Does anyone else here go On and Off with feminization?

[dorasexyexplora]

Not trying to be a negative Nancy here, I just want to see if anyone else goes through what I go through with feminization. Any input is appreciated

I've been kind of going on and off with feminization since I was about 16(I'm 23 now). I've thrown/burned away my clothes, high heels, make-up, buttplugs, and dildoes about 4 times now, everything together must have cost at least $1000+ . To top it all off, I have a mistress who I can visit whenever I want that really enjoys feminizing and fucking me, so I pretty much have it made. For years, on and off, I used to curl up in the shower and cum in my mouth weekly, I'd feel humilated and horrible about it every time but I kept doing it Rolling Eyes . I started with 4" dildoes and made it up to a thick 8" dildo. I found this stuff called Anal-Eze that I used all that time so I could really fuck myself deep to the point where I would bleed a little without feeling discomfort, very bad idea, thankfully everything healed 100%. After I cummed, I would feel retarded and disgusted at myself, and my anus would hurt for weeks Sad . Eventually I would throw everything away in disgust, start working out viciously, get ripped, get a girlfriend, lose the girl, go back to visiting my mistress, and the cycle repeats.

The thing is, I can only be aroused and enjoy feminizing myself if I'm sexually deprived (aka no masturbating/sex), for about a week. Once I orgasm, I feel a strong desire to take everything off, throw it in a closet, and delete everything off my computer.

I came to the conclusion that at the very core, I really don't want to be a woman/slut/sissy/etc. I noticed that my desire to feminize and crossdress really fires up into overdrive whenever I get extremely lonely and don't have a girlfriend, so in a way, I think feminization is my way of filling that "void" in my life. I've tested and tried feminizing all the way with pills and whanot, experimenting with bi-sex, hypnosis etc. nothing has ever really stuck in the long run, my mind/body simply rejects it all after orgasm.

I really don't know if what I'm going through is normal. I really enjoy feminization when I'm aroused but beyond that, I feel very humiliated and bad about it in the long run.

[Alien4420]

What you're doing -- throwing away all your stuff, then getting back into it -- is called purging, and it seems to be very common.

There's an immense amount of social and practical pressure not to feminize yourself, so it's perfectly natural to try to escape/bottle up your needs. It's also normal to lose your desire for feminization and other offbeat sexual play after you've orgasmed. That's because in your case (not in all, e.g., a true transsexual) it's tied in to your male sex drive. When you're horny, you want to feminize yourself. When you're not, you don't. And you internalize society's message and feel disgust at yourself.

So the real question is what to do. I think it's pretty safe to say that this will not go away. Stop the purging. You may be able to keep this under wraps or reach some kind of compromise, e.g., feminizing yourself part way or doing it only periodically. But throwing stuff away just costs you money.

One possible exception to that is that if you're a good hypnotic subject and dedicated enough to put in the time, you may be able to rid yourself of your tendency through hypnosis. You're in unknown territory here, the only way to find out if this will work for you is to try it, if you haven't already (since you said you'd fooled around with hypnosis).

Another possibility would be to use hypnosis to become more comfortable with your desires, or even to enhance them. I'm considering the first myself, since Stroke Sissy has turned what has always been a secondary thing for me into something like a sexual obsession.

[dorasexyexplora]

I guess what I really want is to be free of this cycle, the purging, feeling guilty/ashamed, only to start up again when I'm lacking sex in my life. I feel like I go out of control with this every time.

When I have vanilla sex with a girl, I feel fulfilled and calm. When I crossdress and masturbate/have sex with my mistress, everything feels 3x better but after orgasm, I feel like a part of me inside has died, it's a depressing crash. My feminization is always very impulsive, lustful and self-destructive, there's really no drive behind it other than getting off. Ultimately, I'd like to find a way to get this under control and feminize in moderation, instead of bouncing between the highs and lows of it all.

[PeppermintT]

I think I am fairly similiar. My desire for feminization is very much a sex based thing. I find masturbating pretty regularly kills off the urge and stops me wanting to crossdress but its not an ideal solution.

[Alien4420]

Sounds to me like you're on the right track, we all have to make some kind of compromise, even guys with a vanilla sexuality have to tame their wilder urges and stay faithful to their wives, distinguish between fantasy and reality.

Speaking of which, I'm middle aged now, and I've never stopped having lustful, impulsive moments. I'll get into a wild fantasy for a couple of days, or spend the day downloading porn. Which is to say I think that's just the nature of the beast. Male sexuality is very primitive and very animalistic and sexual fantasies work like all fantasies in that they involve an exaggerated "James Bond" scenario that leads us to more practical goals, like Thursday sex with the wife.

So I'm thinking it's time to discard the guilt and shame, just take the fantasy and play for what they are and concern yourself only with what has an effect on your real life. Going to the office in drag probably does, but having wild sex with your mistress probably doesn't, unless it impinges on a real world relationship. And it sounds like you're happy with tamer sex when you're in a relationship, which means you should be OK with a GF or a wife, particularly if she knows that you have some quirks and is accepting of them.

[stereoxchild]

I kinda recognize myself in this. Although I didn't went as far as the poster. You have a mistress? Wow.
Anyway, I got the same thing going on for years. It's all hot, but after orgasm, it sucks and you ask yourself why you did what you just did, and feel bad about it.
Yet the next day the fantasies feel as hot as they used to be again and the cycle repetes itself. It's a form of mental BDSM in a way. Sexually loving to torture yourself. When the lust is gone, you don't have that need anymore and your common sense takes over again. Like sleeping with someone irritating & ugly because you were drunk and horny, and waking up the day after.
I believe you should accept these feelings as a part of who you are, just don't let them interfere in your social/work life. There is more than sex. But yes the urges are there. So what to do? I guess the only thing we can do is don't feel bad about them while not letting them get out of control..
I also notice my femdom/fem urges come back when I'm in a period without much sex or affection. I get sexually bored and i try to find exciting impulses to fix that hole. I'm still fighting it though.

[Janis_en_femme]

Same here. I can go weeks/months without being femme and then WHAM!
Fully dressed and at the local gay bar.
Then I just dabble for a while and then get pre-occupied with something else.
I really haven't noticed if it's connected with my sexual activity. I have a very loving significant other. But sometimes she can be rather cold and standoffish.
I don't feel guilty but rather like I'm trying to fill a void of some sort.
I guess I'm more confused about the whole thing.
I have come to realize that I am not into being submissive or humilated. But I do so enjoy dressing up once in a while and hitting the gay bar and TV shops.
She-males turn me on just as much as regular girls.
Oh well, I guess that's life. Just trying to put all the pieces together.

[SimoneCook]

dora,
I was like you once......dressing and feminization for a short period having great feelings about it then PURGE out of disgust! I came to the realization that it was always going to be a part of me no matter what I did so I just accepted it. With the help of some of the hypnosis files I have become very relaxed with who and what I am. I have made a peace with my fem side, and when she comes out I let her go all out. In public, I am very much male and am not disgusted with what i did---that is simply who I am. Once you settle with your fem side it will be much better--don't lock her up let her out with limits!

[jasmine_muzee]

I'm in a similar situation. It seems it is more common than one would imagine. In my college days, I built up quite a collection, only to get rid of it shortly after my getting engaged. (she didn't approve) Thankfully, things between us didn't work out and we split up. From then on, I began another collection. To this day, I continue having that internal struggle on wheather I should quit or continue feminizing myself even further. I met a more understanding person a few years ago and she has been very supportive of me. We've been married for 4+ years now. Even with her support and all, I still find myself debating on if I should stop or not. It's a hard internal struggle, but it's much easier to deal with when you have someone there to offer their support.

[Janis_en_femme]

Lately, the urge has returned and I find myself listening to feminization file again.

[Alien4420]

I'm caught in between. I can usually refrain from listening to the files, it seems I haven't listened enough for the compulsion to listen to override my concerns over the consequences. But I can't seem to stop saying my sissy name and the suggestions haven't gone away, I fantasize about dressing and so forth, find myself acting fem sometimes. It's become part of my sexuality.

[loridsisi]

I pretty much agree with everyone here but there are a couple of things to consider.
The binge and purge cycle to me shows that someone is not quite comfortable in their own skin, which is something that many of us struggle with for years, some never achieve peace. But I think you're doing the right thing by asking for advice from others who have been where you are and believe me we all have. If you start to really suffer though I would suggest counseling, by suffer I mean depression or anger issues or other negative effects in your daily life.
Cross-dressing should not cause you anguish, having said that I confess it took me years to admit that "I yam's what I yam's".
I have much more to say, guess I'll put an article together. But I will close with this; purging never works, and I really miss that empire waist nightie with shirring and seed pearls.
George Sand once made the statement that the goal of life is to love and be loved, I think that includes loving ourselves.
This newbie apologizes for this verbose post.