Reflections After Transition

[diabolusdxm]

Hi out there! I've never posted on here before, but these forums could be so fun to read. I thought I'd contribute. I'm a proud 29y/o transwoman. I transitioned about 7 months ago after being in denial for ~15 years. Though I say I was in denial, that was only denying the eventual truth that I was always meant to be a woman and that I have to transition to truly be happy. I was already fairly open about being what I considered to be a transvestite. I loved sissy and cuckold fantasies, and was desperate for someone to help me/force me to be more female. I was so afraid of doing it myself.

Someone suggested hypno to me a couple years ago. Since I was already "dressing up" very often and (at the time) really looking to become "passable" and easily present as either gender, I tried to avoid files that were heavily based around permanently changing my body and such. I downloaded every chastity belt file I could find, and things like TrainCrossdressSex. The "Chastity Cage" file from EMG was a nice one for me. I managed to go 3 months in chastity with help from it. It was utterly delightful!

Eventually, I moved on to heavier files. I decided any permanent effects would really not be bad for my lifestyle at the time. And I knew my subconscious would want anything that it bestowed upon me. I listened to StrokeSissy a few times. That one didn't speak to me as much since I didn't like touching my penis anyways and preferred to lock it in a CB6000. And I didn't think I wanted permanent change, but I thought I'd risk listening to the "StrokeFem" file. I started listening to it a lot, and even in my sleep. I liked it because I couldn't tell much of what was in it, and finally just gave in to let my subconscious sort it out.

The most effective files to me seemed to be the Little Miss Squidgy files. MsJ is very talented at making the files irresistable. I liked them so much that I was afraid of them. I kept all the Squidgy files in a separate folder, but I kept them on my HDD because I liked them so much even though I was scared shitless by them! Occasionally, I'd give a listen and feel guilty/scared over it. I can still hear that voice in my head saying, "Hello, Princess!" Someone, get that voice out of my head! :-D (actually, she can stay lol)

I don't know what impact any of this had on my psyche. I have a very analytical mind and only made my own file with better inductions for analytical minds with "safer" files that weren't really feminizing. But I did listen to StrokeFem a lot and the Squidgy files definitely got into my head regardless of listening to them only occasionally.

Now that I think about it, one interesting point to note is that I had a flashy feminine name during my years in denial. When I listened to "StrokeSissy", I didn't answer with the name I went by when "dressed up." I answered instead with the name of a first crush from middle school, that was also a name I went by online when experimenting with pretending to be a woman when I first got online (also around the time of middle school.) When I transitioned, I used that name. It had stuck with me in the back of my mind all those years. I already kind of identified with it, and it sounded more practical: Less flashy, less drag-queen/stripper. That's a very interesting connection to my new life and my time listening to hypno files.

I was realizing more and more through the years that I was happier when I saw myself as a woman. The chastity really helped me distinguish how differently I felt about my own sex organs than men. I was even toying with the idea of buying a 3-month supply of hormones overseas to "try and see if I like them" shortly before I came out of denial. The tide was rising. Then one day last October, I was talking with another trans woman about my past and when the part came up where I normally tell someone about how I "became more comfortable being a man." I realized at that moment that I wasn't more comfortable with who I was, I just felt safer. And boom, denial was stripped away almost instantly. There I was reconnecting with the adolescent I used to be, who cried themselves to sleep because they were "born wrong." Right there, I realized that while my pre-denial self could not have afforded treatment, and would not have acceptance in my social life, that the grown-up me would totally have what she needed!

I went through "the system" and got hormones from an actual doctor. It's much safer this way and my results could not have been quicker! I looked "pretty" in femme before hormones, but still obviously male. But on hormones, I was a full-time woman in about 3 months. And now I couldn't be happier! I have a ton of supportive friends, my work is supportive and I will soon start working in a female presentation. I am close to legally changing my name (Yes, to the one I said in StrokeSissy lol) and I love how I look now! I'm 6'1" and have big feet. I barely ever tuck (really just in tight dresses) and yet I have no problem being read as female everywhere I go! I gotta say it was super scary at first but then went way better than I could have imagined.

I have no illusions that this was what my subconscious wanted all along. I didn't transition because of the files. I didn't choose the name because of StrokeSissy. Instead, I found the files because I wanted to transition. I chose the name because I identified with the name long before I listened to any file. It can be so hard to admit these things to yourself, in the face of so much fear. But I can tell you from experience that in the end, facing the fear and becoming true to yourself is the best way to live. I am SO much happier now! I didn't even know all the ways that gender dysphoria wrecked my life until I started to fix it.

I started listening to hypno files around March of 2011. I came out of denial and started my transition in October of 2012. Got to start hormones in January of 2013. I wasn't even putting the time into hypno that I thought it would take to have results: And maybe I never did have results. But the subconscious need to transition led me to erotic self-hypnosis, and I was able to meet that need regardless of how I actually managed to get there.

Maybe someone out there will read this and it will give them hope that they can pull out of the misery of being born in the wrong body before it's too late. Consciously, you may think transition isn't for you. But keep listening to the files. Let your subconscious win! You'll be happier in the end.

To all you awesome hypno file authors: I would kindly suggest adding suggestions to feminization files that directly speak to coming out of denial. Things like "Recognize you were meant to be female." "You always wanted to be a woman." "You are strong enough to transition. You will be happier once you transition." Etc.

The thing about denial is that you don't realize you're in it. But adding these sorts of suggestions to files that are about feminizing someone will probably reach the right audience. I suspect a lot of people who listen to feminization files are transwomen in denial. I have a feeling a lot of "crossdressers" in general are actually full-time women in denial. This wording might increase the effectiveness of the files. I wouldn't be surprised if some people already did this. If you put this sort of thing in your files and I listened to them, THANK YOU!

[iamli3]

wow surprised a story that much explained doesn't have any of the generic good for you posts that are usually seen in other such posts yet.....