Confession tiiime. Why I masturbate and do hypnosis
Posted: April 21st, 2013, 12:59 amThis's supposed to have some form of therapeutic benefit, letting out your emotions and what not. So okay.
I masturbate to a mirror. Yeahup to myself. I don't do porn 'coz i find porn derogatory in how it objectifies people as objects of pleasure and perversion. What about myself? Myself as someone else; someone stronger, or someone more ideal. I'm not exactly the most masculine person out there. Well, in terms of lifestyle at least. I don't play sports, i lift only for the heck of it? to get bigger and stuff. I don't think of girls, or hoot or check them out. I couldn't give a lesser fuck about the NBA or who's winning "the game" whatever the game is. But somehow I feel bad that I do, because everyone always seems to prefer what I'm not. I have troubel relating to some of my friends because I don't play sports. When I talk to relatives about art and design they just go "oooh that's nice" or shrug or something.
So I'm afraid I'm developing this split persona inside me, the one i see wheni masturbate, or when i listen to hypnosis files. i listen to jock files, and everytime i do i can't muster the willpower to allow myself to become a jock. i'd be lying to myself, and i'd be defeating the whole purpose of my existence. i always tell myself that when i do become a jock i wouldn't even care! and i probably wouldn't. but people will, and how selfish would it be of me to shut everyone out just so i could be someone else when i know i have some people who already love me for the way i am. there isn't a lot of them, but they're there. i love my skills and talents, my creativity, everything about me, but i hate the feeling of being compared to some standard that society's set for you; how being quiet means your an antisocial, or how not playing sports means you're gay or not a man.
i'm not saying it's bad to be gay, 'specially since feminization's pretty popular 'round these parts, but I'm not gay. Although I've only fallen in love with 2 girls. With guys i get jealous, i'll admit that; jealous or their, guyness, how manly they are and how confident they can be with the way they carry themselves. i want to be that, to think like that, that's why i have my dirty dirty vices.
I just came a few minutes ago. yeah to that guy. and i wanna stop. i'm getting desperate. i don't to just give up and embrace this new persona, because that isn't me. i can change, sure. but that isn't the change that i want to become. people commend me for being so, uh, creative, smart, intelligent, nice to a certain extent? yeah those things. but why is it that everyone else seems to shun this side of me. why can't i just be normal like everyone else. why'd i have to be artistic or introverted. i really don't know what to do exactly.
I masturbate to a mirror. Yeahup to myself. I don't do porn 'coz i find porn derogatory in how it objectifies people as objects of pleasure and perversion. What about myself? Myself as someone else; someone stronger, or someone more ideal. I'm not exactly the most masculine person out there. Well, in terms of lifestyle at least. I don't play sports, i lift only for the heck of it? to get bigger and stuff. I don't think of girls, or hoot or check them out. I couldn't give a lesser fuck about the NBA or who's winning "the game" whatever the game is. But somehow I feel bad that I do, because everyone always seems to prefer what I'm not. I have troubel relating to some of my friends because I don't play sports. When I talk to relatives about art and design they just go "oooh that's nice" or shrug or something.
So I'm afraid I'm developing this split persona inside me, the one i see wheni masturbate, or when i listen to hypnosis files. i listen to jock files, and everytime i do i can't muster the willpower to allow myself to become a jock. i'd be lying to myself, and i'd be defeating the whole purpose of my existence. i always tell myself that when i do become a jock i wouldn't even care! and i probably wouldn't. but people will, and how selfish would it be of me to shut everyone out just so i could be someone else when i know i have some people who already love me for the way i am. there isn't a lot of them, but they're there. i love my skills and talents, my creativity, everything about me, but i hate the feeling of being compared to some standard that society's set for you; how being quiet means your an antisocial, or how not playing sports means you're gay or not a man.
i'm not saying it's bad to be gay, 'specially since feminization's pretty popular 'round these parts, but I'm not gay. Although I've only fallen in love with 2 girls. With guys i get jealous, i'll admit that; jealous or their, guyness, how manly they are and how confident they can be with the way they carry themselves. i want to be that, to think like that, that's why i have my dirty dirty vices.
I just came a few minutes ago. yeah to that guy. and i wanna stop. i'm getting desperate. i don't to just give up and embrace this new persona, because that isn't me. i can change, sure. but that isn't the change that i want to become. people commend me for being so, uh, creative, smart, intelligent, nice to a certain extent? yeah those things. but why is it that everyone else seems to shun this side of me. why can't i just be normal like everyone else. why'd i have to be artistic or introverted. i really don't know what to do exactly.