Please aid with first script (Sunless Tan)

[grubs]

First off, please excuse me if this is in the entirly wrong spot & if so, could someone please direct me to the proper spot to get reviews & suggestions on scripts Thanks loves :*

OK guys (and gals)... The moment has arrived. I wrote my first script. I'm becoming a real hypnotist... Well at least I hope I am :)

Could those of you with a little more skill than I please review it & let me know what you think. Provide feed back on good areas, bad areas, what could be improved, how & why, etc.

I know the topic of sun-less taning isnt too big on the market, but I figured gotta start small... And I have other scripts running through my head, it was just the first that came out.

One last note. The ending bit, with the computer... I'm a comp sci major & plan on using the idea of the computer in my other scripts... maybe even make a script focusing on it itself. So while it might not be too strong here, I'm hoping after having it in this one & 3 or 4 others its a little stronger....

So without any more adu...

OK, its time to make some changes to your body. These are going to be beneficial changes, and you will find them to be very useful. The first change we are going to make will allow you to get a sun tan without going tanning. You should be well aware of the risks that tanning poses, damaging your skin and increasing your risks of skin cancer. This file will help your body generate a tan without having to go to a tanning booth or sit out in the sun.

I want you to now come away with me to a very relaxing park. Look around you. All you can see is grass covered hills, with a few little flowers dotting the grass in pretty yellows, and reds. Look up at the lovely blue sky. Not a cloud in the sky. The sun is out shining brightly away. It is so peaceful and so relaxing. Take off your shirt and lay down on the blanket, shut your eyes and relax. Feel the sun’s warmth beat down on you. Feel it warming up your arms and legs, chest and face. Feel your entire body becoming warm. Let the suns rays completely take over your body.

I want you to imagine yourself laying there for hours, letting the sun pelt its warm relaxing rays down upon you the entire time. Feel your face, arms, chest and legs radiate the heat. They are so comfortably warm.

So warm, so relaxing. Let the sun’s rays warm your body. Let the rays relax you, no worries, just lay there relaxing for hours.

OK. Now that you have spent some time lying down in the sun, I want you to sit up. Open your eyes. Look at your arms. Look at your chest. And look at your legs. Notice how nice and dark they look now? See what effect the sun’s rays had on them.

I want you to lie back down. Allow the sun’s rays to wash over you again. Feel their relaxing affects as they begin to warm your body again. Let your arms and legs and chest begin to feel warm. Let the sun start its tanning work on your body again. This time I want you to roll your head over, and look at your arm as you lay there tanning. Look closely at it. I want you to imagine you can look so close at your arm that you can actually see down into the skin cells. Watch the cells on your arm as they react to the warm sun rays. Watch and feel what they do. Feel how the warmth of the sun and its rays trigger your body to produce more melanin. Imagine yourself inside your arm now. Feel all of the signals your body’s cells are passing forth to each other. Pay special attention to the signals telling your cells to begin to pump out so much melanin. Feel the signals that your body is sending to the cells in your arm instructing them to produce melanin. Feel that command. Remember it. It is important that you remember that command.

Now I want you to imagine yourself inside of your head. Inside of your head there is a computer that controls your entire body. You will be able to come to this computer whenever you want. It is your computer to control as you need. It is always on, and it is always working, and works so well it can read your thoughts. I want you to sit down at this computer. Think of giving it an instruction and it will prompt you to tell it what to do. Now think back to while you were still in the arm. Remember the command the body was sending naturally? Think about that command. Let the computer read your thoughts. Let it input the commands that you remembered from your time in the arm. Now the computer knows the command you want to use. It needs to know where. Think of your entire body. All areas covered by skin. This will ensure a nice even tan all over your body. No tan lines at all, no farmer’s tans. Your entire body will become tan automatically. Now the computer asks for duration. Think about the nice bronze color you like to be. The computer will know to shut off the program automatically once it has triggered enough melanin to be created to make your skin appear this color. Now, you need to save the file. Think about saving it as “self-tanning”, in a folder called Triggerables right on the desktop so it will be easily found later, when you need it.

That’s it. You’re done. You can now leave the computer, and return to the trance with me.

Remember, when you notice your body needing to be tanned again, when you start becoming pale, simply close your eyes, and envision yourself back in your head at your computer. Open the Triggerables folder, find the self-tanning file and activate it.

It will send the command that you remembered from your arm, way back when you were inside of your arm, throughout your entire body, causing your entire body to generate melanin which will cause your body to return to the nice dark bronze color it was. Once your body has produced enough melanin, it will automatically stop sending the signal to make more melanin and the program will stop running until you decide to activate it again.