Confession tiiime. Why I masturbate and do hypnosis

[arcanecandycane]

This's supposed to have some form of therapeutic benefit, letting out your emotions and what not. So okay.

I masturbate to a mirror. Yeahup to myself. I don't do porn 'coz i find porn derogatory in how it objectifies people as objects of pleasure and perversion. What about myself? Myself as someone else; someone stronger, or someone more ideal. I'm not exactly the most masculine person out there. Well, in terms of lifestyle at least. I don't play sports, i lift only for the heck of it? to get bigger and stuff. I don't think of girls, or hoot or check them out. I couldn't give a lesser fuck about the NBA or who's winning "the game" whatever the game is. But somehow I feel bad that I do, because everyone always seems to prefer what I'm not. I have troubel relating to some of my friends because I don't play sports. When I talk to relatives about art and design they just go "oooh that's nice" or shrug or something.

So I'm afraid I'm developing this split persona inside me, the one i see wheni masturbate, or when i listen to hypnosis files. i listen to jock files, and everytime i do i can't muster the willpower to allow myself to become a jock. i'd be lying to myself, and i'd be defeating the whole purpose of my existence. i always tell myself that when i do become a jock i wouldn't even care! and i probably wouldn't. but people will, and how selfish would it be of me to shut everyone out just so i could be someone else when i know i have some people who already love me for the way i am. there isn't a lot of them, but they're there. i love my skills and talents, my creativity, everything about me, but i hate the feeling of being compared to some standard that society's set for you; how being quiet means your an antisocial, or how not playing sports means you're gay or not a man.

i'm not saying it's bad to be gay, 'specially since feminization's pretty popular 'round these parts, but I'm not gay. Although I've only fallen in love with 2 girls. With guys i get jealous, i'll admit that; jealous or their, guyness, how manly they are and how confident they can be with the way they carry themselves. i want to be that, to think like that, that's why i have my dirty dirty vices.

I just came a few minutes ago. yeah to that guy. and i wanna stop. i'm getting desperate. i don't to just give up and embrace this new persona, because that isn't me. i can change, sure. but that isn't the change that i want to become. people commend me for being so, uh, creative, smart, intelligent, nice to a certain extent? yeah those things. but why is it that everyone else seems to shun this side of me. why can't i just be normal like everyone else. why'd i have to be artistic or introverted. i really don't know what to do exactly.

[uw_onsterfelijk]

You are obviously young, yes?

As far as the you not fitting in well, that's a two way street! You state that "you" couldn't give a fuck about who's winning the game and yet, you are upset over someone not giving a fuck about your art/artistic endeavors.

I guess you can see where "they" come from upon a little self reflection, true?

The friends you make need to compliment you and either be into, or at least interested, in the same things you are. If family members aren't well, that's life.

Please don't take this the wrong way. Embrace who and what you are, and shape your life around that. But, if you want to change something then go for it. But for yourself, not for others.

I feel my advice is a bit limited as your post seems a bit vague to understand. If you would like to try and clarify a bit more I'd be happy to reply again.

All the best,
- uw_