counseling if we don't, and then declare a failed relationship to listen to an mp3 that is helping me feel so good about gay. Frankly, just the more positive interactions I've had with gay men at work has been eye-opening.
But I respect your opinions, I really do. So I'll stop banging away at this thread and do my best to leave the gay files to the single men. I'll go back and do the "right" thing. Once again. Best.
I've always done the "right" thing because even cumming to the idea of other choices led to extreme guilt and bad feelings afterwards. I never dealt with those feelings, I admit. I just did the right thing and got the right girlfriends and the right job and the right house and the right wife and and and...
The right thing was never to admit gay or bi fantasies to the right wife. To never share them or try to be okay with them myself. They only came in very sporadic (like once every couple of years) spurts of interest in being submissive to men/master/daddy/cock as concepts. I couldn't even look at pictures or porn because that made it too real and refocused the guilt. I suspect some of my aversion to seeing male couples together or kissing was a sick type of jealousy that was making have too much of an opinion. But stories without faces have been hot for a while. Except for the guilt that followed every time.
I can see this only through the light of the difference that I have experienced in the last several days. Maybe it is being "forced" to do something that I've deep down never let myself admit I wanted. Maybe it is about someone taking away all of the excuses and taking away the ability to find the "right" choice and just go in one direction.
I'm not saying that there aren't consequences... i'm just saying that I've always chosen the path with the least controversial consequences no matter what. To be free to experience another path and to realize that I haven't had an ounce of guilt when I am done with the file. For the first time ever I've looked at gay porn and relaxed into the hot horny feelings. I'm sick and tired of always doing the right thing...
I'm not sure I understand why, when this pandora's box has been opened, am I supposed to run back to my wife, reconvince the two of us that we should be having sex, seek counseling if we don't, and then declare a failed relationship to listen to an mp3 that is helping me feel so good about gay. Frankly, just the more positive interactions I've had with gay men at work has been eye-opening.
But I respect your opinions, I really do. So I'll stop banging away at this thread and do my best to leave the gay files to the single men. I'll go back and do the "right" thing. Once again. Best.