I need some help

[Tiger99Playtoy]

[quote="wmxx"]She text back again Justin is making a calendar. (Very good sign for you) of when your ending doing coke. He wants to know how many lines a day you will be doing week 1 when you get here?

I said by next Monday start with 20 so in 21 weeks it will be zero.

Wow you are doing a lot of coke!

I said, I know but that is what I was doing before when I was with Justin.

Ok, well at least we have a start and end date. So that takes you through sometime in May and we will have our Amber back!

I will do this, facing Justin is going to be so hard. Glenn just pulled in talk to you later tonight.[/quote]

I just found this about a week ago, and I have read through it more than once. I'm really having a hard time believing everything you are thinking now, Amber. Amber, I think you are letting coke fog your brain about your feelings for Justin and Nicole. They both want you back home and to stop doing drugs. If you go to Mike's house for any length of time, I really believe that this will be the end of "Justin and Amber and Nicole".

Justin, you need to stop the hypno now and use a deprogramming file many times.. You don't have to trust me, but I spent way too many years listening and it does have a place with good positive useful files, but I wasn't always listening to those. Hypno is it's own type of drug with many negative side effects. I might be making an assumption, but I don't think you knew that Amber was doing drugs at your place.

Amber and Justin, you both went into this as a way of trying new kinky different things, but I think you both went too far for Justin, if he wasn't on hypno he might see it. Amber, it sounds like you have very good hair and makeup skills and that you really enjoyed helping other men and women feel and look beautiful. This is really needed right now for everyone during these very stressful times. Don't focus on only helping transgendered people, focus on everyone you normally (before this mess) had as clients.

Justin, just because you have ? lots of money that you inherited, doesn't mean you should blow it (literally) on coke. Get a job and you will feel much better about things.

Nicole, You are relatively new to this family and seem to be a genuinely kind, loving, and caring person. I think if you can find a job that you like to do and find rewarding, then you should do it.

It will help all three of you emotionally, mentally, and physically to be working.

I like all three of you and your honesty has made me think about a lot of things about my own life. It has made for some very compelling reading.
I really hope you are able to get though this together.
good luck, and I will keep reading.

[wmxx]

Tiger19 I think you just may have saved my life. I went back and read what I have been writing. I was shocked to see all I think about is drugs now. I’m a total mess. I am a sweet girl with a lot of demons right now. I’m killing Justin emotionally. I just called Justin and Nicole into the bathroom. I said this is going to be the hardest fucking thing I ever did in my life. I looked at Nicole and said if you flush your cigarettes down here, I will flush my coke right behind it. She asks me to wait a minute, she got all her cigarettes and crushed them in her hands. I opened the faucet and little by little I flushed all my coke including my meth. I’m going to be having a hard time withdrawing for a bit but thankfully I have been doing coke again for only a short time. I told Justin to give me some time, be patient with me and offer encouragement. He asked me why I just got rid of all my coke. I gave him a hug and told him to stop listening to his file and soon he will understand. He still has that eraser file hopefully in quick order he normalizes. As for me no more cheating back in the gym, and being the wife Justin deserves. I love Nicole and Justin so much. I want us to be a family. It’s strange I know, but when I’m not fucking things up we are so perfect as a group. We all care deeply for each other, I have to appreciate everything. Nicole instantly showed me she wanted me off coke, it took her 5 seconds to prove it. This is going to be very hard. If somehow I relapse, I vow to go into rehab. I won’t fail. I’m very intelligent for what appears to be this Barbie doll exterior. I’m a lot deeper than long blonde hair makeup and breast implants, it was my life’s work to look this way, my job, my livelihood. If you can’t love yourself you can’t love another. Really appreciate the input. Sometimes someone or some thing comes into your life at the exact right moment. This was that moment. I know I have an exceptional support team with Nicole and Justin. Nicole is a gifted woman. She saved me and Justin, completely saved us, even though in doing so she could have been the one that got hurt. I have to start loving life again, not loving drugs. I can point to an awful family upbringing, abusive boyfriends, but I made these bad choices, not them. I need a line so bad right now, but that’s my fault. This will be painful, but I have a HUGE reward waiting for me if they can forgive me. I will succeed.

[wmxx]

It was a tough day. Justin suggested we all start becoming active again. We all went for an early morning jog. Just a mile. Justin used to do 5 but decided he would start at 2. I got about a half mile and had to stop. Nicole made the 1 mile, I had to walk the last 1:2 mile. I think we all felt the neglect, me more than anyone else. When I met Justin I could do 2 miles easy, now forget it. Justin took us for a ride to see 3 houses he has chosen, he said we have to move, we have produced too much negative energy in that house. I don’t feel good at all today. I have thoughts of caving in to Glenn and getting coke. I had it go through my mind to go see Mike and have him shoot me up. Staying busy today has helped. It is a long road but I did it when we moved here. Feeling kind of depressed, but Justin is giving me a lot of love, and Nicole is having her own issues as we both quit smoking. Day 1 is coming to a close.

[stupidme]

I'm so glad to see this, I want to encourage you to keep it up. Know you have people here reading who want you to be happy healthy wonderful people. even when we are too introverted to talk.
Keep it up, I'm cheering you on

[wmxx]

Thank you so much. Justin has furiously used his eraser files at the direction of Nicole. I couldn’t do this without both of them. God willing, I will keep fighting. It is so much harder, maybe I even have some meth withdrawal at least if Glenn is serious. I scooped out a lot of it though. Justin had us out this morning against my will jogging, my energy level is 0, not sleeping all that well. He and Nicole are taking me to the beach for some fresh air and a picnic lunch but my appetite is not there. I need Justin and Nicole more than ever. Justin pleaded with Nicole to leave her job sensa notice as an emergency. He will take care of her. She agreed. I need them both. Justin is almost like an intensive care nurse, he is attending to me with all the love I could ever ask for. My brain seems to be at peak emotion. I’m already feeling my love for him like I used to feel, I never even knew it changed. I cry a lot because I realize how much they care for me instead of being paranoid they were going to steal my coke. Nicole made me take my ad down completely, and block any texts or calls from Amy, Mike, or Glenn, and contacts from my ad. I did. Seems even harder today than yesterday. I could not finish a simple mile jog again. Pathetic! I hope anyone here prays for me, I need the help and it is appreciated. I can do this.

[stupidme]

Keep it UP! every little bit counts!

[wmxx]

Thanks again. Justin put an offer on the house that was our consensus pick. It even has a built in pool and spa. It is way bigger than where we live now, and seems bigger than Justin’s old house. He was hoping to get a call tonight from the realtor but nothing yet. Yesterday was tough, today tougher. If I had coke, I’d do a line right now. I don’t and that is a good thing. We just got home. Been a long day. I’m exhausted and didn’t really do anything, but I have slept 4-5 hrs a night. My energy level is 0 right now. This running stuff isn’t helping, but I realize how bad I need it. Justin will have a workout room that is about the size he had in his other house if this goes through. It will be a huge upgrade, but I have no energy. I have to go to Glenn’s and get the rest of my stuff. Part of me was hoping he’d be there and gets me some coke, but Nicole is coming with me just in case he is there. Going to sit with Justin and Nicole, and try to get some sleep early. Day 2 I made it.

[stupidme]

Good Job! Eating sleeping and exercising healthily will do so much for you. I hope getting your stuff from glens house goes well.

[grover27]

Amber,
I'm sure this is really tough right now, but you have an amazing life right now at your fingertips just waiting to be there for you to enjoy and be cherished for your life. There is one option that allows you to have a dream life and another option that ruins it all. If you knew that doing coke again would cause Justin to die, would you do it? In some ways, you are close to that scenario. It's going to be hard, but so worth it. What an amazing life you can have with Justin and Nicole if you stay strong.

[wmxx]

Thank you, both of you. This morning Justin wanted us to run but Nicole and I wanted to get to Glenn’s house and out of there before noon. Justin was hearing none of it and said ok, we will run when you get back. We got to Glenn’s house and there was a sealed envelope on the table with my name on it. Nicole grabbed it and said don’t even read it, and she ripped it in a lot of tiny pieces and put it in her bag. Nicole went in the closet and took my clothes out 1 by 1 searching every pocket, just in case he somehow put some coke in a pocket. She found nothing. I can’t believe she even did that. We got home and off we went for a run. Justin did I think another 1/2 mile or 2.5. Nicole a mile and I went about 50 yards further which Justin told me I should do. I was out of gas. Justin accepted a counter offer on the house! We are moving into this pretty big almost new house. Justin needs to cash in some stocks, and he said this will be an investment instead of having all my eggs in one basket. We are almost on the water, really nice home and all 3 of us picked this one over 2 others. We will probably be moving real soon. My appetite suddenly had come back and then some. My craving for coke is strong. Justin has been doing a lot of reading and he said I am past the crash and the coke is mostly or all out of my body. Why do I need it so much then? Grrrr. I do have to say Justin has been so warm and caring for me. Strange, but as far as I know, no one has had sex in this house since I came back. My sex drive and energy are 0, and we all have been busy, and sex seems to have taken a back seat. In a way it is a good thing. We are all really getting along without sex even being in the equation. If I didn’t have them, I wouldn’t be getting through, and for Grover, and stupidme, you may think your well wishes mean nothing. Well, they mean a lot. Thank you. Can’t believe I made it through day 3!!!! We all have been exercising and busy everyday, and The days seem to go fast. I have little time to think which is good.

[wmxx]

I forgot to mention that we all sleep in the same bed now, every night. I’m not a good part of that because I am not sleeping well. I woke up at 3 last night and went into the family room and turned the TV in with low volume. Justin followed me out and we laid down on the couch. Within 15 minutes I was asleep. I woke up this morning wrapped around Justin. I really see how lucky I am to have him. I gave him so many reasons to just ditch me, and he is so loyal and dedicated and forgiving to me. All the things I did, and he found out hurt him, but not once did he so much as raise his voice to me. I sat in his lap just like every other time we needed to talk and in a loving way, spoke to me, no lectures, no mean words, just sharing his disappointment and how it hurt him. He keeps me going everyday now. The clearer my mind gets the more I realize what I truly have. I have been that to him, coke fucked up what I can give to him. From now on he will have that. Nicole has turned out to be totally amazing. She is the most unselfish woman I have ever met. I love her so much. I know it’s so strange. I had never been with a woman before, and she just happened to be the right woman. This I am certain could have never happened with anyone else. I have no jealousy of her and Justin. Their love is actually so nice, and it doesn’t threaten me and Justin. I don’t have words to explain it, you have to live it to understand. I can’t imagine her not with us, that would be so sad.

[stupidme]

What many people don't understand (I suffer from this as well for some things) is 'need' is a mental thing as well as a physical thing. your body may not feel the need for coke right now but your brain is used to it and wants what it's used to.
Keep it up! Nicole and Justin love you and I want to keep encouraging you to love them back to the fullest!

[grover27]

One day at a time and you made it another day. I have been addicted to porn all of my life and sissy hypno for many years. I broke the sissy hypno but have continued to struggle with porn. I haven't looked at any (minus the banners on this website) since 12/20 and staying strong. I tell you this because that may be minor compared to drug addiction, but I understand how hard it is to break an addiction. I'm trying to break this in private so hopefully having J and N to support you will help. Ironically, hypnosis may actually be helpful for getting past the mental side of the addiction, but it's probably best for you to see a professional (versus finding tracks online or whatever). I am constantly impressed by J and now by N and I want to see all 3 of you guys happy for life. You have some really special people in your life who love you and want to see you break out of this. Thankfully, this really can end up being a little blip in an otherwise amazing life. Think back to your past and some of the things that seemed terrible and life ending at the time you were in them (it sounds like you may have had a few) and then consider that you made it past those times and they seem like ancient history, as bad as they were at the time. This too will be like that soon enough. Just stay strong, take it day by day, and think of the amazing future you can have ahead of you as a clean and sober woman. Also, don't worry about your sex drive and energy and things like that. All of that will return to normal levels at some point. It may take a week, a month or 6 months, but getting back to it naturally is the right way to do it.

[wmxx]

Wow this morning Justin took Nicole and I into what is pretty much his office. He ordered some things to be written and documented, and set up something that had Nicole about ready to pass out. He got personal information from her and opened an investment account for 500,000!!!!!! She was completely floored! He said this is yours even if you walk out the door right now. He is hooking her up with his financial advisor. He had legal documents for me, a post nip. I get everything if something happens to him providing I can successfully complete 4 weekly drug tests in 4 consecutive. If I don’t and complete a 90 day program and clean for 90 more days, it is mine. He is really looking out for my long term interests. With this he showed us his net worth from a financial statement prepared for the bank. Let’s just say it is insane! I had no idea!!! Nicole just looked at me with her mouth open. You would never know it. You would think he’d have a bunch of luxury cars and gold and stuff, he has none. He said he bought this house as a diversity investment, but also so all of us can have an environment to thrive in. It is beautiful and has everything.

[wmxx]

I forgot to thank stupidme, and Grover for encouraging remarks. It does mean something! We all have demons, and I wish both of you fighting off those that may harm you as well. We are all in search of the better person inside of us, some of us take longer than others to find it. I’m gaining ground. I have 2 of the most amazing people there with me literally 24/7. I have so much love to give as they do, and I am determined to give every untainted ounce of that to them both. Yeah, I’m struggling big time through every day, but I’m realizing I am progressing, and in a short time I will be whole again. Last night I had a dream I was living with Mike, and strangely, it was in this house. He was ready to shoot me up telling me I would feel better. Just as he was about to I woke up in a cold sweat and that was it. I had to get out of bed. It was so real. I woke Justin and Nicole up, and they both asked me if I was ok. I told them what happened. I was crying and very emotional, just wishing I had some coke. There are many difficult cravings. They really loved me through it. Nicole sat with me and I eventually woke up against her shoulder, Justin was sleeping in the chair. I told them it would be better if I sleep alone because they are not sleeping with me getting up every night. They both said no, we are in this with you all the way and beyond. I’m so amazed after all the damage I did they love me no matter what. I love them both beyond words. I couldn’t be with any 2 people that care so much.

[wmxx]

I’ve never see anyone spend what Justin just spent today. He said he is worried about having so much in the stock market. He said Amazon went down 170 points yesterday and he lost 100000’s of thousands of dollars all together in one day. He is going to start mixing things up he said. Nicole has been in a daze all day. She asked Justin to take it back even, that was just too much. Justin said to her, do you see this woman? He put his arms around me, and said if it wasn’t for you she wouldn’t be standing here right now! I also promised you I would take care of you, so anytime you are ready to go to the Mayo Clinic, we will all go together, if not it is yours anyway. He also said he is getting her health insurance ASAP. Justin told me that when he put my ring around his finger, it is a lifetime commitment and he means it. He said every stumbling block is a test for our love, and we will come back stronger. He said right now you are uncomfortable but each day is a new opportunity to live life on your own terms, not those of a drug. He helps me through a lot of low points. I did this before, I’m doing it again. I will be the wife Justin knew I could be. That is my focus! All my friends as I think about it were using coke, now none of them are. I will remember this agony once I’m whole again. Nicole reminded me, I can go to my boob appointment Thursday now and set my surgery day 6-8 weeks out. It is my new incentive! I may not be ready for more pain so fast, but at least it is available to me now. I did a 1/2 mile plus 100 yards this morning! Baby steps, but in the right direction. I want to make a mile by the end of next week.

[wmxx]

Rewarding day. I made love to Justin, he was with Nicole tonight, and I had some playtime with Nicole. My appetite for some reason is on overdrive. Still not very energized. Justin said we may be able to move into our new house by the end of the week if inspection goes well. I’m not looking forward to moving, but it will be nice to have all the amenities the new house has. It’s a lot bigger than it looks. I think Nicole is still in shock, it is like she won the lottery. Kind of odd, but me and Justin feel like we won the lottery having her. She is almost like a guardian angel somehow for us. She has some very good instincts doing the right thing often. She has become my best friend. I trust her, she has more than earned it, and so does Justin. Surprising, I feel no jealousy. Day 4 is complete.

[wmxx]

This morning Justin ran with me. He was determined to get me to 3/4 mile. I cam up about 100 or so yards from making it. He said just think 5 days ago you were struggling to do 1/2 mile, you have made substantial progress. I guess he is right, and eating regular again and exercising everyday including a daily beach walk, and today is the first day I feel more energy. I can for the first time feeling changes, for the good. I’d never be doing this on my own, and while I hate it, I know it is helping me. We all went grocery shopping today. We get a lot of looks because me and Nicole are always kissing Justin, and holding onto him. This is the first time he embraced it, did not get all embarrassed. I think he is embracing the situation, he has two women. He does go out of his way to make sure I know that I am the one. Justin said the home inspection was good. Looks like Monday or Tuesday this house will be ready for us to move in. We are shopping Tomm. For some furniture and stuff. A lot bigger than our house now. We are all getting excited. Won’t need to run outside, Justin has all this fitness equipment in storage that would not fit this house. He has a large fitness room in this one. We are all going to get back in shape I’m sure. I try to fast forward to how our life is going to proceed from here, a month or so down the road. I don’t envision anymore playing, we found harmony with Nicole! If anyone ever told me this would be where it all led, I’d laugh so hard. Personally, I thought I’d fall in love with a hot coke buddy, and get back to where I was. Certainly sounds good right about now, but I realize the next time can’t ever occur. I think a lot about the fact someone, somewhere, there will be coke for me. It will be my day of reckoning, I have to be strong.

[stupidme]

Keep it up! I'm so Happy for you!

[Tiger99Playtoy]

Amber, I'm glad I was able to help you. Keep going and next week you'll be able to run a mile. It's fantastic that both you and Nicole stopped smoking and doing drugs. You could set a goal of 2 miles by ?? date.

[wmxx]

Thank you both for sharing your good will. Today I did a half mile and just had nothing left. Pathetic, but I keep trying. My mind is a lot clearer, I read a lot of stuff I wrote here. I honestly can’t believe a lot of it was me. Wow! People here must think I am a total ahole. Based on what I read I would agree with them. For the first time I realize what coke was doing to me. The problem is you are feeling so good from it nothing else matters but that next line. The difference this time is it was my decision to finally break off the chains. They aren’t off yet. If coke was in front of me right now, would I snort it? For the first time I think I would not! Reading what I wrote and Tiger’s thoughts really woke me up. Crazy! How Justin is still with me? It tells me all I need to know about him, what can I say? I’m a very lucky woman, I was heading down a road that would have killed me, he and Nicole gave me life. It is up to me now. I will be everything Justin saw in me, he didn’t make a mistake I made many. Justin and Nicole are 2 people in my life that really care about me, unconditionally. I am part of them, they are part of me. Little did I know when I met Nicole, I met an angel that would not let me self-destruct. I’m starting to smile again, I take a deep breath and it feels good. I don’t know if anyone here does or ever has done coke? It is a bad road to be on, a bad road that is hard to pull off of, but take your inner strength and pull the wheel hard, and get off that road! It isn’t easy, it’s extremely hard, but something that is hard to do always is met with a reward! We all went home furnishing shopping today. Justin let me and Nicole theme everything. He was quite intrigued by our choices, and said that works. It looks like we can move in Tuesday. It is just 15-20 minutes from here, so this will be easier. As usual I’m exhausted. Justin began having sex with Nicole yesterday, and again today. I can tell Justin is avoiding asking me because he knows I will say yes no matter how tired I feel like yesterday. Day 6 is almost complete. I have to cut my hair. It is down to my waist. My hair is very fine, but you can’t imagine how heavy all this hair is. I won’t cut much, maybe an inch or two. I never let anyone play with my hair ever, but I let Justin, he loves my hair and told me not to cut it too much. It is a lot of work, especially washing it. Maybe tomorrow. Nicole and I are on the opposite ends of hair color. I am very light blonde, and hers is jet black and pretty long. Hers is real fine also, she has beautiful hair, actually she has beautiful everything. I postponed by consultation to get my boobs done. I want to be right when I do this, and I’m not there yet, but soon.

[wmxx]

Before I go I just realized if anyone is reading all this, it is probably going to get boring. We went on a two year mission to get all our fantasies and stuff out and lived. We never thought just a short while in we would end up with a third, Nicole. More than that how amazing it all fits together. I would have never guessed in a million years this would be where everything settled out. We are all really happy, we have fun together, we tend to think of how everyone else feels, and stay aware of each other. It is just so unique, I can’t describe it really. Nicole is just so right for us, I really love her so much, it is like we have known each other for years. Justin loves how Nicole and I are best friends and more. He watches us kiss and make out and it isn’t this stimulating event, I see true happiness coming from him, it is kind of like that all the way around. She loves us as well, it’s a great feeling!

[stupidme]

They truly must be a blessing in your life, and I'm sure that even if you don't feel like it they are blessed to have you there. helping to pick each other up is a big part of an intense relationship and I think the three of you have what it takes. Once again keep it up! I'd prefer the "boringness" of seeing you slowly have a happier life then watch you become a wreck.

Here's an interesting quote from shakespeare

[quote]
The quality of mercy is not strain'd;
It droppeth as the gentle rain from heaven
Upon the place beneath: it is twice blest;
It blesseth him that gives and him that takes:
'Tis mightiest in the mightiest: it becomes
The throned monarch better than his crown;
His sceptre shows the force of temporal power,
The attribute to awe and majesty,
Wherein doth sit the dread and fear of kings;
But mercy is above this sceptred sway;
It is enthroned in the hearts of kings,
It is an attribute to God himself;
And earthly power doth then show likest God's
When mercy seasons justice.
[/quote]
-William Shakespeare, from the Merchant of Venice

[wmxx]

Why I won’t do coke again, what an endless loop of disgust.

I meet Jackie at my shop, make a coke connection through Jackie before meeting Justin. Partied with and slept with Jackie.
Jackie hooks me up with Mike. Mike tells me to stop by anytime, so next thing you know, I’m doing coke at Mike’s often and start sleeping with him. Mike let’s it slip out Thinking Amy my manager, does a lot of coke assuming I knew. Me and Amy start doing coke as soon as we get to the shop every day. She is having an affair with a guy she started doing coke with. We cover for each other all the time. I meet Justin. As far as he knows, I don’t smoke, drink a little, and don’t do coke. I continue sleeping with Mike, most of the time more than Justin. Jackie comes back into the picture. I’m spending the night, and make a video of Jackie fucking me. I’m smoking a cigarette, and lines of coke are on the night table. It was my coke. I thought that was it, but I kept sleeping with Mike almost every day. I move in with Justin, still doing coke. Aubrey comes into the picture, I stall Justin watching us have sex so I could go to Aubreys house and do lines and have sex, then I move in with Glenn. He said he could get me coke, I want it so bad I permanently move in with him doing so much coke. I have an epiphany and here I am 7 days coke free! I’m so sorry to Justin. Never again. I came close to 3/4 mile today. I’m starting to get my mojo back, my life is changing. I can feel it. My mission now is to be the best wife Justin could ever have. He believed in me no matter what. Time for that to pay off for him. He has 2 women, and I have a woman and Justin. Our journey appears to have taken us to the right place. We are all moving into an amazing home. We are all happy. Nicole says she wants to be part of this until we don’t want her anymore. That won’t happen, she is needed! Thankfully my recent coke use was of short duration. I’m coming you a lot quicker. I’m never doing it again. I know I can say no now, and the two people I love the most in life, showed me all the love a woman could want

[wmxx]

I’m actually feeling some energy. I asked Nicole if she would be ok if I slept with Justin tonight, and she slept in the other bedroom. She responded by saying, you never have to ask me that. I will sleep in the other bedroom every night if you want. I gave her a hug and said, no just for tonight. It has been a long time, and I just want some time with him for tonight. Next thing you know we started kissing, and off to bed we went. That felt really good, I’m in love with another woman that sleeps with my husband. When I think of this it blows my mind, but I love it, which makes it even crazier. I won’t even try and explain how it feels because I can’t. I’m sure it won’t always be this way, and we will have flare ups, but we all are easy going, and will get through it. Justin has really been attentive to me. I can tell he wants the Amber he thought I was back, and he is going to get her back. I’m feeling better and better. Today was an inspiring day for me and my future. Day 7! Getting there!

[wmxx]

Today was a great day! I did 3/4 mile, and Justin says we all get Sunday off to rest. He said I could be doing a mile by next Saturday. I’m actually getting into this because my energy level is up. We were out all day and just got home an hour ago. I’m still amazed how much we all love each other and how interchangeable we all are. There is a lot of love for anyone that is not having a good day for whatever reason. Nicole will be spending most of tomorrow at her Mom’s. That means Justin and me have a day to ourselves. I think there will be a lot of lovemaking. After so much going on here for so long, the calm feels so good. We have been through a lot of trial and error but we have come out with something truly unexpected. Nicole is like the glue that makes sure we all stay bonded. She has strong instincts about a lot of things. I really love her so much. She has become a very favorable part of us. Well, day 8 is winding down, I think I am going to stir this night up and time for a three way love session.

[stupidme]

So happy for you, Keep it up!

[wmxx]

Today has been my toughest day. Last night I had a dream I was back in my shop. I was walking in early in the morning, and there is Amy with my line of coke ready. I do the line, and we go outside for our cigarette and coffee. It must have been a Saturday and she asked me if I was heading to Mike’s house. I said of course. She said lucky you, sex and coke all day. I said I love Saturday’s now! Not sure about the rest, but I remember walking into Mike’s house and he had 2 big lines waiting for us as usual. We did the lines, and we usually have a cigarette and sex, but he grabbed me threw me in the bed, and cuffed me to the bed posts and tied my feet together. I was freaking out a little because we never did anything like that. He walked out of the room and came back with a needle in hand, and he said you are going to be mine in about a minute after I shoot you up, you will love it, I started yelling, in my sleep and woke myself, and everyone else up. I was literally in a cold sweat. I couldn’t sleep the rest of the night, Justin got up with me. I told him my dream, it was so real. I told him I really need some coke. He said, why, it was only a dream, it should be saying you don’t need coke! Yes, but it was so real, and doing a line with Amy just has me wanting it so bad. He talked me down off the ledge so to speak, but all I can think of is getting my hands on some coke. I have been fantasizing on and off all day, just drive back to Amy’s and get some coke, meet Glenn at his house for lunch tomorrow and have him bring some, and have sex with him. I promised Justin I would watch football with him today and cuddle. All I could think of is I have to find some coke. Nicole isn’t home, I want to ask her to get some from her friend but not tell Justin. If I had some now I wouldn’t hesitate to snort it. I know it isn’t right but it’s all that has been on my mind. Day 8, sucks!

[wmxx]

I guess it is day 9

[wmxx]

Justin asked me if I needed help getting through this. He mentioned a 90 day treatment plan. I said 90 days? There is no way I’m going into one of those for 90 days. That’s not an option. I’ll be fine. I just have had a tough day. Justin and Nicole are concerned, but I’m not going into someplace for 90 days, by then they won’t even know who I am anymore and Justin and Nicole will be a couple by then, no chance! I hope tomorrow is better than this, these dreams are to vivid, hope they stop, that is the second one. Maybe coke is out of my body but it seems to still be in my subconscious. How long is that gonna last? I’ve been grouchy all day and night. I’m going to try and sleep, but that doesn’t seem to be working out. I have to run tomorrow, ugh! Day 9 was f***ing awful!

[stupidme]

Remember that they love you! There will be ups and downs with this day 9 was a down, but keep it up and keep nurturing your relationships with those you know will be good for you and them. Justin and Nicole definitely fall into that category. Work to get to know them in and out, and work to let them into your own mind, as much as it might be painful in the long run that will be very enriching.

Keep it up!

[wmxx]

We are officially in our new home! It is amazing. Justin has a Sonos Theater system through the house. It is a smart house, I don’t even know how everything works yet. The pool is cold, but it has solar heating and will be warm by tomorrow. The bathrooms are huge, especially in the master room. We can walk to the beach in about 3 minutes. The last 2 days moving everything has changed my mindset for the better. Nicole said she can’t believe this is where she lives. We have a complete exercise room that is huge and Justin has already took stuff he had from his other house out of storage. He has a couple other things coming. No more running outside, have it all here with any music we want piped in and the sound is amazing. We are all excited, happy, and pretty tired. It seems surreal, you could get lost in here! We have already christened the bedroom lol, that was one of the first things we did. So excited, day 11 is perfect!

[wmxx]

I talked to Justin and told him since he has Nicole, I wanted another guy to have sex with. He said that’s fine, but you need to go at least 30 days and then make sure you aren’t still thinking about coke. I said by the time 30 days are up I won’t be looking anymore. But, I opened my ad again and have been texting the guy that uses a lot of coke and wants to spend weekends together doing coke and having sex, and trying heroine together. I’m finally going to get my coke back:)))! I’m dying for a line so bad now that I’m texting with him. I told him to give me 2 weeks and I will start spending weekends with him. Finally! It is going to be like getting Mike back! I will only be doing coke on the weekends only, at least to start. I’m getting in better shape, but I miss doing lines so bad! I’m finally going to do some again, and hopefully get back to 20 or so lines a day over the weekend. I am now counting days down. After next weekend, the following weekend I get my coke back, I can’t wait! Excited!

[wmxx]

So Justin had to go out for awhile, and Nicole looks at me and says, can you keep a secret? I said why are you asking me that. She takes me out to the pool deck opens her bag and takes out her cigarettes. Lights one up and said I can’t quit, When I went to my friends where I used to live I smoked some weed, and I was dying for a cigarette and I had some. When I went to my Mom’s on Sunday, I picked up a pack, because my Mom smokes and I knew I’d be dying for them. So I’m smoking again. I said I have been craving so bad, and I asked her for one. OMG it tasted so good, so we are both smoking again. She said she was sorry because she knew if she smoked it would make me smoke. She also said that she just couldn’t resist smoking weed even though she said so. So I told her I have been talking to a guy that does a lot of coke, and I’m meeting up with him in two weeks. I’m going to be doing coke on weekends. She said Amber you don’t want to go back down that road. I said you might be right, but look at you. You can’t quit cigarettes or weed. She said I know, I’m setting a bad example. I said well I don’t want to quit coke either. She understands but is trying to talk me out of it. I got my cigarettes back, I missed them so much. She wants to tell Justin, she hates hiding it

[stupidme]

STOP RIGHT NOW,
you are doing so well, keep pushing through, you have to at LEAST do what justin says with waiting 30 days.
I think this is the coke addiction talking, and we've already talked about how this is the stuff that you NEED to talk to each other about
ALL OF YOU, what makes the problems worse is the lack of communication, you NEED to tell justin about this person, opening up your ad without talking to justin about it is a huge step back in my opinion
especially since the person is wanting to do drugs with you
definitely give it at LEAST 30 days

please think deep and hard about what you are considering

[wmxx]

I know. Nicole caved in and now I feel like I am caving in. I need my coke so bad I wish I was meeting him today. It is going to be like having Mike back. I can’t tell Justin. Nicole is trying to talk me out of it. She said if I do this she is leaving. That would be awful. I don’t want that to happen but I need this outlet. I have two weeks to change my mindset, but right now I don’t think that’s going to happen. It won’t be everyday just the weekends.

[wmxx]

Justin is frustrated we are both smoking again. He said we were doing so well and not to give up. Nicole said she is going to try again, so I didn’t have much choice. Thankfully I have not had that many. I told Justin he will see I can quit so he gains confidence in me meeting with another guy. Two more weeks, and I will be doing lines again, and when I do, I will definitely be smoking. No way I could do lines without my cigarettes. I just have to try and be patient, show Justin everything is ok, and very soon I will be doing coke again, and I’m not quitting again, this is sooooo hard, it is all I can think about. If after the weekend I need some to get me through the week, I know I can get some. Hopefully I can just do lines on the weekend, but if need be I will be able to get away with doing lines at home. I’m soon going to have a coke/fuck buddy, that is when I am happiest. We have been texting, and we both can’t wait! Two Fridays from today, I can’t wait.

[grover27]

First of all, I'm really confused about how you guys use this form like it's a private diary for sharing the secrets that you don't want the other person to know. Aren't you all reading each other's messages and know what the other person is saying? Isn't Justin going to read this and be heart broken that you want to restart your secret coke addict life with a random dude??
The whole thing seems a little weird. It almost makes me question this whole thread's veracity except for the fact that it's so elaborate that I can't imagine someone making this all up. With that said I logged in here specially to ask Amber what the f***???!!

I can't even believe what I'm reading here. Your husband just moved you into an amazing house and you have an amazing life and he doesn't want you doing coke and yet you're on here already talking about how you're going to be doing coke soon. I'm sure that it's a bad addiction but come on you're not even trying! You know that this is important to him (as it would be to most normal guys) and you supposedly love him and he's promised the world to you and yet you're still planning on doing something that you know is extremely disappointing to him. This pisses me off so much that I have to say that I hope Justin dumps your ass and wakes up and realizes that he doesn't have to put up with this shit. If you want to flush your life down the toilet, then go ahead and do it, but I don't think there will be anyone on here that feels sorry for you if you make that choice.
Or, you can stay clean and turn your life around and enjoy the amazing things life has to offer without being high on a drug that will ultimately destroy your life. Your choice.

[wmxx]

Well it doesn’t matter anymore. Justin asked me if I would take a drug test when I came back from spending the weekend with Jeff. I said never mind you don’t trust me. As far as what is going on here, it is 100% real. This is our life. Justin swore it off, so if you noticed, I’m the only one here for quite awhile, and in a way it is a diary. I appreciate all posts both negative and positive, I don’t get mad, I just absorb what is said, so feel free. Obviously nice comments feel better, but life isn’t always pleasant.m

[stupidme]

Are you trustworthy?

[wmxx]

I wrote Justin a long letter. I apologized for everything I did behind his back. I know I need to get off coke. I came back home from Glenn’s under an agreement that I could do my 20 lines a day and each week I would reduce the lines by one, so week 2 was 19. Weaning myself off of it. I decided to throw all my coke away and go cold turkey. I am realizing now, I can’t go cold turkey. I wake up everyday needing a line. I need to slowly withdraw, not all at once. Justin agreed to that and if I failed I agreed to go into a 30 day rehab. I told Justin the guy I am going to meet does coke. I want to start the original plan but starting at 17 lines a day so 17 weeks. I have talked to Jeff, about quitting with me, and he said he can’t. I explained the 17 week plan and he said that might work. I shared all the texts with Justin. So I said to him, this was your original plan and you gave your word. A lot more but that was the gist of it. A long conversation ensued. He is not in favor, at all, but he said he did give his word. He said he looked into a way he could force me into rehab as my wife, and he could get a court order to do so. I told him he won’t have to, if I fail I will commit to a 60 day program. I told him I will stick to this plan as we originally planned. He said after week 17, will you submit to a weekly drug test for a year. I said yes. I don’t want to be stuck doing coke my whole life, this is the only way, and it was your plan to begin with. He reluctantly agreed since he gave his word, and he said one way or the other in 17 weeks I won’t be doing coke anymore. He drew up some papers and we both signed them, allowing him to put me in a rehab via court order after week 17. I feel so relieved. I’m going to Jeff’s after 5 tonight, and my first week starts now. I’m literally shaking knowing I’m going to do lines all weekend. Ivan hardly function thinking about it, but I have to stay on track. I know this is my last chance. It’s up to me now. I will get used to doing less and less and be more functional, cold turkey is just impossible for me. Justin even made love to me after our talk. He told me he doesn’t want to watch me do any lines, but wants me to keep a daily printed list. He said I’m putting my word out to you, you are putting your word out to me, this is your one chance to finally prove to me that you want our relationship to be special, this will go a long way to proving that.

[wmxx]

I may not even do 17 lines, I want to surprise Justin and get through this faster than 17 weeks, although this weekend I will probably do a lot I am craving so bad. I feel like I just got Mike back. I also told him I will definitely be smoking again because I have to have my cigarettes when I do lines. He worried about me getting Nicole started again. I told him I will do my best not to smoke around her. I am doing the same with my cigarettes starting from 17 to 0 over 17 weeks. I’m setting a goal to be at 0 in 12 weeks. I want to surprise Justin in a very good way. That would be the best way to show him I am serious. I absolutely want to avoid rehab. That would be a total nightmare!

[wmxx]

Justin asked me not to say anything to Nicole, he said he wants to tell her and talk to her tonight. He is taking her out to the store, and I will be gone before they get back. I’m not sure how this is going to pan out, as Nicole told me she would leave if I start doing coke again, but this is different, I am stopping. Hope she understands, she wasn’t to good with cold turkey on her weed and cigarettes either.

[wmxx]

OMG I just pulled in. I’m finally going to do a line in less than 2 minutes then sex. I’m so happy right now!!!!

[wmxx]

OMG! I forgot how good this feels. I was dying to get my coke back, and my new coke/fuck buddy Jeff came through for me. The sex was so intense. Nothing like sex doing lines. I do feel like I did when I was sleeping with Mike and doing lines all day. I have done 2 lines with Jeff, his coke is so good. We have been making out, constantly. I’m so glad I have him now. I told him I keep a log. This is so incredible. I haven’t felt like this since I stopped doing coke, what a mistake that was. Jeff changed all that, so happy to be with him now.

[wmxx]

Wow! I told him I needed about 100 lines worth before I leave , and asked him how much. I wanted to put it in my bag now so I don’t forget. He said since I just started again he’d give me enough for this week free. He is so sweet:))))!!! He said he would give me some extra so if I do more, I won’t have to run out. Nothing worse than running out of coke. I bought plenty of cigarettes to get me through the weekend. After sex and doing coke my cigarettes are a must. It really feels like I’m with Mike again, it feels so good. I was feeling so awful, not sleeping, having dreams, now I feel fantastic! I’m wondering if 17 lines a day will be enough. I will be doing really big lines so 17 will be like 25-30 once I get going, and when I start doing less lines, I will actually be doing more coke:)) so I get the full impact. I will be addicted, which I actually love, as long as I have coke, there is nothing like craving knowing you can satisfy it. Same with my cigarettes, nothing like satisfying that craving.

[wmxx]

We just did our third line. I’m so happy and relieved. Jeff asked me now that I’m doing coke again, do I really want to quit it? I said of course not, I have been doing everything I can to start doing it again. I tried to quit cold turkey, but that is way too hard. I told him I really do have to quit, long term it is going to catch up to me, and I love my husband so much. I know I have to quit. He said I know where your coming from I have a high pressure big job, and I pretty much need it, but you are right, I am 35 and I have to do something soon. I told him this is our chance. He said before I quit, I want to try heroin, I know 2 people that shoot about a half a hits worth, once every 3-4 months because anymore than that and your hooked and your life is ruined. They told me if I ever try it do half and don’t have anymore around or you might do it and then your fucked. He asked me if I’d do it with him and I said yes, I always wanted to try it. I came really close one time. My coke buddy had the needle right near my arm and then told me he couldn’t do it. I was disappointed, because I was so ready to try it. I told him I couldn’t shoot myself up, asked if he would do it, he said he would. He said maybe when you come next Friday I can shoot you up before you do any lines? I said that sounds good but I want to enjoy my coke for awhile so maybe in a few weeks. This feels so much like when I was with Justin and doing coke with Mike and sleeping with him more than I even slept with Justin. I wish he was around every day like Mike. I love having sex with someone new, especially while high. He even talks a lot like Mike, it reminds me of Mike so much. I wonder how many lines I did with Mike? Must have been 1000 or more and I bet I had sex with him 500 or more times. Jeff doesn’t bounce back as fast, but he wants to have sex again when we do our next line. I just looked I have had 6 cigarettes already since I got here, something about coke makes you smoke a lot, but I have been deprived of both so long I can’t get enough. Time to talk more with my new coke buddy. I’m loving it!

[wmxx]

He asked me if my husband did coke and I said no. He asked me if he knew I did? I said when I met him I had a coke/sex buddy like what we are doing. He had no idea I was doing coke and having an affair, and what’s really wild is you remind me of him so much. I used to go over his house several days a week and do lines and have sex. I did lines at home everyday. He had no idea. I got caught, but I kept doing it. He found out again, and he knows I am sleeping with you doing coke. We live with another woman that we both sleep with. He said oh wow, is she as hot as you? I said I think she is hotter than me. Wow your husband has it made! Two gorgeous women! Don’t you worry about her taking him? I said no I love her she is so unique. I trust her so much. He has been sleeping with her more than me, but now that I am back on coke I will change that fast. Time for another line and more sex! This is so awesome, I’m happy again!

[wmxx]

We just did our 6th line. I feel so much better now. You don’t know how bad I needed this. I’m starting to feel like I’m with Mike again, Such a strange feeling, but in a good way. I should have never flushed my coke, that was so dumb. He asked me if I ever did coke cut with meth or did lines of meth. I told him yes, it really kept me high for like 5 hours. I was picking the meth out as much as I could because I wanted to do a line of meth but I never got to try it. He said he did it and it’s great but coming down is really tough. It makes you want more, so you could become very easily hooked. I told him I’d probably love it then, as long as I had more lol. I love my coke though, and I’m so fucking happy I have it back. I gave him a big kiss and thanked him for getting me back on it, I love it so much. I don’t have to sit and crave for it every day anymore, this is so nice! Coke with sex is my favorite things in the whole world. Justin will be happy because my sex drive is going to be on overdrive again, maybe he will want me on coke:))). I was already thinking maybe I could contact Glenn and exchange favors. I will take my drug tests at his friends lab. He passes me, and I will sleep with Glenn. I could keep my coke as long as I want:))). That would be so perfect. But I have to at least try and be over this in 17 weeks, but if I can’t I am not going to rehab, I will seduce Glenn and his friend will pass me. So if I can’t quit I have a plan. I’m going to start stockpiling coke that I get from Jeff every week so in 17 weeks, if needed I have a huge stockpile of coke:). Right now I’m so high all I can think about as preserving my coke so I never run out. It is always good to have a backup plan in case I fail. Jeff is really a sweetheart, he knows already how much I love coke, and he told me he’d always take care of me just like Mike. I feel like I went back in time. I was the happiest when I had Mike in my life, now Jeff is exactly like Mike, I’m so lucky to have him.

[wmxx]

Jeff is so cute. I was telling him how Amy used to have my line ready every morning when I walked in, and my coffee cup full, and we would go out and talk about our day and have two cigarettes. Then how I would head to Mike’s to do lines and have sex all day. So he was up before me, came in laid on the bed and gave me a wake up kiss, and he said come here I have a surprise for you. I walk out to the kitchen and there is 2 lines one for each, my coffee and cigarettes on the table. He said I probably don’t look much like Amy, but I know how much these moments meant to you. After your line, coffee, and cigarettes, You can come back into “Mike’s” room and do another line and have sex. I couldn’t wait to do my line, and have a couple cigarettes with my coffee. This is almost surreal. I feel more at home than anytime since we moved here. I am so happy I have my coke and cigarettes back, and a really thoughtful coke/fuck buddy:). This is going to be an awesome day with Jeff. Today starts my 17 line maximum, but I can tell once that gets down to 12 or so, I will be doing much bigger lines, and even more coke:) with my new honey.