OMG! It's happening!

[espfrench]

ONG! It's finally happening :,-) I am so stoked! I just got to tell someone.
For about a year and a half now I've been using Sarnoga's set of 4 Diaper Dependency files. That gradually leave you permanently incontinent?
Well last month I finally realized I had begun voiding my bladder without consciously thinking about it. I'd become bladder incontinent :,-) it was time to start the final file in the set.
Sarnoga's Diaper Dependency Level 4 is his final step. It's designed to remove all voluntary bowl control. And make you COMPLETELY diaper dependant.
So for the last month now I've been listening to a set of 5 files, that culminate with Sarnoga's 4th file.
It's 03:00 now on 31May21, and I've finally finished my rounds, untill five, when I start my last checks and my "get ups".
It was about 01:07 when I first realised it was happening :,-) one second I was walking down the hall... And the next, I realised I was poopING! There was a BM half way out of me squishing into the seat of my diaper, and back up between my cheeks! Now, up untill this I'd dun pointy of BMs in my diaper. But they'd always been me making the choice and the effort.
This one wasn't anything I'd thought about! It was just happenING all on its own!
I immediately went to get my bag and clean up in the tubroom of course... But :,-) OMG! It's working!
I can't wait to get home and listen to my files again!
Trust me on this! If you aren't ready to spend the rest of your life in diapers and plastic panties? Steer clear of these last two files. They really do work!
Thank you Sarnoga so much! My only regret is that I didn't start this journey sooner.

[espfrench]

Sarnoga,
It's over!
It's been 3 days now without any warning from my bowls. I'm sorta amazed at how fast this last file worked, after all the trouble I had with the others. (Not that I'm complaining mind you. Quite the opposite.
I now DRIBBLE pee constantly and poop without any sort of "advanced notice".
AND... This afternoon I woke up to realize... I wasn't just wet! I'd actually slept through a BM! And I have no idea when it happened.
I'm now COMPLETELY & PERMANENTLY INCONTINENT!
Over the last couple nights at work I used some of my 'down time' to splice what's left of my copies of your steps 3&4, into a single file, that I can play as a loop when I'm sleeping.
I intend to keep using it for the next few weeks. A, Just to make certain everything's 'locked in' and really irrevocable. And B, Just because I like this file.
But the truth is. I already know I'm going to be in diapers now, for the rest of my life. (Who. That sounds so great when I say it out loud. <3 ) I'm so fracking stoked.

[Diapers77]

I Wanna have the Same Effect, i had this 4 Files, are you starting with the First one? I want to start directly with 3+4

[mustwanderlust]

How do you deal with the weird and constant buy bigger clothing, tell your friends, etc stuff in the file?

[espfrench]

Deer Diaper77,
No I started with the first one. And went through all four files one at a time.
However I did use an audio editing program, to edit out a whole lot of dead wood that was not relevant to my own situation.
- IE.
* Being female, the word "urinal" was not just "deadwood". It was down right directing. Especially when I was trying to maintain a trance.
* I personally work nights, and so the lines about "each morning" had to go too.
* Once I'd learned to trans, I didn't need that same lesson over and over again.
* And as I was looping the file in my sleep I didn't need Saranoga waking me up after each loop. I've got an alarm clock for that.
* I was already wearing and using diapers full time before I started this journey so all the lines about getting back home to put a diaper back on also had no point.
* Although I do have a couple roommates, I sleep alone. So the part about my partner insisting I start using diapers at bedtime had to go.
* I also spliced in a couple of "reinforcement files".
* At the end I mashed both 3&4 together, into a single track. Just to reinforce the 3rd as I was finally beginning the last.
* I also made a few attempts to make my own "files". But I was never really satisfied with the... timber? of my own voice. (I always sound like some whinny 12,yr old kid.) Or the way I kept stumbling over the wording. So in the end. I just went ahead and built a set of files around Saranoga's.
I think you get the idea... What was eventually left was, sort of, Saranoga's 4tracks... Well. Kind of the same. Just a lot more relevant to my own situation.
-
I really did him-and-haw over using the last file. I knew it was what I wanted. And yet I was also conserned as to, if it would be a hindrance at work... "Maybe hold off, untill I retire?"
My shrink and I went back-and-forth several times over that question.
But in the end , I knew I was going to use it... And I think she knew it too.
I also experienced a long spot in between the second and 3rd files where I just "plateaued?" for a time. I was bed wetting nightly. But just couldn't seem to break through all that potty training from way back when.
Eventually I went back in to the editor and mashed in a couple more "positive reinforcement" files. And a couple others... And that seemed to do the trick.
In the end I have five files now (lvs 1, 2, 3, 4, and a mash up of 3&4 into a single track.) All designed for looping. And for my specific needs.
So my personal advice? Get yourself an audio editing program. You'll need it.

[mustwanderlust]

Thanks for the breakdown of your editing and suggestions. This is pretty much what I expected. As someone who has been wearing 24/7 for years it was very frustrating.
Congrats on your success.

[nikole]

You really made it!!!

The first thing I did when I read that was to download Sarnogas Diaper Dependence series again. Still I'm not shure if I really want to poop, too. I do not really wish for it but it's ok if it happens

Please keep us informed if the effects still get stronger and how you feel!

[espfrench]

Dear Nicole,
Thank you for your kind words. "You really made it!!!" OMG I still love seeing that. And realizing, Yep. I did.
It's been a month now without any sort of advanced "heads-up" from my bladder. And going on three weeks of the same from my bowels. I know that sooner or later the "new and shiny" is going to wear off but for now I'm still basking in the afterglow and shinnyness of all of it.

You spoke of not being certain you wanted to use the final file.
In my own case, I absolutely knew I WANTED to take that final step. But at the same time I work 40 to 50 hours per week... ?
Leaving me to vacillate back and forth regarding taking that last step.
My counselor and I went back and forth probably close to a dozen times over that question put in the end I think she knew as well as I did that I was going to go there.

A few things have happened around here over the last week or so.

I've added a new MP3 to my usual sleep loop.
I've always been a thumbsucker. As a child it was the one thing mother couldn't take away.
Over the last few years now I've tried to take up both a pacifier and bottle again... but they've always felt sort of... Awkward? in my mouth.
So I've added the thumb/passy/bottle file to my loop. And it seems to be working.
The day before yesterday... I finally had to get up and go fix myself a bottle before I could get to sleep.
I'm going to start making a few up every Sunday and leaving them in the fridge from now on.
I've even ordered some more adult passies, and bottles from Amazon. The should all be here sometime this week

Earlier this week I finally spent a couple hours going through my wardrobe one last time, looking for anything to toss. There wasn't much left from my old close.

The ONLY "big girl panties" I have left in the house now are the pair that goes with my classic Star Trek mini dress uniform, and I will not be giving those up, just because they are part of my Star Trek collection. And if I ever do go to another convention I will probably be using my Next Generation uniform or my Wrath of Khan uniforms. Both of which hide the bulge perfectly well, without having to worry about panties.
As of right now my "underwear" consists of
Two dozen cotton diapers,
A case and a half... "Ish?" of pink MegaMaxs,
About a half pack of the teddy bear print Crinkles,
9 pares of pvc snap on plastic panties,
6 pares of step-in pvc panties.
And two pares of the pink satin rumba ruffle ones (I'm not certain why. But I've always had this thing for the pcs plastic pants.)

All my skirts are fine of course. (Although I did toss the one miniskirt that was just a bit to short now.)

My 4 summer dresses were all good too.

Normally I used to wear an 18L or 20L, or an XL in blue jeans, or slacks... The last two of my old XL scrub bottoms went out to the garbage truck this week. (I could still wear them just fine of course but the tended to make my diaper just a bit to obvious across the seat.) My last two blue jeans are now both 20Ls and all of my scrubs are XXL.

I've also starting "saving" a couple hundred out of each payday, for a custom made adult crib. (I'm going to get the full size one I'm thinking.)

Well... It was fun telling someone about the changes
Thank you for takin the time to post to me.
Live Long and Prosper _\\//

[nikole]

Hello espfrench!

Apart from those post here I also found your thoughts in the comments section especially on diaper dependency 4 most intersting. Everything shows your progress and it's some kind of diary...

Some of your thoughts are very familiar to me:
Wearing and enjoying bigger clothes. I never thought that, but now I really like small tops and baggy jeans.
Desire for cloth diapers: I want to sew my first cloth diapers of my own soon. I already bought a sewing machine and a lot of other stuff. When I got everything my project can start.
Is it me who already desired everything all the time? Or did the files not just deepen but also change my wishes over time?
Last but not least: I also like Star Trek

I hope to see one day a beautiful picture of your baby crib!!!

[espfrench]

Dear Nicole,
Again, thank you for your post,

- Last but not least: I also like Star Trek  -
I'm glad to read that we've got a love of good science fiction (Trek) in common

- Some of your thoughts are very familiar to me. -
LOL. I guess I can't say I'm really, THAT, surprised. most ABDLs seem to have very parallel "threads" going on in our lives.

- I never thought that, but now I really like small tops and baggy jeans -
I've never been a big fan of slacks or jeans. I like feeling "feminine"... or "girly".
I do wear scrubs to work. But if I had my preference I'd wear an old-fashioned nurse-white dresses and stockings.
The only time I really got into jeans was back when I was riding. And I suppose I'd go back if I ever get another motorcycle. But I've always preferred skirts and dresses. That's the reason I've always preferred wearing my "classic Trek" uniform at conventions.
And now, being incontinent, skirts make more sense come changing time. In fact I'm thinking I'm going to start using more wrap skirts now. Just for the practicality when changing.
Around the house, mostly I just wear a t-shirt over my diapers and plastic pants. Occasionally I do wear a little pair of mules but mostly I go barefoot. And if we're expecting company a will put on my bathrobe.
Both of my roomies know that I wear, and now need, diapers, and neither one has said anything... And even if they were "uncomfortable" with it... It's my house. They're welcome to leave if it's that upsetting.

- Apart from those post here I also found your thoughts in the -
- comments section especially on diaper dependency 4 most -
- intersting. Everything shows your progress and it's some kind of -
- diary...
Hmmm... I hadn't thought of it like that... Yeah sort of yes... and no. I sort of plateaued, and really it picks up after that when l finally managed to "break through" I guess.
It wasn't really my intention to document this process... "journey". I was just really pumped, when I realize I'd started wetting without thinking about it. And I just had to tell someone that I knew would understand.
Most people will never get it. I know my psychologists understands on some intellectual or academic level, but not on an emotional level I don't think. Or maybe I'm just projecting my own insecurities.
But in here? This is where people that get it come, because they get it. And I just had to tell somebody about what was going on in my life at that point.

- Desire for cloth diapers -
I guess in that since, we're all a product of our upbringing.
I'm old school myself. Mom raised all five of us in cloth diapers and plastic pants. And I've never got the same... thrill? over disposables.
I mean... Yes. I do use them, when I'm outside the house for any length of time. I were a MagaMax and plastic pants to work every night. And keep 3 or 4 more them in my "bag". But I've never gone to bed in a disposable.
Speaking of "my bag". I rewarded myself the other day. I actually bought my first REAL DIAPER BAG from the baby supply aisle in Target! And I know. Most people will never understand what that means to some of us. But in here, there are a few that will get it.

- I want to sew my first cloth diapers of my own soon.
- I already bought a sewing machine and a lot of other stuff.
- When I got everything my project can start. -
Wow! That's something I've never tried. I don't even own a sewing machine right now.this house is to small for three of us and a sewing room. Let me know how it works out. I may even purchase a few from you.

- Is it me who already desired everything all the time? -
Nooo... Trust me on this one. It's not just you. You are NOT alone.

- Or did the files not just deepen but also change my wishes over time?
That's a question my psychologists and I have talked about more that a dozen times. I have even openly admitted to her that the files I've been using contain positive "reinforcement statements" designed to keep you listening and "wanting" the end results.
She's said a couple of times that hypnosis can't make you do something you didn't want to do in the first place. But they can reinforce things you were looking to accomplish already.
So the fact that I was hesitant to go there... But I really did want to use Saratoga's forth MP3, just got heavy reinforcement. And I do get that part of it. But it was what I wanted in the first place. The audio loop jut gave me the "courage" to finally take that last step.
And looking back... I'm glad I did.

- I hope to see one day a beautiful picture of your baby crib.
Mmmm... Over the years I've become less and less inclined to post "modern" photos of me or my life. To many horny netgeeks seem to think they have some sort of right. And just want you to type dirty words for them, while they "type one handed".

And again
Live Long and Prosper _\\//

[nikole]

Dear espfrench!

LOL. I think it's common understanding that women like to buy shoes. And DL like to buy diaper bags!!! I also already baught several of them and always have one problem: It should really look like a diaper bag (format, color, print on it). But on the other side I have to leave my flat one day with it. ;(

One thing I really envy is 'I now DRIBBLE pee constantly and poop without any sort of "advanced notice".'
Especially the pee part got me. I really hope this will happen for me too instead of floding a big almount every now and then. In my imagination typical incontinence is dribble pee constantly although I know in real life there are a lot of differenct kinds of incontinence.

Like you I also edit files if it's possible and helpful. The day I easily trans I want to cut or replace the induction. Ok now I just restartet DD1 two days ago - yes you made me do this - but I hope that the trigger will work soon. How long did it take you that the trigger worked?

At the end some thoughts about the changes hypnosis can do. In my opinion everybody really likes and hates a few things at a given time and there is a plenty of space in between. I think what hypnosis can do is to shift those borders by eg explaining. Things I did not like today are ok maybe tomorrow. That's the same that happens in normal life when we are talking with other people. We rethink and change our opinions.

Will you visit a doctor one day who confirms that you are incontinent officially? Did you think about it? I could imagine that that's another important step in your progress. At least for me that official indication will be important.

Regards,
Nikole

[espfrench]

[quote="nikole"]LOL. I think it's common understanding that women like to buy shoes. And DL like to buy diaper bags!!! I also already baught several of them and always have one problem: It should really look like a diaper bag (format, color, print on it)[/quote

Mmmm... You're probably right about that one. And yes. I have bought a few bags over the years. Just never a REAL DIAPER BAG, until now.
In order to get the plastic waterproof lining, I've normaly bought "gym bags" before this. And they work just fine. Butt hey're not the real thing. It hasn't been until the other day that I've actually bought the real things, out of the baby supply aisle.
BTW speaking of shoes I have ordered a pair of black patent leather MaryJans from Wish, if they actually get me the right size this time, I think I'm going to wear them to work

quote="nikole"] One thing I really envy is 'I now DRIBBLE pee constantly and poop without any sort of "advanced notice".'
Especially the pee part got me. I really hope this will happen for me too instead of floding a big almount every now and then. In my imagination typical incontinence is dribble pee constantly although I know in real life there are a lot of differenct kinds of incontinence [/quote

When I first realised I'd begun voiding without consciously thinking about it, I was "flooding" every... 90...ish? minutes or so and then it was 60... 45, then then 30. And now I constantly drizzle... Don't get me wrong here. I really am thrilled with how this "trip" has turned out. And I do understand that, like Saranoga says, this has been a one-way trip with no way of going back. And I wouldn't want to go back even if I could. But in one way... that's kind of one of the few regrets I have. Because the realization that I was "flooding" was always a bit of a thrill for me for just a couple of seconds there.

quote="nikole"] ... I just restartet DD1 two days ago - yes you made me do this - but I hope that the trigger will work soon. How long did it take you that the trigger worked? [/quote

I actually and to go back and listen to my version of DD1. It's been over a year. I didn't use the "trigger" I edited it out.

quote="nikole"] Will you visit a doctor one day who confirms that you are incontinent officially? Did you think about it? I could imagine that that's another important step in your progress. At least for me that official indication will be important. /quote]

Doing that. almost a year ago, I told my GP that I was having "some trouble with my bladder control". I figured she didn't need to know about the why though. She had my blood drawn and gave me a cup... She gave me some sample pills, that I tossed in the garbage at the McDonald's drive through on the was home.
4 days ago I had a virtual consultation with her and she's set up an appointment for me with a urologist up at UH for Thursday after next.

And... As always.
Live Long and Prosper _\\//

[espfrench]

Nicole,,
Check your inbox.

[nikole]

Dear espfrench!

Just a short question yet, it's quite late
Did you replace the induction with another one or did you just cut out some unneeded parts?

N

[espfrench]

I just cut it out. You hear an interdiction once... It sort of becomes deadwood
All I keep is a vary short "This file is going to... "Make yourself comfortable and RELAX, as..."
As I went through each file, one at I time, in the editor, I was CONSTANTLY asking if "this line is needed to make me in incontinent?" And if the answer was "No." out it went.

[espfrench]

And I was constantly mashing in other stuff that I did like, here and there.

[nikole]

That's really a lot of work! As long as it's not really necessary I wont cut out those pieces. For me it's not so bad as long as I currently plan to listen to the file 2-3 times a day. Furtunatelly there is nothing which stops/will stop the trance. Except of the induction, maybe there is a better one from Sarnoga.
Currently I already wear diapers almost the whole day. Do you think I should make some breaks in order to test hiw it's on the toilet? I fear that maybe DD1 will not end if there aren't enough times without diapers. What do you think?

In my opinion diaper backpacks are the best choice. It does not matter if you have to push a stroller or not. They are more practical.
Which color did you choose?

If you wear a nice dress, beautiful shoes and diapers it's becoming dangerous I think your outfit will make serveral men crazy.
I did not know that MaryJans are a company. I though those are a kind of shoes.

Here on WMM I read that the bladder gets smaller over time. Therefore it seems that everything changes like you described after some time. This is a physical change which makes later potty training difficult.

It was a great idea when and how you talk with your doctor for the first time. I think I should do it like you. Something like "Ohh my god. Since several weeks now my bladder leaks every now and then. What should I do?" Otherwise nobody will believe that it came so fast.

Now a small update from myside: I'm not shure but maybe the curse already starts to work at least a little bit. When I use the toilet it's getting longer till the pee starts to flow. I have to observe that now at least for several days.

We did not talk about your changes for several days now. Did anything change? I believe you are still listening to several files each day, aren't you?

[espfrench]

Dear Nicole,
I didn't think it was that much work myself. I didn't do it all at once. Those 4 MP3s just sort of kept "morphing" over the last 18, 20, months.
I know I was already 24/7 when I started. But I suppose it wouldn't hurt to try it that way.
You really gust need to build them into whatever works for you. I wish I could give you more advice than that I really just started by pulling out all those damn references to urinals and it just started morphing from there and it's going to have to be what you're comfortable with and what will work for you just start in where you see things that don't work for you.

I got the teal... Ish? blue, green, with kittys on it. (you know I'm the nutsy old cat lady around this house.) This one's a shoulder bag. The kind with the bottle pockets on the ends?

Yes. MaryJane's are shoes. I ordered a black set from wish.com a couple weeks ago. if they get the size right this time, I may wind up wearing them to work from now on. Normally I've been wearing a pair of 1 inch heels to work. But they're about ready to either go in for repair or into the dumpster. But either way, I think I'm going to start wearing flats. I really don't like most flats. To me they jut look to... Intersexed? I normally like wearing a pair of heels. and I just feel they're the most comfortable.
I'm not normally intimated by most men. I'm an ex MP, and an ex club security. (Bouncer) for the only LGBTQ club in town. I've picked up 200lb, drunk, combative, lesbians off the dancefloor, and "walked" them out the backdoor.

Congratulations girl. I'm really happy for you. It takes a bit of time/patience but if it's what you REALLY want. It will work eventually just stick with it. I understand where you're coming from. Ever little bit feels like another victory. And you want to tell someone that gets it.

Not a lots changed lately here. I'm finally getting comfortable with my passes and bottles. But I still prefer my thumb. I still mess at work sometimes.
I'm still at that point where if I put my mind to it, I can sort of "hold it". But the minute I start to focus on anything else... I'm wetting or BMing again. But I know that like he says in the last file. I'll eventually loose the ability to do even that much. And I'm sooo looking forward to when I finally get to realise that even that's really gone.

[nikole]

I'm your fast follower
Ok maybe 'fast' is not 100% correct. You startet over 18 months ago and you do a lot more trances than me.

The last days I really got involved into your life. Therefore I also can't wait for the day when you write "I though 'Hold it' but it did not work any more!!!".

What do you do to prevent leaking during day or especially when you are sleeping? In my case it depends so much on the choosen diaper and how well I put them on. What's your experiences?

[espfrench]

Dear Nikole,
LOL. I guess I'm flattered. But... I wasn't expecting followers.

As I've said before. I use a lot of plastic. pants. Normally, I sleep in cloth diapers and plastic pants. I have several pairs of really thick cotton diapers, that are normally enough to get me through the morning... And if I don't use them, I'll sometimes double up a couple of the regular thickness ones... Either way I make a point of always ordering my plastic pants with extra room, for lots of padding.
I always wear plastic pants over all my diapers 24/7 cloth or disposable doesn't matter.

Fun story about this morning.
I get off work at 7:00. And at 7:00 here in town the only thing that's open is Walmart. Now. I'm not a big fan of shopping at Wally World, (Way to many weardows in there for my taste But I needed some groceries and a few things from the pharmacy kiosk. The sleeping pill aisle and the adult incontinent products aisles of our local Walmart here in town form it kind of a T intersection. As I was standing in the sleeping pill aisle, trying to decide whether to buy 80 melatonin or 120.
I hear from down at the end of the aisle, "I don't give a Shi". I'm tired of washing your dam sheets every morning!" A few seconds later a woman, who looked to be in her mid 30s, came around the corner, with with a shopping cart full of junk, and a young man in toe. The kid looked to be around 11 or 13. Junior was not happy! He was giving mom the stink eye... until he spotted me, at which point his face turned bright red, and in the top of the cart full of stuff you could clearly see his eyes dart to a huge bag of Pull-Ups.
Now I understand, this kid was not an AB or DL. Or at least I don't think he was, based on his mother's comment that I managed over hear. But... OMG! How I wish my mom had put me back into diapers that way, when I was 11 or 13 years old!

[nikole]

That's called long time experience. After a long time of 24/7 you really know which kind of diapers fit and you like!

Consider you had put some diapers in the shopping cart before and he would have seen them when passing you. Or your skirt was a little bit to short and he could see a little bit of your plastic panties. I suppose immediatelly he would have smiled at you.
Maybe in some years, when he knows how to google, he will find out that he is not alone. Maybe that was the first diaper experience of a happy DL... Who knows?!?

[espfrench]

I think I'm becoming "dependent" on my bottle.
As I've already knotted, I've added a thumb/passafier/bottle file to my playlists. Because up to now, I've never felt quite comfortable using anything but my thumb and blanket.
Well... This morning I came home from work really exhausted and headed straight off to bed. I didn't even stop to shower. Just to tired.
But I couldn't get to sleep. I just layed there for like 20 minutes.
Finally I got up and got a bottle of fruit juice from the fridge.
I've just now woke up. My diaper is soaked of course. And my bottle is still almost full.
I don't think I lasted a hole minute once I had this bottle.
I am still having trouble with my passafier thought. Don't get me wrong. I love digging in the old ice-cream tub on my nightstand with all my passes in it. But in the end I still end up tossing them back and just going with my thumb and blankie.
Ive also started bringing teddy bears to bed. Now that I really do love.

[nikole]

Crib, bootle, and teddy bears. I already guessed for some time now that you want to become a sweet baby girl
Although I'm currently not interested in AB there is one thing I really miss. Those really cute onesies babies wear at night or even all the day They are colorful with beautiful prints in front. When you wear those there is a lot of space for thick diapers, too!!!
But I also have Teddy bears. That's clear.

When you work outside all night I think you already always take your diaper bag with you? Do you have to change you diapers inbetween?

[espfrench]

When you work outside all night I think you already always take your diaper bag with you? Do you have to change you diapers inbetween?

Yes I've carried a diaper bag with me, on and off, over the last... 30ish? years.
Over the last 5 years I've carried my diaper bag full time.
Over the last couple of months... I haven't been able to leave the house without it.

Yes. When I need to change at work, I just use the tubroom. But I normally wear a MegaMax to work, and as long as I only wet in it I can get through an entire shift without needing to change.

[nikole]

That's real evolution. From DL to incontinence LOL

It was hard work and now you made it.

I believe you always take your new real diaper bag with you. Maybe that's one next important step in your life...

[espfrench]

As of today I'm officially, and medically! inconstant!
I've just now gotten off the phone with my GP. She and my urologists have gotten my labs back. You'll be happy to hear I'm cancer free. But the two of them are still trying to figure out why I'm having so much trouble keeping dry. Other than my age.
But! My GP has written a script for me... For Attends! I am so stoked! I should be receiving my first case of the things within the next 3or4 days.
I'm now officially recognised by my insurance, my GP, and UH as incontinent! So fraking cool!

[espfrench]

Holly crap!
The UPS guy just delivered my Attends for this month! 300 diapers per month for a $20.oo copy! He'll YES!
And I was trying not to freak over coming out to my GP?!
I dang near freaked out when he knocked on the front door. I had to run and grab a robe, because I was only wearing a scrub top over my diaper and plastic pants, and wasn't expecting the delivery for another day or two.

[espfrench]

Ant it strange how they can't figure out what's wrong with my bladder?
It's really a mystery worthy of the Scooby-Doo gang. Not that I'm complaining mind you.
But I intend to do the best I can to get through all 300 diapers this month.
I think I'll hang some shelves in my bedroom for all of my diapers. Anyone out there know how to install shelves

I haven't had a dry night in months, but... Today makes seven days in a row I've woke up in a BM diaper and no idea when it happened. I love it!

[nikole]

I'm so happy with my little baby girl
It was a long way but seems that you really made it. Always carefully wrapped in MegaMax and Attends now nothing will happen. That's very important, it makes live more cozy.

In my mind you are a lucky and proud baby, too, enjoying being a baby. I think you could wear moderate babish tshirts all day. Did you already thought about that, too?

[espfrench]

In my mind you are a lucky and proud baby, too, enjoying being a baby. I think you could wear moderate babish tshirts all day. Did you already thought about that, too?

Dear Nikole,
I have a couple of onesies yes. And a massive 5x pink t-shirt with kitties on it. I normally pear them up with my gray skirt and a pair of heels.

[nikole]

The day the bottle, bear, and maybe pacifier hypnoisis works you are the most cute baby ever.

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[espfrench]

The day the bottle, bear, and maybe pacifier hypnoisis works you are the most cute baby ever.

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Hmmm... You know? "I don't know if it's art... But I LIKE IT!"
Now let's see who gets the quote...

[espfrench]

Nikole,
Check out the rest of your PMs.

[nikole]

Hello!

Thanks for PM!
Every time you reply either here on via PM everybody immediatelly realizes how happy you are now. Wetting, pooping and the prescription of your GD. A lot changed with the last months. Really!

In my case uncontrolable wetting is still my next goal, but the times when I pee without thinking about it gets more often. But wetting at night is still not possible.
Pooping is out of my thought at that point of time.

Did you already get a bottle and teddy file?

Yours Nikole

[espfrench]

Hello!

Thanks for PM!
Every time you reply either here on via PM everybody immediatelly realizes how happy you are now. Wetting, pooping and the prescription of your GD. A lot changed with the last months. Really!

In my case uncontrolable wetting is still my next goal, but the times when I pee without thinking about it gets more often. But wetting at night is still not possible.
Pooping is out of my thought at that point of time.

Did you already get a bottle and teddy file?

Yours Nikole

Nikole,
Well.. It's really a bottle pacifier thumb sucking file.
I really didn't need the part about my thumb though. (I may even edit that part out.)
And it's working It's gotten to the point where I can't drift off any more without a bottle of Similac.
I did try using diet shakes at first. But...

Live long and prosper ,_\\//
PS check your inbox. I know it's a bit long but..

[espfrench]

In one way it's sort of embarrassing to admit this part. I mean in one way it's going to read like some shit a kid would make up. But Nikole has ask me about what changes have been happening in my day-to-day now that I'm really incontinent... God I love that word!

Once a month my psychologists hostess a "group session" of her LGBT clients. There are about eight of us. She normally hostes these groups in the basement of her office building. Where it's not so formal. (A couple sofas, and some old "beanbag chairs, the coffee pots just on the other side of the room.)

We always start, with round robin of "what been happening with you?" (These are usually just a short five or six minutes of us all catching up.)

Anyway... When it came my turn. Dr.R***** didn't ask me her normal "What's been going on?" Instead she ask if I wanted to tell the others "about your breakthrough". These groups are extremely intimate, and we all have talked about some really heavy shit in our lives over the years, and the group are all well aware of my AB/DL side, as well as my using hypnosis files, and why. Sooo... I got to tell them about having finally succeeded with my level three and how fast level four had worked.
That was when D***** ask me "If three makes you need diapers round the clock, what's four do?" So I got to explain the last file...
There were a couple gremises when it dawned on them what I was talking about.
And then everything moved on...

Untill a few minutes later... By the time I realised what I was doing, the smell had "alerted" the others as well.
Dr.R***** didn't even flinch. Instead she just ask if I'd like help cleaning up in the bathroom. Now realise here, I haven't had anyone to change me sense I started sneeking my sister's diapers back when I was ten. But...
That was when V***** just popped up out of her beanbag grabbed my diaperbag in one hand and my hand in the other.
And you can figure out the next part for yourselves. I'm not real interested in feeding the horny netgeeks here.
In the one way it was sort of a dream come true. But... It really didn't turn out to be all that much. (I guess it's a bit of a letdown when your fantasies don't turn out to be what you imagined.)

Afterwards... Dr.R***** eventually got back around to me. J**** tried to accuse me of having deliberately shit myself for attention. (J**** and I never seem to get along. He seems to think I'm some dramaqueen. And I think he's just a prick. Every time I walk in to group in a skirt and heels that man gives me the stinkeye.)
Anyway... I told them that I've added a new file to my play list. For thumb and passy and bottles. And that I've been having some success too.
After a few minutes of talking with everyone Dr.R***** said it's ok if I want to start bringing a bottle and one of my bears to group from now on.

Sooo... Next month is going to be my first time walking out of the house with a real baby bottle in the end pocket of my real diaper bag. I'm still trying to decide if I'll fill it with Similac or just juice.

[espfrench]

Orrr... Maybe I'll fill it with OJ and vodka Give the prick something to really talk about

[nikole]

Hello ESPer!

First: Your are fully incontinent!!! Your are fully incontinent!!! (Did you like it?)

During the first half of your last message I feared that will become a story with a really bad ending.
But then it turned and it became so different than I expected. At least there a several very nice people.
Now that thats done maybe those mettings becomes an important part in your life.
Of course there are always some people judging others because of their look or thought. We can't change them but we can ignore them. And that's enough, at least for me.

[nikole]

And if it gets hard you can still drink your wodka!!!

[espfrench]

Hello!
Thanks for PM!
Every time you reply either here on via PM everybody immediatelly realizes how happy you are now. Wetting, pooping and the prescription of your GD. A lot changed with the last months. Really!

In my case uncontrolable wetting is still my next goal, but the times when I pee without thinking about it gets more often. But wetting at night is still not possible.
Pooping is out of my thought at that point of time...
Yours Nikole

Dear Nikole, and F********,
Thank you again for your post.
I know that sooner or latter the "shinny" is going to wear off of all that's been happening over the last few months. But for now your right Nikole. I'm really happy with how this "journey" has worked out. Every time one of you people posts in here or in a PM and I see the words "incontinent" or "diaper dependant" I still end up grinning like some fool kid climbing off a rollercoaster up at CederPoint for the next two or three minutes.

I'm not going to drop any names in here. But one of you (Yes. You know who you are.) dropped me a PM the other night asking how I would "turn off" or keep Sarnoga's files from working... Why yes I do know he to keep them from working F*******... Don't listen to them in the first place! You were warned repeatedly there wasn't a way back. We both walked into this with our eyes wide open. And now you've got nobody but yourself to blame. As for me. I'm perfectly thrilled with how this has worked out. I wouldn't want a way back.
My only "regret" is not having done this sooner. I know that back in the 80s, Tommy, at DPF was offering this sort of thing on CDs... But I had my job to think about. Dumb. Dumb. Dumb.
Or better still... If HG Wells would just lend me his time machine. I'd go back to six months old, and never let anyone potty train me in the first place.

I'm reall happy for you Nikole that you're starting to experience voiding without thinking about it. Congratulations. I wish I could give you a really big hug. Just keep at it. The rest will happen. And if you're not ready to give up bowl control yet... Don't listen to the fourth file. When your ready it will still be there. Based on some of your posts, I already know that you want to go there eventually. Just hold off, and use it when you know you're ready.

And again. Thank you all for your great PMs.

[nikole]

Some though from myself...

Based on some of your posts, I already know that you want to go there eventually. Just hold off, and use it when you know you're ready.

It would be interesting to know who became full incontinent at the end and just wanted to start wetting 24/7 at the beginning. I still believe to poop is just the next natural step after wetting full time.

Question for everybody: What do you think?

I know that sooner or latter the "shinny" is going to wear off of all that's been happening over the last few months.

We all know that that day will come and we also want that. At least that's the case for me. I truely want to get incontinent and do not want to get horny every time I wet or think about me in my diapers.

[espfrench]

It would be interesting to know who became full incontinent at the end and just wanted to start wetting 24/7 at the beginning. I still believe to poop is just the next natural step after wetting full time.

Question for everybody: What do you think?

I truely want to get incontinent and do not want to get horny every time I wet or think about me in my diapers.

For me that's how it started. I'd totally convinced myself that I was just going to use the bladder incontinence files.
And then... The minute I was dun with those MP3s. I didn't even stop to think it over. I went straight into that file.
I remember thinking "Its fine. It's going to be at least another year before I can expect anything. Lots of time to change my mind and back out of it." Oh brother was I wrong about that one!
I just realised. I missed my one month anniversary, with out bowl control. Bummer. I am looking forward to the one year mark though.

Personally I've never seen diapers as a sex thing.
Well that's not entirely true. It's been a part of my total life now ever sense I got out of the army... and since my total life does include sex... I guess it is part of my sex life? It's just never been a source of arousal for me.
More like it's always been a sort of comfort thing to me. When it was time for some horizontal mattress tennis they were just in the way.
Now. Ive started using a changing pad under me whenever I turn on the twelve inch toy. I have to And dang if that part ant still shinny too.

[nikole]

After reading a lot about that I believe quite a lot of the makers want us to pee and poop in the end. At least when they are doms and like to play with and humiliation their pets.

When reading a little bit I found one nice comment by @BabyRox at https://www.warpmymind.com/phpbb/viewtopic.php?f=7&t=4550.

I'm not really fond of poopy diapers, but babies don't get to choose just to wet their diapers. Babies have to use their diapers for everything...

That's so sweet.
He wrote that years ago, I think he could tell us a lot about his life now.

ESPer next time I buy diapers I will try MegaMax for the first time. 12h without having to change it is really special.

[espfrench]

I just realized something!
Today is my three months anniversary of real diaper dependents.
I'm sitting on the edge of the bed right now. I just got home and took my shower. I BMed myself driving home. It's been seven weeks now sense I have been able to get to a total in time for that.
And in the immortal words of... Well. The entire crew of The Serenity https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8q_lsRLJhcA "It's still shinny."
I still love my diapers. And my plastic panties... And the realization that I'm totally dependant on them now. And that my bladder and bowels aren't my responsibility anymore. My diapers really are a source of comfort for all my stress and anxiety that no-one can take away now.

[nikole]

Hello ESPer!

Glad to hear that! It's already 7 weeks now!

And that my bladder and bowels aren't my responsibility anymore.

Yes, they took over a part of responsibility and they provide a lot of comfort and safety. It's good to know that they are there and they do their job well. In that case 'dependency" get's a postive meaning, doesn't it?

I really can feel how lucky and proud you are now!!!
All the best and stay my happy big baby!

Nikole

[espfrench]

Dear Nikole,
One again... Thank you so much for your kind words.
Live Long and Prosper _\\//

[espfrench]

It's still "shinny"
Just now I was doing my "get ups" (getting residents ready for breakfast)
I had to do 6 changes. But only 5 were residents.
Goddess! I love being incontinent. I still love that suprise when I first realize it's pushing out. And then it hits the seat of my wet diaper, and starts backing up between my cheeks.
I love knowing I'll never again be able to go without a diaper and plastic pants.

[espfrench]

I just got off the phone with my GP.
She and the urologists want me up to UH next week, for a "urodynamic test"? From the way she was talking I guess they intend to fill up my bladder, and see if I can hold it.
LOL. Like that's going to happen. I can already tell them how it's going to work out
In and right back out. That's how.

BTW... Found out the other day. It's not 300 Attends per month after all. It's 300 per delivery. As needed.
If I order twice a month, or once every 4 months, it's 300 every time I call in to say I need more.

[nikole]

Hello ESPer!

That test sounds strange, please let us know if they really fill up your bladder. Maybe they want to measure the size of your bladder.
You will have one of those very rare moments in your life, when you do not not hope that your GP can help.

By the way, how many Attends do you need currently daily? 5, 6,7?

I wish you all the best and keep on pissing and pooping!

Nikole

[espfrench]

Hi Nikole,
If I'm using MagaMax I can get away with 3 or 4 per and only change when I BM one.
In Attends... 8 to 9 per day.
Live Long and Prosper_\\/
ESPF