I need some help

[wmxx]

Mike went to get my heroin:). I’m so glad I tried it now. I know I’m getting hooked but it is so good why wouldn’t want to get hooked on it. I finally did a line about 30 minutes ago. I still love my coke! I have to get all my clothes, I’m sure by next week I will be dating as an escort. Sounds like so much fun, especially high. I will be wanting sex as much as them. I will make sure they ask for me again. Some of these girls don’t put out. I will have sex with all of them, they will going out with me! I feel a lot better. This morning I felt like I was going to throw up, hope it’s not from the heroin. Doing lines helped though. I have been high since I have been here and will always be high thanks to my new love. He is so nice!

[wmxx]

Mike is going to be so happy. The guy I met at the club that I had sex with twice text me back! I will be sleeping with him tomorrow around 1. Mike is going to be so happy! I love him so much, I will do anything for him, he takes care of me and always jumps to make sure I don’t end up craving anything. So different than where I was. That was so awful, so glad I’m out of there for good.

[wmxx]

My sweetie came home with a lot of goodies for me:). I sat him down and told him how much I see that he cares for me. I told him I had a nice surprise for him but we have to do a line together first. I told him I love him so much I’m going to fuck someone for him tomorrow and come home and tell him every detail. I reached into his pants and sure enough he was hard. So I said don’t waste that, put it inside of me. I’m so happy here! I told him soon when our escort business starts I will be fucking someone every day:). Come home do a line with my honey and tell him what a good date I was! This is like living a dream. I have everything I want, I will make sure I am his everything.I will do anything for him, he is the one that shoots me up and feel so good.

[wmxx]

I’m already starting to feel a craving for more heroin. This stuff is really strong, but I’m sure that’s why it is so good. I have a feeling once he shoots me up tomorrow, I will never be turning back, but I don’t want to I love it! I have no idea how many lines I did today, which is good, I don’t have to worry I can have all I want. Mike is hard to keep up with, he does more than me, but I’ll get there soon enough, although I’m doing heroine now so probably won’t. I really don’t think I will ever not be high except the 4-5 hours I am able to sleep. Mike is growing on me, I love how he treats me, one thing about coke you can just talk for hours. I know so much about him already, he is a great guy. He compliments everything, my looks, nails, boobs, belly piercings, and said my lips are hypnotic, they are so perfect, and he loves my very long blonde hair. I’m not big on anyone playing with my hair, but guys can’t keep their hands off it. He loves me topless so I am always walking around bare chested. He says he is a boob man and mine are so big and perfect he can’t keep his hand or tongue off them, which is fine. He gives me so much attention and he makes me feel so loved. I landed in the perfect place!

[wmxx]

I woke up this morning around 5, and didn’t feel good again. I ended up throwing up and felt very nauseous. I’m thinking maybe it is the heroine, but it started the day before I took it. I’m going to the store and see if I can find something for an upset stomach, and I will have Mike shoot me up when I get home. I have another idea, but before I sound the alarm, I will hold onto those thoughts. I just need something to stop this feeling, hope it doesn’t have to do with heroin, maybe it takes time for my body to get used to it, or maybe I’m doing too much coke with it. Off to the store.

[wmxx]

I’m so scared right now. I’m pregnant. A while back I thought it was my placebo week for my pills and didn’t take them. I missed a week thinking I have been on them so long a week wasn’t going to matter. I told Justin last night I’m now an escort and shooting heroine and we are done. He all but begged me to come home and get help. Now I am scared to death. My baby could belong to any of 4 guys. I really think it is Glenn’s baby. I’m scared to death all the drugs I have done have hurt my baby. I’m so off of drugs right now, If I hurt my baby I will never be able to live with myself. I am going home getting my things telling Mike, and going to tell Justin. I feel so all alone and I don’t even think it is Justin’s baby and after last night omg. I am so scared right now. If my baby is hurt I will never get over it. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to go tell Mike, I don’t want to tell Justin. What if it belongs to Glenn? The guy I met in the club, Mark a guy I have had sex with 3 times that travels here sometimes. I am so scared right now, I’m just going to sit here and cry, and I feel like shit, and I’m dying for a line. I need someone fast. I have to face Justin after last night, this is so scary, I worry so much about what I might have done to my baby. I’m totally freaking out.

[stupidme]

Go back to Justin he is the most stable and truthfully caring person, also the one who is best suited to keeping you off drugs while pregnant remember how it felt to be honest with him he is so loving and forgiving. Go to him

[stupidme]

Her is also legally your husband

[wmxx]

I’m so scared right now. I went home yesterday morning. I walked in and Nicole was in the kitchen, she ran to me, and started crying, and said sweetheart, everything is going to be ok, Justin has been crying constantly, we are so worried about you. He is in the shower I will get him right now sit down please. Justin came out didn’t even dry off, he buckled to the floor next to my chair, put his arms around me and said I want to help you, I don’t even know how not to love you, and he completely broke down, and so did all of us. The emotions in the room were so intense, I felt like I was going to pass out. He said meet me in the bedroom I have to dry off I will be right in. He came in and I just melted into his shoulder, he was so broken up, It was at least 30 minutes before he could even say anything even though he tried. He finally said I don’t care who belongs to that baby, I pray to God I do, but we have to make sure it gets cared for immediately. He told me no matter the outcome, he loves me, has always loved me, will always love me. He said you are my life, my soul, my heart beats just for you! I broke down and was so lightheaded. I could feel his love and his pain. It is a moment I never could ever forget. We spent the better part of 4 hours and most of it was not chastising what I have done, but him letting me know what I am to him. He took so much of the fear out of me by the time we left that room I felt so much better. This is one incredible soul I have found in Justin, and then it was both Nicole and Justin. It was such a tearful day. So much more, but the final result is we are all flying to the Mayo Clinic where I have an appointment with an obGYN on Monday morning. We leave Sunday. Justin as emotionally distraught as a man could be, still has the focused energy to get all details on what needs to happen. He knows I understand my drug days are over for good, and they are! I’m so scared I may have hurt my baby. I told Justin I am scared it is Glenn’s baby. He said he doesn’t care about that right now. He is focused on getting that baby all the care it needs. We will worry about that if that time comes. He said no matter who it belongs to, if I choose to be with him, he will be the best father that child could ever have. Please know that! When I’m out of the fog of drugs, I see Justin in a way that I love him sooooo much. I’m such a fucking fool! I see he would die for me, I’m beyond lucky he sees me the way he does.

[danny1988]

Stay with Justin and Nicole, you need their help.
You have to look after the baby.

[wmxx]

Justin said one thing to me this morning that really hit me hard. He said you need to know one thing. The fact that you are pregnant, and the fact that you realized it when you did, saved your life. Do you realize that? I just started crying, and melted into him, and kept nodding yes. He said you owe everything and every bit of energy to make sure and he said “our baby” gets everything it needs from you to return that favor, our baby is special! Really have been thinking about that, and he is right, I was on a death spiral. I am praying so hard it is his. I can’t imagine it any other way. That scares me so much. I owe Justin more than I could ever give him back. I said I’m going to be all fat and ugly now, are you gonna still love me? He told me there isn’t a more beautiful woman than the one carrying “his” child! I said what if it is not yours and I started crying. He said that is the least of his worries right now, right now it is “ours”. It will always be ours. Your my wife, and nothing will ever change that, nothing! You need to live that, and believe that, because it is true! I don’t even know what to say. Drugs completely make you blind! That’s my only answer.

[grover27]

Admittedly, this is not a helpful post but more of an outside observation.
I don't think I have anything positive to say about any of what is going on right now (other than Justin is the closest thing to a saint I've ever heard about), so I'll keep my mouth shut about that at this point.
Just came here to say this thread started less than 4 months ago (think about what's happened here in less than 4 months!) about a dude who stumbled down the hypno sissy rabbit hole and didn't like what he found.
He titled it "I need some help".
What a prophetic title this became but for completely different reasons.

[stupidme]

https://youtu.be/XB6yjGVuzVo

[wmxx]

Sometimes something so simple can make your day or ruin your day. Stupid me you just made my day thank you so much. You remembered? Justin sent me that. He sent me and Micole flowers today. Just 5 words. Just believe, I love you!

[wmxx]

I’m so nervous about this appointment Monday. Beyond that Justin set up for a personal trainer for all of us to come over and talk Wednesday. He Ha also set appointments with a nutritionist for us all. Weird thing is no one is having sex here, I’m almost afraid right now. Am I craving coke? Yes, but I’m bigger than the craving right now. Ever see that show scared straight? Well that’s me now. There is zero chance I do any drugs unless they are prescribed, period.

[wmxx]

Justin wanted to ask me a lot about coke. He can’t believe how I could of used it since day 1 and he could never tell. He wanted to know how. I told him one reason was I was using it since the first time he ever met me all the way through now. I told him I had been doing coke since long before he met me. He said how did you do it when you moved in with me? I said most of the time he or I was working. I did lines all day at work with Amy. A few days with Mike. Saturday I did lines all day with Mike. When I came home I did them when you went out, when you went into the bathroom, or I went into the bathroom. My nails are long. If I had to I’d just scoop some out of the bag with my long nail pinkie and snort. All done in 15 seconds. He wanted to know how I acted normal. I laughed and said because coke was my normal. Really outside of Amy and Mike nobody knew I was doing coke. It’s very easy to hide. What you don’t realize is doing coke for me is completely normal. I feel really good, and it doesn’t effect me. I never over did it, I just used it. If I didn’t make that mistake with Jackie, I would have gone on forever doing coke and you would have never known.

[wmxx]

He asked me also how I can appear like I’m not high? I told him I have used it, not abused it for a long time. Typically I do smaller type lines, and never do more than what makes me feel good. He told me his perspective has changed on it, but still thinks it is dangerous. He asked me what happens when I’m not pregnant anymore? Am I going to go back to it? I said based on how I feel right now, yes, I would do a line right now, but being pregnant I will never do one. After 9 months, I don’t know. Somewhere along the line I will probably be in a situation where it is in front of me. I probably would do it, but maybe after 9 months, my whole thought process may have changed. He said at this point if you ever did go back to it, and I hope you truly don’t, please just don’t tell me, it just makes it harder. I said I will be a Mom then, so things might be different, but if I did, I promise I won’t tell you, and you will never know, but I won’t do anything crazy if that should be the case. I’m more worried about today and the next 8 or so months than after that. I just have to get through today and I will. We got here right around lunchtime. Appointment 8:15am tomorrow. I can tell Justin and Nicole are just as nervous.

[wmxx]

Justin really asking me a lot of questions about coke. How it makes me feel, why would I go back to it after pregnancy, how long does the feeling last between using it, what it feels like not having it, not sure what is going on. I think he is believing I will go right back to it. Seems almost like he is starting to accept it is his reality. I finally told him I probably will never use it again because if everything goes well I plan on breast feeding, and I would never do it if I was ever. So it is going to be 2 years or so without it. He asked if I thought about the fact it might not be his baby, what I would do. I said Nicole asked me the same. I said I think it could be Glenn’s. If it is I think I owe it to him and the baby to be with him instead of a broken home. She got upset and said broken home? That would be a broken home. You have a man right here that said he didn’t care, he would be a caring loving father. After I thought about it I realized she was right. Glenn could claim I do drugs and try to get custody, but I’m not doing them now, so I don’t think I’d have to worry. I just want to do what’s best for my baby, and I will. Nervous about tomorrow

[wmxx]

My pregnancy is confirmed. Everything seems to be ok. I am about 4 weeks pregnant. Justin asks if he could take a NIPP test I think it is called, a paternity test. He was told he could not take one until 7 or 8 weeks into the pregnancy. I can tell he is really really nervous about all this. I know him well enough that he isn’t so under control like usual. I have some blood work that will come back tomorrow, and I will be meeting with a nutritionist, once all my needs are established. I was advised to enter a rehab center, but I refused. I absolutely know I will not be doing coke no matter how much I need it . My wake up call has arrived. Despite all that has happened Justin vouched for me, basically said I know she won’t be doing any drugs. This is so embarrassing with all the disclosures I have to make, not knowing who the father is. I talk about Justin being nervous, I am nervous and scared. I’m far from out of the woods, there are a lot of additional risks I am facing in this pregnancy, and anything I can do, I’m doing. When the ultrasound confirmation came, I could tell Justin didn’t know what to do. How do you hug and kiss your wife knowing she may be having someone else’s baby? That is equally hard for me. I so want it to be Justin’s, I pray every day it is. I know he says it doesn’t matter, but reality can certainly change that. Nicole seems to be equally uncertain what to do or what to say. I know having to wait another month is going to eat away at Justin, and all of us for that matter. I’m really excited to be pregnant. Thinking I’m going to be a Mom really makes me happy.

[stupidme]

Hang in there, keep communicating, whatever you do don't stop talking to each other. depending on each other is how you will get through this. love each other, make sure none of the three of you are left out. keep it up, be encouraged I will do my best to be encouraging here on the forum. my email is gr8musiclarge@gmail.com if you want to email me

[ViralVixen]

Okay so obviously I haven't read every single post in this thread so I don't know exactly where the switch ocurred but in the earliest posts you were presenting yourself as a guy experimenting with feminization hypnosis and now you're claiming to be pregant. You do know that isn't physically possible, right?

Like, am I missing something here? Is this thread just some elaborate story and I missed the part where a switch in POV occurred?

[wmxx]

Hi Viralvixen. I guess for someone that hasn’t followed, this could be confusing. My husband Justin started this before we got married. So what you probably read were his comments way back at the beginning. I am Amber, and most of the recent posts have been by me. Hope that helps to clarify. I am 100% woman lol. I can see where your confusion comes from though:). Stupid me, thanks for the input. Heading back to the clinic soon, some additional tests and bloodwork. Have my fingers crossed.

[wmxx]

By all accounts everything appears well, a couple of tests need to come back. Met with a nutritionist and have recommended food to eat and how much. Doesn’t look too bad, I certainly can do it. We are heading home. Should be back in our house by 3-3:30, will feel good to be home. Seems like there is a lot of tension. Justin suggests a conversation and plan looking ahead. He definitely is stressed I can tell. Things between all of us for some reason seems fractured. I think we all need a diversion, I sure do!

[wmxx]

I kind of feel like there is resentment that I am pregnant. Maybe it is just me, but that’s how it feels. I hope that changes when we get home. I’m far from out of the woods, a lot could still go wrong. I am praying! It actually feels good that I’m going to me a Mom, something I have always wanted

[stupidme]

I wouldn't be surprised if it's still sinking in to everyone, make sure to voice your concerns, and ask them to voice theirs. you want to make sure all your lanes of communication stay open. I advise seeking out a counselor maybe for all three of you, they have studied how to relate to each other. I highly advice seeking counseling, it will help all of you I think if you have a professional to talk to and lend advice.

[wmxx]

I think I figured out what is going on. Nicole wasn’t really allowed to participate at all the last 2 days and Justin is giving all his attention to me. I think Nicole feels like a third wheel, and isn’t getting any attention at all. I sat next to her when we got home, and thanked her for coming with us, that it meant a lot. I started kissing her, and the next thing you know we were in the bedroom. After we had a good talk and I told her having her support, and being part of our family makes me really happy. I could see the change in her, almost immediately. When I got Justin alone, I shared with him, not to neglect Nicole, and he understood. Things seem much better now. I really do love Nicole being with us, she is really a nice person. I think I can learn from her now that my mind and body are getting clear again, although I definitely miss coke a lot, but I won’t go there period! My baby is depending on me, so there is zero chance. Justin and I made love, so we are becoming loving again, and we all need that. It has been a long 2 days. I’m exhausted.

[wmxx]

Today seems so much brighter than the past several days. Justin and I had a very good conversation. We let her know she is equal and her needs are always as important as our own. She is not an extra part, she is an equal and important part of the whole. We said this was never a goal of ours, in all the failures we had trying different things, this was never one of them, it just naturally occurred. Like pieces of a puzzle that need all the pieces to be complete. I still shake my head how all this just seemed to happen, but I am really glad it did! We all are. Sure, there are moments, anyone spending a lot of time together will have moments. The one thing I love most about Justin is how he deals with and never deviated from tough discussions with me sitting on his lap like we love each other. It so defuses anger. Nicole is part of that as well, even when I have a talk with Nicole we hug and talk. It is something I have learned to love, but at first I hated it. If I was mad I just wanted to be mad. This has changed so much of that. We all went shopping, and Justin made sure we got everything on my food list from the nutritionist. Justin and Nicole go to one tomorrow, and Monday we all meet with a physical trainer, one equipped with a track record for a pregnant woman. I hated running when Justin had us all doing that, but my mind is in a more focused different place now, and I’m so ready to be as healthy as I can possibly be for my baby. Yes, the coke urge comes and goes, but it has no chance anymore. My baby will always be first now, and in the end everyone around me will benefit as well. I’m loving life again in a much brighter way! Justin and Nicole even notice, I’m driven like never before, and I am.

[stupidme]

YAY! Keep it up!

[wmxx]

Thank you! No doubt we will now. Everything seems to be like it was which is really nice. I’m very excited, I just pray so much that everything goes right and Justin is the father. It would be so hard for him even though he won’t admit it. It would be hard for me too. We won’t be able to find out for 3-4 more weeks. I know Justin wants to know now, and me too. I’m a bit afraid to find out, that would be so hard. It could create problems, I hope not.

[wmxx]

We are all sleeping in the same bed now for awhile. We all seem to be re-bonding as everything starts to normalize again. We all seem to manage to get time alone with each other and it works. I wasn’t even going to mention this, but I will. When we were getting ready to fly, I emptied my handbag for s bigger one. Thankfully I did. I had all the leftover coke that Mike had given me that I was starting to stockpile. I put it in a coat pocket in my closet in case things went haywire getting my tests and checkups. I came home, never told Justin or Nicole and flushed all of it. That’s how I know I will never do it pregnant. I didn’t even hesitate, or think about it, there was 0 chance of me doing it. I’m going to be a good Mom, and Justin a good father, and Nicole will be a positive help too. I’m ready to love Justin and Nicole, and my baby the best way I know how. Do I want a boy or girl? I don’t really care, Just healthy. I will love him/her no matter what the sex is. I’m feeling all these thoughts and instincts that everything is going to be fine, I know it is.

[stupidme]

Seeing a counselor is still a very good idea, they can really help with bad situations, and getting to know them and learning to trust them while things are going ok is a good start. I highly recommend it

[wmxx]

Thanks again for the input. We are doing fine now, and talking a lot, and are all on the same page. Yesterday when I threw my coke out I started thinking back on how much I was doing. I used to wake up and into the bathroom for a line. Got to work and Amy had a line waiting for me, and did lines all the time at work. Leave for lunch and heat to Mike’s and do at least a couple of lines, always followed by sex. Sometimes I would stay the rest of the day. Saturday most of the time I was doing lines and having sex with Mike all day. Before I moved in with Justin, if I wasn’t getting together with him on Friday, Saturday, or Sunday, I was at Mikes all day until 10 or so at night doing lines and having sex. The only thing that mattered was sex and coke and I guess Mike. So crazy. I miss it for sure, but my mind and focus has changed in a huge way. Getting pregnant is probably the best thing that ever happened to me. Now I just pray it stays that way

[wmxx]

Things are so normal here it seems almost strange, but at the same time wonderful! Yesterday I decided I was getting a new phone and new number. I think for the first time Justin didn’t cringe that I was going out alone. He worries I am chasing coke, but I think he realizes how committed I am to my baby and he is right. I wanted to break ties with my old circle of friends, and guys I had sex with and did coke with. I had to keep 3 numbers, but not saved in my phone, but tucked away in my dresser drawer in case I had to reach them if Justin is not the father. If Justin is I will throw them away. That weighs heavy on my mind, and I know regardless of what he says to me the same for Justin. I’m for the first time in my life doing something on my own to break away from cocaine. Being pregnant is probably the only thing that can do that. Believe me I would love to be doing lines right now, but my resistance is extremely high right now, it won’t happen. I think the element of trust that Justin has for me increases daily. In a perfect world, Justin will be the father, and Nicole will continue being an important part of our lives, I really love her and so does Justin. I used to be extremely jealous of Justin, hated seeing women eyeball him, but somehow Nicole just doesn’t feel like any kind of threat. Probably because I am sleeping with her too, and Justin never makes me feel I should be jealous. Nicole is absolutely beautiful. I worry sometimes once My body starts changing if he is going to want to be with Nicole more. The changes in my body are going to make me feel so ugly. I am thankful Justin has me working with a nutritionist, and starting Monday a personal trainer. I am going to get myself in the best possible condition possible. That’s how I met Justin, only this time no coke. I’m going to have a rock hard belly again after my baby is born. Expecting to here from Mayo today regarding bloodwork and tests. A little nervous. Right now life is so good. My relationship with Justin is in a really beautiful place. My clear mind is allowing me to realize and feel how lucky I am to be married to him.

[wmxx]

Everything regarding my pregnancy looks good to this point! That was good news to hear. Still a long way to go, but I am committed to do all that I am responsible for right, including getting back to peak physical condition eating right and giving my baby every possible thing I can. A lot of womanly instincts are kicking in. I already picked the room the baby will eventually sleep in. It’s a long journey and I can’t wait until she/he is born. Justin says he is impartial but I think he wants daddy’s little girl to spoil:). I pray so many times a day that he is the father, it would make things so less complicated. The fact we even have to deal with this potential issue is because of me being high and careless, I was so fucked it, I think back now and wonder how Justin even stayed with me. I even asked him. He said when we got married we would always be married. I can see he really meant that, he told me that before we got married. I’m soooo lucky, almost any other man would have had other thoughts. Makes me cry what I did, he is too nice of a man for that. I have a lot to make up for and I will. He will have his princess back to stay. I know what he fell in love with, and that is who he will always have from now on. I love him so much, and we are thriving now, which is such a good feeling. Nicole told me when I first met you both I was in awe of what I witnessed, the love was contagious and it is back to being that way! It truly is the greatest feeling in the world.

[stupidme]

That is so good to hear, I will be praying for you and the baby, it takes work to keep relationships alive, but with all parties working to do it it makes things easier. Having Nichole there to share motherhood with, I hope will bless you both in many ways.

[wmxx]

Thank you stupidme all the thoughts and prayers can only help! I have a long way to go, but I am up to the challenge. I have my old mindset back. I got talking with Nicole last night after we had sex. She asked me when I knew Justin was the one? I said when I went on our first date, and I saw how confident he was, and how he planned out a date that was so thoughtful, and really shocked me in a very good way I realized he was different than any guy I ever dated. I don’t want to sound conceited or anything, but every guy I ever dated before him were so intimidated, and it just kind of made them all the same. Justin was just so different that way. I remember asking someone that knew him well, what he thought about him, probably after our 3rd date, and he told me Justin was a really grounded guy, that would be hard not to like. I was kind of already feeling that way, but that just convinced me this was “the guy”. When we had our first really meaningful kiss, that did it for me, he just had the “it” factor to go with the rest. What feels the best is right now. I’m not doing coke, I’m not sleeping with another guy, I just get to appreciate him in a whole different way, and my love for him is able to reflect that back to him, and I can see how happy he is. She told me Justin said to her one day, this is why I married her, this is why I never gave up on her, this woman we see now, is amazing! Kind of brought a tear to my eye. I told Nicole that she is so special, a true friend, not a drug friend. I told her if it wasn’t for her, me and Justin wouldn’t be where we are now, and that is the truth. The 3 of us have been in good places together, but nowhere near where we are right now, we are all feeling each other. It is hard to explain, but such a joy to live. We are all blessed and finally, I feel like I’m contributing in a positive way. I’m really where I belong. We all are.

[wmxx]

One of my concerns and topics with my OB-GYN was my boobs. After a Q/A she said the way mine were implanted should not be a breastfeeding issue. I asked if it would ruin them. She said it is hard to say. My weight gain amount, genetics, and things all come into play. I may experience some sagging after, which would really suck. The good news is if that happens, I can get a revision and finally have the DD/DDD I want, because the skin will have stretched. I’m hopeful in the end I am fit and have boobs like Nicole. I am so envious of her huge boobs, and Justin always told me that is too big, I see how much he loves them on Nicole, she has amazing huge boobs. I see how women and guys look at her. She isn’t afraid to flaunt them either. I know I will flaunt them when I get them. Nicole has this skinny waist so her boobs are so much bigger looking. That is one thing I’m jealous of, but I love touching and playing with them. The problem is after I do and then feel mine, it feels like my D cups are so tiny

[wmxx]

I’m sitting here thinking how much my reality has changed. If I wasn’t pregnant right now, I’d be living with Mike, waking up to him shooting me up, doing coke all afternoon, and getting all dolled up for a date as an escort. Wow! It is almost like their was some sort of guardian angel looking over me, or some form of divine intervention. I may be totally hooked on heroin right now, with no escape. Completely down hill. I really owe my life, literally, to my baby! My entire life would have been dedicated to drugs and sex. That is what drugs and sex do to your mind. When you are snared in that trap, you don’t even realize it. Nothing else matters.

[wmxx]

It is so nice here today so we have been in the pool all afternoon. Naked! Justin asked me if he got some beer would I be ok and not tempted to have any. I said sure. I know I won’t have any. So we are out at the pool and Justin goes inside and comes out with this huge naked Bloody Mary with all kinds of goodies in it, olives, an onion, 2 celery stalks, a couple lemon wedges, etc. I feel like I am part of the party. He makes them with Clamato juice....so yummy! Nicole and I were making out in the pool and Justin comes in and it was to say the least a great time. We have all been doing laps in the pool. Justin and Nicole are at one end so every lap I get a nice kiss from them both while they wait for me to go up and back they make out, then Justin goes, then Nicole. Exercise is fun at our house! I’m really getting into Nicole since I have been back and her me. We have become very close sexually and emotionally, for that matter we all have with each other. I actually get turned on now watching Justin and Nicole have sex.

[wmxx]

I had a horrible dream last night that Justin wasn’t the father, and I had to go over to Glenn’s and tell him he is probably the father. He started laughing with this evil laugh. He laughed and looked at me and said that means your moving back in with me or I will get the state involved and tell them your cocaine history, and they will take your baby away. All this with this evil grin and laugh. I said you will never get my baby ever! He laughed and said you have no chance. I will get custody and you will never see your baby again. I woke up in a panic! Couldn’t sleep much the rest of the night, it was awful. I could so see him trying to somehow blackmail me. I pray so hard this baby belongs to Justin. If not it is almost certainly Glenn’s and I don’t know what would happen. Why do dreams have to feel so real? That’s all I can think of now. Kind of threw a dampening into what has been such a great week. Justin said he believes Glenn will want nothing to do with it if it is his, but could try to make life miserable for me, because if it is his he will have access to me, and try to get me back on coke, and just make my life miserable. Justin said he would battle him in court with everything it took so don’t be concerned. I could tell the thought of all this has him concerned. I can tell he already thought of the possibility. Disturbing!

[wmxx]

This has to be resolved and still have 3-4 weeks to find out. I’m craving coke really bad today. I know I won’t do it, but the need suddenly has doubled. We need to all do something good today or at least I do. I probably shouldn’t of shared that with Justin as I’m sure it already weighs on his mind. Unfortunately, it is our reality right now, wait and see. I wish I didn’t think Glenn is the father, but it is a real possibility. I can’t imagine myself going over there and having to ask him to take a paternity test. If it isn’t Justin, the odds of it being Glenn are approaching certain. That would be a mess even if Glenn didn’t cause problems. Every time Justin sees the baby, it is just going to remind him of bad things. I think it will change our relationship and not in a good way. Glenn is unpredictable, but he is an opportunist, and I’m afraid he will see that as an opportunity to have me in some form or another for years to come. Need to change this narrative or I will drive myself crazy, and I don’t need to be stressed right now.

[stupidme]

I will repeat that going to a counselor together and individually is my best advice, I don't know how to deal with things like that, a professional counselor is, in my opinion the best place to go for this.
keep it up! stay communicating. keep loving each other all three of you

[wmxx]

The pool guy comes every Monday so me and Nicole decided to put on a show. We are naked to start with so we started making out on the pool deck while he was here. I couldn’t even tell you what his expression was because we got so into it we weren’t even thinking about him being here. When we finished he was already gone lol. I’m sure we gave him something to talk about. Justin hates when we do stuff like that, which makes us do it all the more:). I hope my boobs get naturally huge when breast feeding and stay that way. Nicole has amazing boobs, I’m always jealous. She is really thin so they look so freakin big, but they are so perfect. At the very least when all is said and done, that’s the first thing I’m doing is getting a revision and much bigger. Every time we are out I notice the attention she gets, women included. I feel inferior sometimes. Justin can say what he wants but I see the attention he gives to them. He gives it to me too but it is so obvious he loves her huge boobs, even though he said previously that would be too big for me, although he has kind of flipped on that after he has seen Nicole daily. I’m probably going to be really jealous of Nicole when I start gaining weight, I worry that Justin is not going to want sex with me just Nicole. Then at some point I won’t be having sex at all which sucks and he will be piling on Nicole all day and night. I worry she slowly replaces me. Too much to think about!

[wmxx]

It is probably a good thing that there is not much happening here. We are all doing great together, perhaps as good as ever. We are all training with a personal trainer, our diets are guided by a nutritionist, and we swim in the pool everyday. I think my relationship and love with Justin is at an all time high. Nicole is really an integral part and we love having her here. It is another great day for us all. I don’t even feel the need for coke today which is a good feeling.

[wmxx]

Justin gave us a nice surprise today. What he did for me at the animal rescue place where we lived before he did again. This time it is a similar one but instead of me, he had made a nice donation but in all 3 of our names on the plaque. I have thought about that day a lot wanting to see it and be there again, now there is one. It is just such a feel good. Nicole is now part of it. It’s a great feeling.

[wmxx]

Happiness is me, Justin, and Nicole:) Hope everyone has a day full of their own smiles.

[grover27]

excellent. Keep it up. Life is great and doesn't need chemicals or anything else to make it better. You are very lucky and living a dream life. Don't F it up again with drugs. And for what it's worth, there's nothing sexier than a pregnant woman. Own it and embrace it and Nicole will be wishing she was pregnant too. Justin clearly loves transformations and there is no better transformation than a woman changing from pregnancy. It's sexy as fuck. Enjoy the ride but always remember that you have a new tremendous responsibility and obligation to this child. He or she is now more important than your vices. Also remember, you can be an amazing mom and have an amazing fun life too. They are not mutually exclusive.

[wmxx]

Grover you sound like Justin. I am so worried Justin will migrate to Nicole and her perfect body when I start gaining weight. He said just the opposite, I will become irritable when I’m visibly pregnant. He said a pregnant woman is extremely sexy. Well I hope all that is true. Nicole told me not to worry about her and Justin. I get everything I need from him just as they are right now. That won’t change. She is very excited for me. She said she would give me everything I need in every way. I’m so lucky I am with two incredible people that I love so much. I’m feeling so much better. No coke, no alcohol, no cigarettes since I found out I am pregnant. It will stay that way, that is certain. I’m working out with a trainer, and I am sore! We all are. Soon we are all going to be in great physical condition. Even Nicole said this is really helping her, and not just physically. I am following my nutritional guidelines to the letter, Justin makes sure of that. Morning sickness is occasional now which I hate, but part of the process. By the time I’m ready to have my baby I will be in the best physical condition I ever have in my life. Everything I do now is for my baby. In some ways I feel like a Mom already, and I love it! Life is so good right now, we are all sharing our love like never before, this is becoming Camelot! It feels so good!

[wmxx]

Another great day for us. Training, eating well, plenty of sex, lots of loving going on. I don’t know if they will allow it but I want Nicole and Justin in the delivery room with me. Nicole said she would love to be there if she is allowed. I will have to see if that is ok. Getting some sun it was nicer today, been cold! Good cuddling weather though. This is the longest I have gone without coke in a long long time. I miss it, but I can feel the difference in my natural energy level, I am already feeling the benefits of eating right as well. Nicole told me I will look very sexy with a baby bump, although I don’t think I will. Time to do some of that cuddling, Justin is waiting for me.

[wmxx]

So sore from all the exercise and weight training. Today we all did our own individual workouts minus the trainer. Tomorrow a day off. We all went out to get Super Bowl goodies. We are all routing for the Bucs. I will give you one guess why? Lol. I’m not much of a football fan, but Justin is a big sports guy. Nicole likes football more than me, but we will all be watching. Justin had an idea that after Our 2 year vacation is over, in about a year and a half that we all find a business we can do at home, that we all can enjoy. Maybe even a physical building to retail something out of. Justin likes the idea of a high quality bakery. There are very few around here. He wants us all to think of what we’d like to do. Justin likes to get in front of things, and always does a lot of research so he is dealing from the right expectations and then works to exceed them. I like the idea of doing something fun! A bakery sounds interesting, or a little breakfast bistro. Nicole and I already said we could be the sexy little flirty waitresses and get nice tips:). Justin just shook his head. Sometimes he is too conservative and me and Nicole always think sexy thoughts:))! Lots to think about. I think Nicole and I would keep them coming back. Justin wants a healthy version of a bakery with unique choices as well as “sinful” choices as he described. Sounds interesting. One thing I noticed is we are all getting even a deeper loving connection with each other. Sometimes I feel like Nicole and Justin are as close to each other than me and Justin. Same with me and Nicole. I’m not jealous either, it is really awesome!