by childlike » January 7th, 2019, 4:58 pm
Great to see a post from you WOH. You always get me thinking.
As I said in previous posts, I have wet the bed my whole life – both intentionally and accidentally. As a teenager and young adult I liked wetting and wanted to wear diapers and wet all the time. I also hated myself and feared that someone would find out. I wanted to be normal and really struggled with that conflict. Still I fantasized about being in diapers and wetting my pants night and day. Sometime after I was out of college I got the courage to actually go to a drugstore and buy depend diapers. That was before I found that I could order cases of diapers online. I wore them in secret and eventually got used to wearing them regularly at night. I started to accept that my fetish was actually very practical, at least it was at night. But intense shame and fear of discovery was strong so I didn’t wear day diapers all the time.
Now many years later, I (happily) wet my diapers constantly throughout the night and wear them all day, every day without exception. I wet in virtually all situations day and night, often without much thought and only use the toilet for pooping (most of the time). I have believed that I could control it and wanted so badly to lose that control.
I told my doctor and urologist the truth that I have wet the bed all my life and that I have tried all the remedies (medicine and alarms), then finally just accepted it and chose to wear diapers at night. I didn’t say I like them or that I wear them all the time. At that time I wore (Big Boy) underwear to the exam and did not wet my pants. I told the urologist that I also wear diapers when traveling. When asked if I have trouble holding my urine when awake, I said it’s starting to get harder. That was a half-truth. I could hold it but I did in fact feel the urge more and more frequently. I guess I implied that I had had a few accidents. The urologist said that that is typical with life-long bedwetters. At around 50 years, he said “guys like you start to pay the piper. It’s likely to get worse”. I didn’t tell him that that was music to my ears. It was clear to me and to him that I have OAB. (Adult bedwetting is caused by a combination of OAB and deep sleep).
I don’t advocate lying to doctors. They are trying to look out for warning signs of serious conditions, and they need certain information to do that. But I am comfortable that I was honest enough about my physical condition and only omitted aspects of my thoughts and desires. I think I have a right to divulge those as I see fit.
I have since decided and/or come to realize that I am in fact incontinent.
Incontinent you ask? Wasn’t I the one who was asking for hypnosis to help me finally actually be incontinent? Why yes, that was me. While I do in fact still have some control, I don’t feel I can safely trust that I won’t wet my pants without a diaper on. And I will definitely wet my pants if I am asleep. I am still pretty sure that I can keep dry as long as I am awake and focused on not wetting. I can hold it then. But I can’t bring myself to leave the house without a diaper on because I am afraid I will get distracted and wet without much thought. I think that constitutes some form of incontinence, even if not complete loss of control all the time.
It dawned on me that I am the story I tell myself and believe. We all are that. In WOH’s file Diaper Changing Time it says. “Every diaper tells a story… It is wet, and it is your (my) diaper”. That file reinforces the idea that if my diaper is wet time and time again, and I don’t remember every time I wet, I must be wetting uncontrollably.
My history – my story includes one wet diaper after another. Because of that I can only conclude that I am incontinent! Everyone reading this has a different story, but at some level, if you are at the stage of wanting to be completely incontinent, you probably already have many wet diapers that help tell your story.
How would (is) life different being incontinent?
1. I still keep my diaper attraction mostly a secret, though my wife knows I like to be a toddler (and thinks I’m ADORABLE). She is the only one who knows that side of me.
2. I clearly don’t have a shy bladder. Lucky me I guess.
3. I have an explanation that I and a select few can accept. I wear diapers so I don’t wet my pants. Nobody needs to know. And if they do find out, they can accept (or not) the obvious explanation that I have a bladder control problem. What’s it to you?
Any of these explanations would have been very difficult for me to deal with as a teenager or young adult, but in my early 50s, for the first time, I’m OK with it. It is truly liberating. Now my desire is to increase the knowledge that I cannot keep from wetting my pants. I still want more proof. It will probably involve an embarrassing experience or two, but I know I can deal with and explain it if necessary. Obviously I am talking about undeniably wetting my pants. I know that requires testing that out while not wearing a diaper. How else can I know? I am still holding out hope that there is a hypnotic suggestion out there that can help me over that hurdle.
Too unrealistic of a fantasy? Or is it a possibility? Why else would any of us be on this forum if we didn’t think our fantasies could be helped by hypnosis?