Looking to understand the dominant mindset - help please.

[Nate80]

Hi all,

Sorry it's a bit long, trying to provide as much info as possible.

long time listener, first time caller to the world of hypnosis (studying more towards the therapeutic side than fetish for several years). I've been having a go with email slave (captive audience as it were), to varying degrees of success, but I seem to be falling down on one key are - dominance.

Personally, I'm more submissive, but seem to be finding my kink is helping others explore theirs. My experience with hypno so far has given me a good grounding in how to frame a suggestion etc, and I understand or figure out how to get someone from A to B for the most part, technique wise. I'm now developing my understanding of the various subcultures - my successes have had some pretty good results so far.

But where I'm falling down is with the submissives who advertise as wanting to be controlled and dominated. I understand (some of?) the theory, regarding dominating someone, but whenever I work with another sub, I either come on too strong and a jerk, or too weak and not taken seriously. Both of which usually cutting short our interactions, with little helpful feed back. (they lose interest and usually just stop responding)

So, after all that, while I know I can go find a dominant mp3, I don't want a permanent change. I like being able to change between various roles as needed, but I just have no idea how to be dominant :(.
Have beat off to more than one fantasy of being dominated but it's like I seem to know but not understand some key detail on being dominant.

I understand the vague theory, but I'm evidently missing something and would like to know from more experienced Masters and Mistresses what would they consider key principles / behaviours / attitudes / tricks of the trade to include.

My current understanding includes (not everything):
confidence, "me first"(but also unwritten is their welfare / development is actually #1), structure, consistency, authorative disposition (I think part of my problem is here), strict / forgiving (80/20), reward and punish in equal measure, understanding of sub's emotional needs (not wants, this may be a problem, but mainly due to lack of experience), there's other bits but can't think of them just now.

I know the dom is suppose to take charge of the situation, but I seem to fall short on this one. I think it's the initial rapport stages I'm failing at. I try going in with say a tough approach, only to find they need an initial softly softly approach, and visa versa. unfortunately changing disrupts the rapport and not changing kills the interaction.

Any tips on getting the ball rolling / building a dominant relationship would also be appreciated.

Thanks in advance.

[Endo]

Just keep working at it. Experience is the best teacher, and as you build your own style, you may find that you attract certain types of subs or certain subjects. This might sound weird, but it's like porn. All the doms in (BDSM) porn really like doing certain things to their subs, and they attract subs who know what the doms do, and want to experience it. Who knows? Maybe you find you really like hypnotizing people to imagine giant pink tentacle monsters with cat faces that bark as they rape the user.

[sfhole2stretch]

Speaking as a sub, I'd say you've got a pretty good grasp already. I'm not quite sure what question is being asked.

Regarding coming on too strong/jerk vs too empathetic and soft, I think it's a matter of degrees and familiarity. In the beginning it can be beneficial to show empathy to gain trust. As trust is gained however it becomes more and more important for the slave to feel objectified. Once the mind is able to lose fear of harm the need to be treated more as an object and manipulated takes over and needs to be nurtured through dominance. Encountering a Dom jerk from the onset is off-putting. Finding oneself addicted to a Dom manipulative jerk after a few sessions is a complete turn on.

Hope that helps. Feel free to pm me if you'd like to discuss further.

[Nate80]

Just keep working at it. Experience is the best teacher, and as you build your own style, you may find that you attract certain types of subs or certain subjects. This might sound weird, but it's like porn. All the doms in (BDSM) porn really like doing certain things to their subs, and they attract subs who know what the doms do, and want to experience it. Who knows? Maybe you find you really like hypnotizing people to imagine giant pink tentacle monsters with cat faces that bark as they rape the user.

Hi Endo,

Thanks for the encouragement. :) Much appreciated.

I know what you mean about finding your kink :). I already know that all though I'll try the challenge some time, I'm a gay male and women (and thus most of the feminine sexuality) probably wont figure much in my activities, beyond expanding my knowledge / understanding of the lifestyle / kink etc.
But dom'ing is something I'd like to explore, I just seem to flounder :/ and the poor / lack of feed back doesn't help :( (trying not to whine)

Re the tentacle rape monster - one of my successes so far has been crafting dreams for some people (very well received :), but admittedly I use email slave hypnofiles as the "induction" :)) I've probably got my hands full at the moment, but if you're interested, check back with me in a few weeks. You might need to supply some details / source / reference material so I know what I'm writing about, but should be able to knock something satisfactory up for you ... uh, I mean other people ;p

[sfhole2stretch]

A suggestion. Look up the files by Muttley here on WMM. He recorded "Asserting Yourself as Dominant" and another designed to increase a Dom attitude. I used these on one of my Dom friends and it certainly worked.

[Nate80]

Speaking as a sub, I'd say you've got a pretty good grasp already. I'm not quite sure what question is being asked.

Regarding coming on too strong/jerk vs too empathetic and soft, I think it's a matter of degrees and familiarity. In the beginning it can be beneficial to show empathy to gain trust. As trust is gained however it becomes more and more important for the slave to feel objectified. Once the mind is able to lose fear of harm the need to be treated more as an object and manipulated takes over and needs to be nurtured through dominance. Encountering a Dom jerk from the onset is off-putting. Finding oneself addicted to a Dom manipulative jerk after a few sessions is a complete turn on.

Hope that helps. Feel free to pm me if you'd like to discuss further.

Ah. A dim bulb brightens.

I think where I was seeing "control me completely" etc lines, I was discounting any and all forms of soft approach, so when challenged, I flip to my more normal disposition and over compensate, destabilising the initial rapport. Hmm.

For someone who didn't understand the question, you gave a pretty good / helpful answer, thanks. :p

Re the audios, thanks, will head over and have a look. I've avoided the audios before because I wasn't looking for a more permanent nature change, but they may have something context specific. If not I suppose I could always try my hand at making one :p

Will see how I get on now, but may still pm - if only to socialise :)