I have fantises of being female that keep getting stronger

[rayne]

I have a probleam in that I like to read Tg stories and have a fantasy of being female through sci-fi or magical mean's,and I't has really progressed to almost wanting to be woman but then I don't. But I't has created a struggle in my life like a tug of war within me. What's bad I'll masterbate quite a lot thinking myself in the female role during sex with a man,I'm not gay either!!! It's just I'v gotten worse as I read those tg stories. I's this normal? could I be a transsexual.

[rayne]

Thx Sooooooooooooooooo much Birchwood=)

[lips69]

I'm the exact same. That's what gave me the idea to start listening to some of the feminization files on this site.

[deep4menow]

I ahve the same sort of problems here. I've fantasized about someone feminizing me since I learned that it was possible and wished sometimes that I was a girl even earlier than that. These desires have led gradually to crossdressing but now I have that same deep conflict. I want to be feminized but I'm almost ashamed of those desires and feel as though I could never make it work in my life. I've tried talking to a few ppl the odds are split as to wether I'm really Ts or I just hae an impossible wish/ fantasy.

love and luck,
Deep

[edimax]

I also relate to this, the intensity of the emotions I've been through range from extreme to intolerable. I have immense respect for everyone who is going through this as, while it's probably the most emotionally trying situation for a human mind to cope with, it makes us so much stronger and accepting of other peoples' "problems". We learn not to tolerate ourselves but to accept ourselves and others too, that's what is important about this, tolerance doesn't come into it. How much do we love ourselves, enough to sort this problem out?

Self-worth is also a huge factor in all this. Then there's fear, an incredible inhibition, words can't describe the hold it has on people. I'm sure you all relate.

I've noticed that warp my mind and fictionmania bring like-minded people together and that is a wonderful thing except the stories and recordings are rather more carnal than "balanced". It's not always about sex, you all have to realise this. It's more about our own perception of ourselves and if that involves being a woman then it will carry over to acts of sex and masturbation, it's a form of expression. Try to calm down and get a hold of your animal instincts, try to see past all that and get a look at what it is you want to manifest.

What makes you scared...

That what you want might be impossible?
That the process of attaining it is hardly ideal?
That current medical science isn't at the point we'd like it to be?
That we're playing a waiting game, the longer we wait, the worst it is?
That being honest will change your life forever?

What you now know...

You are not alone.
You are open-minded.
You have a powerful imagination.
The human body can do incredible things, most of which haven't yet been seen.
This isn't about catering to other peoples' perception of yourself, it's about how you see yourself.
If you see yourself in a certain form, then it's an expression of yourself.

Don't make any compromises, doubt will only make you easier to control.

[Undisclosed]

I've thought about this whole thing myself, and while I find it fun and interesting to imagine myself as a women, I just don't see anything long-term in it. It's weird though, part of me feels so confortable as a women, but I'm through and through a man. Often, I fantise about having sexual relations with men, even in my dreams! Of course, the same applies to women too. I think I might just be bi with a hetro leaning.

I mean, I enjoy being "girly" just as much as I enjoy being "manly". If it weren't for society, I'd probably incorperate elements of both lifestyles into mine. You know, do my nails (which I keep long anyways, lol), wear sexy clothes and act bubbly, but then also drive fast cars, talk gangster and lay the smack-down! I've always felt rather gender neutral in a way.

Either way, I can get along with women very easily, making it a lot easier to score chicks! Part of it is the sexual attraction, part of it is admiring them. Overall, I'm good with the current arrangement. I like to think I've got a largely female brain structure that is totally in sync with my male body. That would explain things best. I guess I'm just lucky there's no friction in this regard.

[closetboy74]

dont fight your feelings....i did for 25 years and just in the last month came out to my wife and my family. i like you wasnt sure what it all meant, but now that its out in the open there is no doubt in my mind what i want to be. my wife did leave me in the process, but she supports me and just didnt want to be a "lesbian".

[rayne]

Again I really think after thinking about all this that my probleam is really just curiosity about being a woman. Now I would never go through somthing like a transsexual,I'm not a transsexual but then again I do have a strong sense of couriosity toward expirenceing the female sex.

Let's just say as In a test drive,like you would a car or truck. The TG stories really have had a effect on me as far as the fantasy of being a woman,as the plot of a story really send's me into masterbation as the fantasy grow's stronger. Now afterward the conflict stops and wont prop back up for a few day's.

I don't know what stories have had a bigger affect on me but I 't seems as I'f two really stick out. THE STEPFORD WIVES AND THE GRADUATE EDUCATION OF MALCOM COVIGTON. those two are really rough on me.

Again I love being a man and would never go through the transsexual route of becoming a woman anyway.Only being able to become a gentic female would ever suffice for me and thats just a wish/fantasy.

[Catherine]

It is a fantasy for many and it's a curiousity to others and to others it's as real as the keyboard that I type on.

There are far too many people out there playing at being transsexual...saying things like "if you're really TS you'd get hormones illegally" or "you'd fake your letters for surgery" or whatever stupid things some of them say. There are also a lot of people for whom find a balance in their lives, between male and female, crossdressing to go out to a club on the weekend or whatever. Some just do it for a sexual fantasy and then are done with it. If you sit and masturbate to these stories...ask yourself if you are happy with that thing between your legs or not. If you are, then realize it's a fantasy and have fun with it, but don't get carried away. Don't sit at your computer every night and read them, you'll get carried away and maybe do something you'll be uncomfortable or upset about later. Balance your life.

Being female isn't about the clothes, it's not the makeup, not the shoes, the hair, it's not even about the sex, it's about being female on the inside. Looking at the world differently than a man does. Some women don't wear makeup or heels or even skirts or dresses, but they still have their feelings of being women and they are happy about it. Some are just the opposite and never go anywhere without wanting to be really made up and wearing really nice clothes and shoes, but that's the differences among people. Same goes for guys....some guys wear jeans and old t-shirts whenever they can, others enjoy wearing a nice suit and tie and looking sharp with their perfect hair, etc.

I know all about the reality of it...Friday I cross the final big line...I have my SRS/GRS/whatever you want to call it. It's a long and VERY, VERY HARD ROAD. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy (if I had one). It's hard on my family, I changed careers and finally am doing something I love and I've been accepted here for it. That being said, I found out I'm between a size 0 and 2 at American Eagle Outfitters in their mini-skirts...usually I'm a 6 or 8 and I have a body and a natural face (with estrogen's help!) that gets guys flirting with me. My voice and my body and my actions are all female and I pass with most everyone but a very observant few (most of whom know other transgendered people).

This is my reality now...being female. If you have a question about it...ask. However I don't recommend this road to anyone who can find a way to live without making the changes I have. The cost, both monetary and to my family relationships, are very high. I know I'm happier though and I want to live and prosper and have friends and relationships and that's what is really important. I did something I **HAD** to do, it was killing me not to. It's painful...it's frustrating, it's scary. But since I became Catherine full-time, it's been the best time of my life and it only gets better for me as time goes on. I know this was the right decision, but that doesn't mean that sometimes I don't still cry. Nearly three years of therapy (and that's a quick one!), thousands of dollars spent, thousands of hours gone trying to learn makeup, hair, etc., wow...all that time and money could have done a LOT for me. But for me the price is worth it. Why am I here? Because some of these files (after occasionally a bit of editing by me) has been to help me deal with some of the pain I inflicted upon myself, to help me let my feelings go and free myself. I knew where I was going and a bit of help along the way in any form is a good thing.

Catherine

[rayne]

Congrate's on your sucessful transition Catherine and may you enjoy your new life to the fullest,you certainly deserve I't. With me It's a curiosity really always has been,I don't know why.I't seem's the stories fuel my imagnation to a large degree,I think mine is a fetish really both yes and no.

I tend to be rather more emotional then what fit's the normal male,In that I find I't quite easy to express my feelings and emotion's to other's openly instead of holding I't all in. Now we all know that male's are supposed to hide their feeling's and be macho and play the stronger role then what female's are expected,and I play that role naturely.I like to compete and I'm most assurdly agressive and love the dominate role as well as the leadership role males are expected to take. But....................

I don't fit the typical male template either,in that I feel a strong sense to express my feeling's wither sad,excited,hopeful, I tend to cry a lot when dealing with personal issue's that effect me. Now ditto that for when my emotion's are high strung and I'm pissed off and ready to go to war with someone or people I'm knowen to fight more then one at a time.

It's just that my brain is somwhat diffrent I really think in that I can call upon both male and female trait's when needed and fitting the right situation when needed.

Now I truly think that my brain is somwhat slanted toward the female side maby 55% to 45% now that 5% percent diffrence allow's me to express my feeling's naturely without compermiseing my manhood to anyone.

Which is a huge plus for me,you don't even no how lucky I am to have this slant toward female. Now has this created a probleam for me also. I really don't know, I really don't hate being a man I love being a man I love my girlfriend. I certaily couldn't go through what Cathreine has gone through.

I guess in my perfect form I would be a shapeshifter shifting between both sexes and enjoying what both truly have to offer to us as human's.

Again I love being a man but would like to expirence what both gender's have to offer.........and I do in away by allowing myself to express my feeling's in a way that Is diffrent from what the male template is expected to.

In short I'm quite possably a hybird of sort's.

[Undisclosed]

Heh, you sound just like me. Although, I don't cry a lot, but I do tear up in romantic movies. :lol: Not that controlling it is easy, but after a while it just becomes learned. I could probably start crying on command too, if I wanted. Also, I'd say I'm very close to an even 50/50 split. Actually, I've done lots of real and online tests and I'm consistantly 50/50 right/left brain, visual/auditory, captialist/socialist, etc... Aristotle would be green with envy. :lol:

But I don't think there's anything wrong with being a sensitive man. If anything, you have a tremendous advantage in life. After all, it's often who you know then what you know that counts, and with feminine sensitivies making contacts is much easier. I can't tell you how many times it's helped me.

One thing that really concerns me with gender reassignment in general is the high usage of hormones and estrogens. Such unnatural usage is consistantly linked with cancer and endocrine disorders. Doesn't this worry you, Catherine? The whole process must be a tremendous stress on the body. Although, I'm suppose when you know what you want 100%, it's just a risk you take.

[Catherine]

Well, it's over and I'm laying here in my bed typing this and all I can say yes, YES YES. It's all worth it. However, unlike some TS's have done, my dosages have been fairly realistic, 4mg of Estradiol and 100mg of Spiro. 2 weeks before surgery it drops to 2mg estradiol and it will be that after I get out of here. 2mg a day isn't that much. I know of TS's who've taken many times that dosage, often without being in the care of a doctor. However it was definitely killing me not having them and I don't know if I'd be here today if I wasn't able to make some of these changes in my life.

What else can I say? I mean, sometimes I couldn't even go shopping without breaking down and crying and having to just cry in my car and then drive home with tears running down my face.

I was also informed by my doctor and more forthcoming info from my parents that based on what my doc saw in surgery, I was born intersexed, not just transsexual. I've wondered about it for a long time, but things make much more sense now about my life.

From here on out I am off of spiro and the small dosage of estrogen is what is prescribed to post-menopausal women and women after their hystorectomy anyway. Take things realistically...get opinions from professionals helping to make the change, do it with your best interests and best life in mind.

I knew where my happiness was and I am there now....any doubt I had before the surgery is completely gone...I've never done anything that I felt so sure about after it was over. I am home.

For those of you who want to live in both worlds, enjoy yourselves...there are even latex vaginas you can buy and tuck into and wear that I've seen and you can experience it without anything else needed if you want to play with it for an evening. Have fun and enjoy yourselves!

Catherine

[rayne]

Glade to here your happy cathrine and can live your life like you felt I't should have been. I'v been continueing with my own conflict's but......... could never go through that only a select few can.

But I feel I'v balenced out my my male and female half's the best I can and so I go on liveing and writeing and doing my many project's. Thats what helps me to deal with I't my gender Issues, this computer and my movie project's are like a cacoon for me.

It's only when I stop being busy that the real conflict takes control and I do mean control,It's horrid to have somthing consume and control one's self and life. And so I continue this struggle of being confused and powerless over somthing I utterly hate. I don't want to be a woman but the power this as over diffrent people is at verying degree's and mine is quite strong.

Now balenceing out both my male and female aura's has helped a great deal with my confusion.but when this conflict starts to creep into relationships thats a whole other matter,and one that has severly disrupted my own relationship with my girlfriend.

I't seems my fantasy/desires/conflict has begun to destroy my own relationship with katie. And this is where I't crosses the line,I didn't like this feeling nor did I want this feeling yet I't punish's me.

WHY ME!!!!!! for me to even have intercourse with my girlfriend I need to think of myself in the female role, this is insane and I want read another tg story I can't and I want this must stop. For my own sake.

[phdinfunk]

Rayne,

When you get yourself into this desireable state, where you're imagining that you're a woman and you are feeling whatever it is you wanted to feel....

...can you notice that when you're feeling what you need to feel, you're feeling it in YOUR body? Whatever your body might look like... just focus on the fact that you are you while the feeling is there...

If you're really fast, you'll probably notice that you make a picture inside your head and the picture feeds the state that you like. Then you get the rush and the state you like, then it's followed by more pictures that you like, feeding the state, etc, etc... Probably when you're not feeling what you want, there is an audio componant to it, an internal comment that you don't notice and this makes you feel "stuck."

---Jonathan

[Catherine]

Rayne

If you have these feelings and they are controlling your life or wrecking things when you get to a point of not having a "busy time" which happens to so many, it's time to definitely seek some professional help. Find out if this is something that through your efforts that you want to reduce and eliminate or to find a stronger way to cope. You sound like so many girls I know who are trying to make the change...sometimes they don't want to (I didn't for a long time!) and some find a way to live without it, while others find a way to go forward and others find a way to just blend both together in a way that fits their lives. Don't struggle at it alone, it's too powerful to just sit and worry about it. I would really urge you to talk to someone about it who can help.

If you have any questions, feel free to ask me....BTDT, got the SRS to prove it!

Best of luck,
Catherine

[phdinfunk]

I'm all for feeling what you want to feel, with as many thousands of ways to get there as you can find!

Next time you feel the state you want, notice what happens in the tips of your shoulders... do they move further apart?

Does your forehead widen and a feeling of everything opening show up?

Do you have increased bloodflow in your cheeks?

What occurs in your lower spine?

What about your shoulder blades? Springiness, a widening feeling, streamlining feeling?

Break it down to as small of details as you can in as many parts of your body as you can.

Write them out.

Then try modulating one of them...

So if you notice a feeling of relaxation in a certain place, try making that more intense, or make it last longer, or give a pulsing coming and going feeling...

Try it with one of the other consituants of your wonderful feeling.

Another thing you can do: notice as many details about the feeling of the person you make an image of in your mind that you wish to be (in other words, you're dissociated from your desired feeling, so notice the constituants of it, then play with those)....

Addicts are formed when the desired feeling gets attached to pot, or to alcohol, or to fucking lots of people, or to gambling, or a strip club, or to winning every time, or to whatever else people get addicted to.

Stalkers are formed when the desireable feeling gets attached to ONE SPECIFIC GIRL/GUY...

It's fine to choose to feel what you want to feel... lets do it with FREEDOM!

Love,
Jonathan

[AdamZLaJuene]

I also often fantasise about being a woman, however I fantasise about being a scantily clad lesbien that is constantly tied up and felt up by other women. I think my favorite fantasy involves me in a button down blouse, miniskirt, ppantyhose and heals, my arms are bound behind my back and I'm tape gagged. There is another woman sucking on one of my breasts and reaching up my skirt to feel one of my inner thighs.

I just want the ability to switch genders at will and someone to to keep a hand up my skirt.

[phdinfunk]

Adam,

Sounds like you have fantasies like everyone else. I've a degree in sociology of sex and I can tell you that people have fantasies ranging out there to stuff that's just freaking wierd (but you already knew that, right... I mean, you've been paying attention to this website haven't you?).

There is a saying about wishes being horses, then beggars could ride... or maybe get shagged by a horse cock. "Wanting" something is not a very powerful approach. Try on, "I choose to feel <focus on the feeling>."
Notice the difference in breath between, "I want" and "I choose."

Jonathan

[AdamZLaJuene]

Try on, "I choose to feel <focus on the feeling>."
Notice the difference in breath between, "I want" and "I choose."

Jonathan

I notice the difference but I don't see how that applies to my fantasy of inhabiting a female body and being tied up and felt up by other women, I don't want a sex change operation and I don't have the legs for a miniskirt so being a drag queen is out. I can't choose to transforme myself into a woman that is constantly bound, gagged and with a hand up my short, short skirt while being videotaped, all I have is the desire and nothing short of a wish granting machine will do that.

[CuriousG]

Well, there is the idea that hypnosis can cause complex hallucinations, though odds are that you won't achieve that just by being on this site.

[Blackjaz]

I also Fantaiest about being A girl. But It more likely That I just want to know how they feel.

[porcelain]

There are plenty of men who feel more comfortable as women. Gender is a very flexible thing - you should experiment with it if you're at all curious.

[Blackjaz]

There are plenty of men who feel more comfortable as women. Gender is a very flexible thing - you should experiment with it if you're at all curious.

that why i am here.

[jarvisteflon]

hmmm... fantasies about being female that keep getting stronger

I have had these fantasies my whole life I think, and at 40+ years of age I think I've had a lot of success just embracing both sides, masculine and feminine, without much shame or discomfort. It's part of who I am and I am totally comfortable with that.

I'm definitely more guy than girl, and I have never had homosexual leanings. But my attraction to girls has always been mixed up with my attraction to the idea of BEING a girl. And that attraction has evolved over the years into a fixation. I don't know if it's healthy or not. I do find myself spending altoghether too much time on Fictionmania and this site and others, scratching that itch that can never be scratched.

I toyed with cross-dressing as a boy, and on rare occassions throughout my young adult life and even then only in very limited ways (stuffing my shirt, plucking my eyebrows, growing my nails). But in recent years I have worn womens underwear, brassieres, sometimes out in public under my male clothes, just for the thrill of it.

Reading the stories on Fictionmania though, and listening to these files, it's both soothing and satisfying but also it inflames and frustrates and aggrivates my desire - making it stronger. Instead of a playful obsession it has become a preoccupation.