I need some help

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I text Glenn before he left for work. I told him I had the best surprise for him ever:). He text back, please tell me, I hate surprises. I text back I was going to wait to tell you when we were making love today, I’m getting wet just thinking about this. When you come back We will be living together for 6 weeks!!!!!!! He text back. Are you fucking shitting me???? That will be like a dream!!! I love you so much!!!! I text back I love you so much. We will finally be together full time!!!! I know you told me not to ask you this but if we live together that long, don’t you think you will want to stay together? I said let’s not go there, I know your excited, so am I. Maybe if everything goes right it could be longer, let’s just start from there, and not get too far ahead ok. He typed back can’t wait to see you. This will make it a little easier going away knowing when I come back You will be all mine. I know, I feel the same way!!! I love you so much!!!! I love you more!!! He had to leave for work. Wow Justin is getting hard, I’m getting wet, and as Justin said the time I am with him is going to be explosive. So is my time with Glenn. This is amazing! And no hypno!

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I’m so wet now. Justin said you are finally embracing this aren’t you? I said yes. We will each have each other all the time, even when we are with our other partners, all week while they work making love over and over. Then we will be together for as long as we want seeing our other partners on the weekend for a couple of nights, or maybe we go somewhere and just me and you time all the time. When we feel like we need our other partner we live with them for a week to keep those relationships strong, and we are going to be so happy with each other and for each other. We will have no more fears of losing each other, our sexual freedom will be amazing. He just looked at me and gave me this big kiss. He said all this comes down to nurturing our own relationship first and foremost and we are both going to be full of new relationship energy, so it will be very important. I know you and Glenn are extremely excited to be together to experience that, but don’t focus on 6 weeks, 10 weeks, focus on balance. You will get many opportunities to live with Glenn as you need. Don’t try to soak up so much in one big gulp, that might not be a good thing. Glenn is right, but for the wrong reason. If you live with Glenn for 6 weeks, you are going to want to make it 7. Thinking this is my only chance to live with him. It won’t be. You will be able to live with him as needed, dont try and suck it all in with one breath. I actually didn’t see it that way. I was looking at this as our one time to finally live together. I understand it makes sense. Justin and I have to remain 1st or this whole thing could blow up in our face. I also know that I want him deeply in love with Nicole now, without that, this is pretty much not happening. Our own desires are linked to the happiness of our secondary partners, and specifically to me and Justin’s even deeper love. There is a lot to balance, we have to get it right.

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Justin suggested, I know you want to be with Glenn and 6 weeks sounds so nice to you two right now. Why don’t we start with 1 week, so we can keep things fine tuned and make adjustments as needed. If everything is ok a second week will be a no brainer, and just go week to week. I agreed. We are knew to this, and I tend to get very excited. We have no more restrictions like this, I can see Glenn whenever I want, spend the night with him whenever I want:) I’m so wet right now and Justin is hard talking about this. I think it’s time for sex again. I love Justin so much.

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So Justin asked me a question. If I could live with Glenn for as long as I wanted how long would that be? I said OMG, I never really thought of that. I would say it would depend on a lot of things, mostly how my relationship was with Justin, and also how strong my love with Glenn was. I don’t really know. If Justin and I were seeing each other Monday-Friday all the time, and Justin and I somehow were locked into the new relationship energy from seeing each other that way, and my love for Glenn is like it is now or better, I would stay with him as long as possible. I’m not sure how long that is. If it wasn’t like that, not long at all.

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I think Justin has the right approach, 1 week at a time. Time limits aren’t important, our relationship is. If that calls for 1 week or 30 weeks that’s what it will be. I think we are both on the same page with that. Am I excited I’m going to get to live with Glenn? OMG, yes! Especially after not seeing him for so long. I have a feeling maybe just my hope, that I will be living with him for quite awhile:). We have both talked about finally experiencing that for so long. We are finally having that, and we both need that so much! In a perfect world, it will be a longtime like the 6 weeks and hopefully more, but just having 1 week is awesome. I could see a scenario where it becomes long:). We never have had a chance to be a couple, now we will.

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I want to clarify something sometimes my excitement is so strong I write with it. I will be living with Justin a lot more than Glenn, just not in the beginning if everything goes well, only if everything goes well. I love Glenn a lot. No secret there. We had a glimpse of living together and it was the deepest point of our love. I have talked to Glenn since then about how it would be if we had a chance to do it again, and bring our love back to that. So at first, yes, I’m extremely excited I am moving in with Glenn. Do I want it to last more than a week? Of course. The difference is when I live with Glenn, I see Justin all day 5 days a week. When I live with Justin I see Glenn from Friday after work to Sunday morning less than 48 hrs. And just 1 full day, Saturday. Seeing Justin 5 days makes living with Glenn capable of being much longer. Will I try initially to make it last this first time with Glenn? Of course, we have wanted this time together since we experienced it before.

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I totally agree with Ambers feelings. Initially I want her to be extremely happy and know I’m happy for her. I know how much it means to her to live with Glenn. I trust her and us. I asked her if she would let Glenn sleep with Nicole? She said no way! Then I asked her why she would let me sleep with her and fall in love and live with her? She said because I love and trust you. The whole point of my question was to get her to see what we have is so unique. I wouldn’t let Nicole sleep with Glenn either. That’s the difference. I’m confident in our love and trust so she can live with Glenn as long as she needs, but first and foremost our love and trust for each other has to constantly be worked on no lies, the truth when it is hard to tell.

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There is a hidden side to all this. Do you know how it makes me feel about Justin? He is telling me he loves me so much and trusts me so much and he knows how important it is for me to have a chance to live with Glenn, knowing how in love with him and he trusts me. That means so much to me.

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She is getting ready to go have sex. She is right. She has had sex or made love to Glenn I’m sure over 100 times. As soon as she walks in the door she is on my lap kissing me. I trust her completely. I love that she is experiencing this. Is there anyone poly reading here? Only they would understand. I want her to experience living with Glenn.

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I also want to experience living with Nicole.

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I’m really glad that not only is Amber embracing this she understands how all of it works. It has tabled a lot of her jealousy. I think after I’m with Nicole for 5 days and rush into her arms she will feel much more secure. One reason I want her to live with Glenn, and I’m like her on this, for as long as possible, the more she will embrace this. I think a good 6 weeks with him, would really have her loving this. I know how much she loves him, she needs this. I will then be very close to Nicole and she will be much more receptive to it the longer she goes without seeing it. So the longer she is with Glenn the less likely she is to get jealous of Nicole. I want to have that conversation with her so she understands the longer she stays with Glenn the longer she doesn’t have to deal with the emotions of me with Nicole. By then, it won’t even matter to her anymore.

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Wow, I read what Justin wrote. His instincts are good, he knows I’m going to get jealous to a large degree. He sat down with me after I came back from Glenn’s. He said I’m taking a huggge leap of faith. I really really trust you. I want you to hear all of me before you jump to a conclusion because you have to hear it all. I was getting nervous. I was sitting snuggled up to him and he said something to this effect. I realize how much you love Glenn. I also realize I have become immune to that, I’m fine with it, I totally am. In a few days, my feelings for Nicole are going to soar. I know that is going to be hurtful, because it is all brand new to you. So I want you to be able to not have to deal with it this early on. I want you to live with Glenn as long as you can. The longer you live with Glenn you will realize after many weeks I have been with Nicole, and I will 100% want to be with you forever! You are going to decide be it 1 week, or 6 weeks, or however many weeks you will live with Glenn. I won’t ask you is it time yet? The risk is the longer you live with him, the harder it will be to stop. He teared up a little. I know I could lose you. I just have to trust you. If it comes to that I don’t even want to know. It will tear me apart. I will know by how you are with me. I don’t want to ever feel your pain, so this will ensure that. I started crying. I said wow. Please understand something. I could live with him any length of time, and I would end up with you 100% of the time. Yes, I am deeply involved with Glenn, but he could never be you and what we have. I fell in love for real, when all that hypno stuff was going on. I was a train wreck. He nurtured me through it, he gave me the love I needed, and when I moved in with him he took a day off from work to make sure I was ok. It really bonded us. We talk about just 1 time having that moment together. Moving in with him is not and will not ever be permanent. As sure as you are that you will be with me forever, I’m sure I will be with you forever. I really have something to prove now. I will go forward as planned, and when I come back, you will never doubt my love or trust and commitment to you again. Yes, it will help me and I appreciate your thoughtfulness, and I will do that because it is good for me. It also will show you I am fully forever committed to you! We took 20 minutes to hold each other. He will let me decide how long I live with Glenn and I have no idea right now how long that will be, probably pretty long.

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I just changed my mind about moving in with Glenn. I will but it has to be different. I just realized I would see Justin Monday- Friday, but because it is just until Glenn gets home from work, I realized I will never wake up with Justin next to me. I can’t do that. I need that feeling from him. Our early morning making love and kisses and holding each other. It will never work for me. I told Justin instead of the way it is set up, I need the 5 days during the week and Fri-Saturday nights with Justin. I want to move in with Glenn but this is much more doable. I will be with Justin at least some everyday! Honestly, I want to live with Glenn at least 6 weeks, but I have a feeling after 1 or 2 weeks, I will have to be with him.

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Justin said as long as we have those nights together which are important he suggested I should live with Glenn longer or my jealousy over Nicole will be an ongoing issue. He may be right. I told him he has nothing to worry about no matter how long I live with Glenn. I want that so much so I’m glad it is up to me now. If I can make 6 weeks, he is right it will be hard to stop, so if it is at least 6 weeks, I’m sure he is right, it will be a lot more, which ultimately is what Glenn and I want. I have to text him:). What we planned is actually going to happen now, since it is up to me we will get more time than we had planned. I will still see Justin every day, so I will stay with Glenn as long as possible:) I’m so glad Justin understands.

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I had to email Glenn. I started by saying hi sweetness! I love you so much! Remember what we talked about at lunch, what you asked to make happen?

Hi love! I love you, do you mean about us being together finally?

I said, yes. Well, it is happening:)!!!!

No way are you serious???

I said yes I’m finally all yours starting when you come home!

How did you do that?

Well let me just say this, it is up to me how long I live with you now:)))

Oh my God! Finally. So we are going to be together from now on????

Well, read between the lines:)))..we will talk about it tomorrow and I’ll answer that question when we are making love, I think you will love my answer:))). I love you so much!!!

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I just told Justin I needed to go over Glenn’s for about an hour. I need to talk to him about this new arrangement. I told him I would give him an answer, so I really need to see him. Now I can deliver it privately making love to him:))))

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She is so full of NRE right now. I had text Nicole earlier and said if you will have me we will be living together for what I think will be a very long time. I want to be in a totally committed relationship with you if you will have me? She said, if I will have you? You can have me forever if you want. I want to have some real quality time with you the 5 days we are together, I want to make you feel like your my girl! I want to be your girl, I have since I met you. Perfect! You will be hearing 3 special words from me this weekend. I think you can guess? OMG you will totally melt me. If you really feel that, can we make love right when you say that, if you do. I will do better, I will say it as I make love to you. You are so sexy and sweet I just want to wrap around you for 5 days. I would wrap around you the same way. Your turning me on. Ok I better go before I get too horny here.

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Glenn is blowing up my phone. I asked him wasn’t that a nice little treat?

Yes!! I can’t believe you surprised me like that, but the bigger surprise was what you told me when we made love, we are finally together, no interference.

Yes! We are, didn’t I tell you just give me time?

You did now you are all mine! I love you so much!

I love you so much!

What a way to start the New Year walking in your arms and never having to let go!

It is going to be nice now that we are together, it is all up to me now:)..and you know what I told you:)

Yes, that we will always be together now!!

Yes we will, I told you it would happen:)))

I know you always told me everyday that soon we would be together, and you were right!

Because I knew our love would win out in the end:))

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I think our little secret is out. I am going to use this chance to finally be with Glenn, I never hid my love for him. It is up to me now, so I will be with him a long time, or until me and Justin hit a bump

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The secret I have with Glenn is I gave him a date and promised at the very least that is how long we will live together. A hint: he was extremely happy:))) So am I. . He is happy so you know it is more than a little while. If everything is perfect, I would commit to a 2nd date. And I’m not saying anything about that date, but we made love while I told him:)). Justin doesn’t want to know so it is a secret between me and Glen.

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I hope I’m wrong, but I think I know where this is heading. It will be a tragic turn of events for sure! It just seems all the NRE is turning our focus in the wrong direction, and I think it is probably to late to fix it. Sad days ahead for me and Amber.

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This is one of the warning areas for all this. I see nothing but red flags ahead, I’m equally responsible. I think a lot of this could of been stopped a long time ago, but I was too guilty of being responsible, and in the end we will both suffer the consequences. What is my gut feeling? Amber will end up with Glenn and I will end up with Nicole. Then something will happen to wake us up, but too much damage will have been done. She wants to talk the truth then I have to as well. She is in up to her eyeballs with Glenn. She is so smitten she has forgotten everything over the last 9 months and is quickly pissing it away. I have seen the dark side of that guy, I guarantee you it won’t be the last, once she is under the same roof as her, he will control everything. He has never had a girlfriend in his life, he will destroy her, and When she comes calling I won’t be there because she betrayed me. I will end up with Nicole. She has potential. Could I tell you at this point how far we will go? No. I will help her no matter what happens with us. She will have a car a real apartment and be able to get pregnant if it is possible and she wants that. As far as me and Amber goes, we ruined something great by doing this. She has run wild with all this stuff. I love her so much, but she fucks Glenn as much as me now, twice today in a space of 5 hours. I gave her a lot of rope, and basically she took all of it. I’m not blameless here, I have equally contributed to our demise. By shortly after New Year she will know she made a huge mistake, but it will be too late, I will no longer have interest in her. She will end up back on drugs, or back in her shop at some capacity. I will explore Nicole, if we really fit together, I will move away somewhere with her to rid myself of the scene of a love story gone bad. Perhaps we can salvage this before it is too late. We had a ridiculously incredible love, the type anyone would give anything they had for it. I will always love her, she made me feel things that I never felt before. I will give her any financial assistance she needs to live a great life. I should be sad right now, but I can still smile because she gave me so much of her. I just feel like I lost, and it doesn’t feel good. Maybe she will read this and the fog will clear, but I’m just not so sure she is in my future anymore. I’ll take the blame, I’m cool with that.

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She is going to wonder why I told her to live with Glenn as long as she wanted to, well I just got tired of competing. I never knew it would come to that. If I have to compete for my own girl, I have the wrong girl, pretty simple. We are likely done. Glenn won, congrats, we lost - sad!

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I just read this NOOOOOOO!

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I totally fucked up again. Sometimes I get too excited with sexual things like this. You think things are rolling along and suddenly someone gives you a jolt of reality. After I read what Justin wrote I all but fell into shock. He basically told me how disappointed in me he was, and I asked him to tell me why. He said I’m breaking too many rules. I asked him what rules did I break, because I wasn’t aware of any. He said to start with when we set our boundaries one was not to talk about in your case me in terms of moving in and for how long and leaving me. Reading your texts last night seems like that dominated your conversations with Glenn. Second, we had an arrangement of Fri-Sunday at noon with our secondary partners. Last week how many other times did you have sex with Glenn? I said every day. This week? Everyday and twice yesterday. The whole point is to protect your primary relationship, is that how you protect it? How many times have I seen Nicole outside of when it is ok? None. Not to take it for granted but how many times did you make us lunch this week and sit down with me and had lunch? None. Why? Because I was meeting Glenn every day. Last night approaching dinner time it was so important for you to go have sex and talk to Glenn, guess what? I made my own dinner and ate it alone. Is that protecting our relationship? When is the last day you didn’t have sex with Glenn? I really don’t remember. That’s because it is every single day. He said I’m not going to compete for my own woman, because she is turning our relationship into Glenn at the top. Truly, without realizing it because you have been so overcome with Glenn, and even if you can’t admit it, you have chosen Glenn over me. I was crying pretty much with every word he spoke, because it is all true, except for the last part, I would never choose Glenn over Justin in a million years. However, he is right. I got way too caught up in this new lifestyle, and it allowed Glenn to play a much bigger role and like a new box of candy I completely got lost in it. I broke many rules, he is right about that, because I just wasn’t thinking about them. He doesn’t trust me at all right now. I can’t say that is unjustified, by my actions. He told me he never doubted me before ever, and now he feels I would betray him unconsciously like now, and break rules. He said their are a lot of things a relationship can survive, but none can survive a lack of trust. Right now I no longer have it from you. I pleaded with him and asked him what he needs to see and feel from me so things can be fixed? He said he is really hurting right now, because he never thought he’d ever have to worry about trusting me, and he is too hurt to think about that right now. I crushed the man that means the most to me. I feel like this is it between me and Justin and I’m so scared right now. He drilled into my head since the 1st day I met him. If you earn my trust I will be with you forever. If you break it, there will be a painful good-bye. I’m not sure when he will be getting up but I will do anything for him, this whole situation is the reason. Today I want to explain to him how hard it was for me when he was doing hypno. He did and said irrational things. I’m doing and saying irrational things with this lifestyle. None of it is who I really am just like none of what Justin was doing or saying was who he was. He has to understand I love him and he can always trust me. I’m feeling so desperate right now. My whole life is Justin, I love him so much. I wish I could plug my brain into his head so he could know and see and feel that is 100% true, he is my life. I’m crying out of control right now, can hardly see these buttons. I have to go.

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I just walked out and Amber is crashed on the couch and whimpering in her sleep. I read what she wrote. What I told her is this is supposed to be a special gift to each other, enjoying sex and happiness outside the primary relationship. I told her what it has felt like to me is she has made me her secondary relationship. She sees Glenn every single day, advancing to twice yesterday. Our relationship is changing eating lunch alone, dinner twice in the last week or so. I said a long time ago when we started that the core relationship between me and her has to be unchanged or improved. Obviously that isn’t what is happening. She hit a sensitivity button with the hypno era so to speak, and likened it to where she completely fucked up. I think their is some fairness to that. What I don’t think she realizes is how much I adore her. My love for her runs so deep, and right now I don’t think she can feel my pain. It hurts badly! I don’t wear my emotions on my sleeve nearly as she does, but I am steeped in a deep emotional love with her like no other ever! I am trying to give her a mulligan. I want this to work as planned. I need to either let go, or do a reset. Get back to and stick to the boundaries period. No exceptions. Fri-Sat with secondary partner and that is it, no exceptions or the primary relationship becomes the 2nd relationship. I emphasize with her 10 days without Glenn. That doesn’t warrant 5 days before and after. At that point we are literally having an affair with each other, which is not what I want. I’m glad I can say that and mean it. Fucking your secondary partner daily and even twice a day isn’t the intent here. She would lose it if I was fucking Nicole everyday or twice a day nonstop. That turns your partner into the secondary relationship. It can never be that way. I’m in a fog right now. I have to get a hard really serious commitment from Amber along with the hard truth story about where she really is with Glenn. Is it new relationship energy, and over excitement, or is she on the brink of truly wanting to be with him. I need some stone cold truth of exactly where her mind is, not a soft version. I can handle the truth a lot better than she may think. I have an utter respect for the truth, because it may hurt, but the opposite, destroys! When she wakes up, I’m going to ask her to give me a deep dive into where she really is with Glenn. Somehow I’m not sure if she even knows. She is caught in all this sexual freedom, and I hate to cast a bad thought to it, but she has a sexual appetite that is borderline nympho. Is the sexual freedom just activating her over active sexual need? I’m not in a place or level of expertise to weigh in, just my observation. We had sex yesterday twice in the morning, not unusual. Then she had sex with Glenn at noon. We had sex again in the afternoon and then she had sex with Glenn at dinner time. That is 5 times in 10 hours! We would have had sex at least one more time. I’m really believing in part her needing to see Glenn is more of a love for sex, that she mistaken for a love for Glenn, and her sexual fulfillment is being conflated with love. I don’t know what is going on. One question I have for her is could she be with Glenn and not have sex with him? I think if she did that, she would see what she felt about him outside of the sex. I would bet she would not see him the same way. I could go without sex with Amber for a long time and love her just the same. I guarantee she would love me the same. I don’t believe she would be the same with Glenn. I am going to ask her to have a no sex relationship with Glenn Friday and Saturday. I need her to do that. I think she needs that herself. I would have a no sex weekend with her or 2 days, and let her see the difference in her feelings in each case.

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So Amber had her phone alarm set for 11. She had to text Glenn because she is supposed to be there at lunch. She read what I wrote, and I asked her if she would text him to let him know she has a yeast infection, do you still want to meet for lunch, I can’t have sex. So she did.

His reply. Well that sucks, can you still give me a blow job?

I could but that will get me horny.

He said, I’ll just grab something here. So how long do those last? Does that mean no sex this weekend?

Unfortunately these last a week or more so no sex until you get back from your Moms:(

That really sucks!

I know. Do you still want to get together this weekend?

Dam, that is going to suck so bad? Blow job?

I could do that, but it will be frustrating for me because it will make me want to make love to me.

Maybe we can scratch the over night and just do something, this really sucks.

Ok I’ll talk to you when you get home. I love you.

I directed everything she said for her to type. She has a tear in her eyes now. I asked her, did he even express any concern about you at all? She said no he didn’t. He didn’t even want you to go meet him for lunch unless he got his rocks off???

We have to talk.

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This is painful for her. I really don’t like seeing her like this. I asked her if she remembered when we both had mild cases of Covid. She made me homemade chicken soup, nurtured me, and I her. Neither of us thought about sex. We thought about caring for each other. That’s love. I tried to explain to her she has a very highly sexual relationship, and there is nothing wrong with that. I asked her a very tough question. Was he trying to push me more out of your life? I get that impression because you both kept saying getting your love back to how it felt when you lived with him. He saw a weakness and wanted full access to you. He keeps reminding you of how great it was when you were all his. You mention a lot that moving in with him you will be all his. I think you say that because he tells you that is what you need to feel. Finally all his. Hard for her to admit to me but she did. Yes, he wanted us to move in together, this was our chance to finally experience that again, hoping you would become all his. He put your mind back in a place where you were hurting, and being with him again will make you feel safe because you are his finally. You wanted to experience that so bad, but it was all a false narrative. You felt you loved him so much, you had to try that. I might not be on the money, but the gist of it is true. Personally, I think you need to make a decision. Forget about him and heal, or realize what you have with him is a strong sexual connection which is made for what we are doing and stick by the rules always. I told her to think about that hard. I know she sees it that way after those painful texts. Either way I support her. We have to do a reset. This can only work if the primary relationship is always first. I need to be with Nicole one way or the other this weekend. I have to get her to tell me she can’t get pregnant. I need to hug Amber right now.

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She is really stung by his response. Truly, I don’t know what she is going to do, she has to sort that out. She gave me all the details about everything they talked about living together. The plan was to gradually start to live together, and once we did get that chance to try and make it last as long as possible. It was all designed to bring back the feelings they had when I moved in before. A lot of that is coming back now. He had his arms around me and said everything is going to be better for you now, you are with me from now on. At the time, I was so scared, and a mess. It was like I threw her out. She told me it just felt so good to be wanted, and he kept telling me this is home. Doesn’t it feel so nice? We will be together forever now, no more worries. Isn’t that what you want. I said yes, and we made love for the first time. I fell hard for him. He has been saying don’t you want to get back to that feeling for us, and I said yes, that was a very cozy place. So he convinced me, or I convinced myself, I had to feel that again with him. When you said I could have 5 days with him before he leaves, He said our plan is beginning to happen. I said yes, this is going to help us get back to that feeling. Then he said when He got back we will have the 5 days and you need to try and get a few more. We will gradually get those feelings back and you will never want to leave will you. At that point I said wait a minute this isn’t forever, I just want to have that feeling with you. He said you will feel differently once we have been together for weeks at a time. I said that isn’t where this is going. He said ok, let’s see how it feels, I know you will change your mind. She said I knew what he was trying to do when he first said forever. Before that I was just love struck and he made it feel so good to get to that feeling. It was never going to be permanent, but I did think 6 weeks was not out of the question. She got so lost by her misplaced love. I don’t blame him, what guy wouldn’t want to be with Amber. I just thought she was ready and she wasn’t. I hope her eyes are wide open now. I hope this makes her stronger. I hope she realizes the love we have is so special.

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She said she was going to Glenn’s this weekend because Nicole is coming here and she doesn’t want to be here. I asked her how can I trust you going there? You might tell him you don’t really have a yeast infection and get in bed with him? I learned something over this, you were right again. I need to have a long talk with him. I can’t promise I won’t be home early this weekend but if I am I will text you before not just show up. I don’t think this weekend is going to go well. As far as trusting me? I don’t expect you to. All I can is earn it back. I don’t know what else to say right now. You do know if I can’t learn to trust you we are in big trouble? Yes, and I will never be without you, so you have no worries, that I promise, but they are just words, I will live those words. I don’t even know if I even want a sexual relationship with Glenn anymore. He completely used me for sex and his own selfishness, I am so stupid. Just like every other guy I have met but you. I’m so sorry. Please please don’t ever let me go, I really love you, I don’t think you know how much! I promise None of these issues will ever show up again, such a bad set of circumstances. It’s awful! I love you. I have a headache, I need to lie down. This hurts me seeing her like this. I can’t stand it. I’m going to go lay next to her and spoon with her.

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I went out earlier and picked up a nice piece of salmon she loves fish. Got myself a filet mignon. I’m making her a candlelight dinner a nice salad some asparagus. I’m not happy with her right now I have to deal with that, but it doesn’t mean I don’t love and care for her I do.

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I learned from my grandfather. I remember him telling me when your not feeling so good about your wife, do something nice for her, and you will both realize how unimportant what is on your mind is. I always have carried that with me and it is so true.

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So now the next issue. Nicole as of now will be here Friday-Wednesday morning. I’m not sure what Amber has decided yet. She was really hurt that he was only concerned about getting sex, told her no point in staying over. Was kind of cold having her over period. That’s just so raw. She has been through a lot of that in her life. Right now I have to forgive and forget. She has a lot on her emotional plate and needs my support.

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She told me she won’t be seeing Glenn anymore period. She feels totally played out. She didn’t allow me to take the blame it is all on her. She is scared to death I will not want her anymore, and I’ll never trust her again. I understand where she is coming because being truthful and agreeing to certain rules based on trust, is the worst thing she could of done to me. I am very concerned now. I worry about us now. She feels hurt, but she really hurt me in a place I never thought she could. I consider the circumstances, but at the same time you can’t do that to someone you love ever, it takes so long to build trust, and an instant to break it. I can understand some of it but trust has to be above all. What I’m thinking now is what else was she saying to him? Was she planning to never comeback? Am I the fool? I don’t want to think these things. She told me she would stay in a motel while Nicole was here. I told her Nicole isn’t coming. She said don’t do that for me, I ruined everything! She must of asked me 8 times today if I was leaving her? I told her 8 times no, but I also told her I have to be able to trust her again, and she can never break my trust again or yes, I will leave. Do you know how badly you hurt me? I know your hurting too and I’m trying to be sensitive, but I’m in need of so much myself right now. I need to talk to you more about this, I just don’t understand, I would never expect that from you. I truly don’t deserve that. She sat quietly crying and listening. She finally said if I could take it all back I would, he just somehow found something vulnerable in me and made it sound so good, and I never never committed forever, never! When he brought it up I said no. You have to believe that, because it is true. It is true! I swear to God it is true! Never in anything I said to him at anytime was about ever leaving you! Never. I love you so much and she fell into my arms shaking. She Ickes her head up and said I never will make you feel like this ever again, I’m sure of it. This hurts so fucking bad you don’t know and I hurt you badly, I’m so so sorry. I can’t ever lose you. I just can’t. She just put her head on me and cried. My eyes were not dry, I’m trying to be compassionate but I’m hurting myself. If she was anyone else she would be gone. I just have a different belief in her than anyone else in my life. I’m either a fool or my instincts are correct. I trust my instincts about her. This goes deeper than what happened. Their are underlying issues I think that require some counseling. We both need to have someone figure that out. We need some help.

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I have to say something. Sometimes it is easier to write. I had 3 men in my life before Justin. I left everyone one of them because they were all verbally abusive, physically abusive, or controlling, or all 3. I met Justin and he has never been any of the above. Even now, he holds me and talks to me like he loves me. He made me a beautiful candlelight dinner even though I hurt him badly. I’m not solely responsible here. The hypno forced me to Glenn. He was a safety net. When Justin told me I could live with Glenn and stay 6 weeks, stay however long you want, it reminded me of how I ended I with Glenn in the first place, he was a safety net. A security blanket in case something went wrong. It just felt like he was already giving me away. Yes, I truly gave him reasons to believe that was what I wanted. It was, in part, but not for the reasons he thought. He made a mistake too. Instead of reeling me back in, he just gave me more rope. This is all brand new to me. I never failed Justin when we were together conventionally, I fail Justin when we are unconventional. Justin, please take that in, you can trust me when we are walking through life in a normal way, I never came close to lying or breaking any rules. I know what I want out of that life with you. I know how to love cherish and adore you, you make it so easy. When we do things like this, I obviously don’t do it well. With all due respect either do you. Rhapsody you are more grounded in the process than me, but you make mistakes you’d never make when it is just me and you. Please judge my trust on the Amber and Justin part you know me as, not on the Amber and Justin and others part of me. Because you know the difference. I love you so much, and this isn’t fair, it really isn’t. I’m not downplaying that you are hurting, but you have to know how true to you I am, I love you so much, and we are a forever couple! You have to know that! I am exhausted. I just want to go to bed and hold you. I don’t care if we make love or not. I want to just hold you, or better yet hold each other. Can you please reread all I just wrote? You know that comes from my heart. I love you. Read this again and please come in and hold me, please! I love you!

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Wow. I just reread that and there is a lot of truth to what she wrote. I think she hit some really good points. When it is just me and her, she is right, she never ever made me feel uncomfortable and was exceedingly straight with me. She gave me a much healthier perspective. Communicating is really important. That helped me. I’m going in to cuddle up with her. We both need that. I love that no matter how bad we are hurting, we talk while hugging and close with no voices raised. I love that about her.

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Last night I had a long text exchange with Nicole. It isn’t fair to Justin that Nicole is no longer coming. I have been sleeping with guys almost daily since before we got here, and now that he gets a chance I ruined it. One thing I can say is he immediately canceled with Nicole as soon as I wasn’t going to be with ——. Not even bringing up the name, makes me sick to my stomach. I talked to Justin about my idea with Nicole, and she is coming today and staying to Wednesday morning. I told Justin the best way for me to start proving you can trust me is to completely show you how much I trust you. Nicole is coming as scheduled. When I initially contacted her from her ad, she was looking for a couple that wanted a live in third. I want her to live with us, no strings! I just thought since we have 3 bedrooms one for each of us. She is here 5 nights, so 3 nights we are together and we each have 1 night with Nicole. We both love Nicole so there is no BS we are both into the same person. Justin said wait wait....I am not against the idea, but let’s slow down. We haven’t even tried it yet, so let’s see what happens this week, second, you can handle being in a bedroom while I’m sleeping with and wrapped around Nicole all night? Yes, because I’m going to be doing the same, and we will all be doing it together sometimes. I am glad she is coming this weekend I really need to find some things out. I am really sorry, for all that is happened. I am not doing well with these guys, seems to get me in trouble. I want this to be an equal access thing, except we will be sleeping in the same bed most of the time. I really want this, for me, and especially for you. It is your turn now. He said, I mean what guy would say no? I’m a bit skeptical you can handle this though. I can. I want you to feel free to hug and kiss and have sex with Nicole anytime you want. Can I do the same? Yes, can I watch? Of course. I will kiss her right in front of you. We have already connected that way. You will love this. I’m sick of fucking up, no more. You are going to love this and you know it! Right now we need a feel good. Nicole is a sweetheart. She is the right one for us both. If we ever lose her then we both are without a partner not one of us which becomes difficult. She will be here around 4.

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Justin is now warming up to the idea, but he worries how I can handle it. Right now I need to. I really think this can work. Right now I really trust Nicole. I am going to focus all my energy on making this work. Nicole and I are similar. She is into ultra sexy/ slutty clothes, and loves to be dolled up and she is a total knockout, and when we fooled around she definitely turned me on. We can shop for real sexy clothes and Justin will be excited. The night he sleeps with Nicole is my big test. I’m ready to take it. I thought I would miss Glenn but how do you miss someone that used you. That really opened my eyes. I’m going to fix things with Justin and fast. He let me fuck anyone I wanted and men just possess me, except Justin, and I fucked that all up. Not this time. The only thing that will blow this is my jealousy and it is time to take that on. I am up for the challenge. I got a mega wake up call from Justin over all this. Nicole will make that go away for this weekend, I have to be the one that keeps it away. I asked Justin if he wanted to go with me and Nicole to the club I went to which is full of hot half-dressed women, and good bands. He said let’s save that for future endeavors if there are any. He wants to really focus on Nicole. He is going to buy her a car and hopefully get her help on her infertility issue once he knows what it is and if it can be fixed. I have nothing against that, she is living a poor life, and being 26 and no prospects of having a child of her own is got to hurt. It is probably why she wants the role she covets, and she loves both of us. It as Justin said may cost us having future relationships with her, but he said It is so worth it if it gives her an option taken away from her. He said I would take that option any day. He does have a lot of his grandfather in him as he has described him to me. What a special man he must have been. I’m lucky to be experiencing that. I want to forever experience that. I’m going to make this work. It is my sole focus right now. It has to work. She works so Justin and I will have quality alone time, and will be sleeping in the same bed and house most of the time, all the over nights will be together, no going even I night apart. That is very key!

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Not to go negative, but I told Justin I was going to try and quit smoking for New Years, but with all that has been going on right now, I really need my cigarettes. Seems to get me through. I know bad excuse. The other issue is Nicole, because she smokes quite a bit, and if I am hanging around her a lot it is going to make it almost impossible. Then even Justin flipped his cigars, and has been having a cigarette after sex lol. I’m a bad influence, but better than those cigars. I will address this issue soon, but after all this stressful stuffs settle down. Maybe I can convince Nicole to quit with me, but we were sitting having a cigarette together when she was here before, and she made a comment, I don’t know what I’d do without my cigarettes. Unfortunately I agreed with her. She also said especially when I get high. That is so true, when we got high, it adds to your buzz, but it also makes you need them so much more. We share that common ground, which isn’t a good thing other than the social aspect of it. I will address this just so hard right now.

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I’m really focused on this. I even told Justin instead of going to the store today and get some groceries, I will go tomorrow. I want to leave you and Nicole private time to have sex together, and I will do it another day or two as well. I will let you know what time I am coming home each time. I need to do this not just for you, but for me. He said are you sure you can handle all of this. I said I have to, and I will. I’m sure I will feel some jealousy but I will deal with it. Just when I come home can you please give me a big hug and a nice long passionate kiss. I may just need to feel that from you at that point ok? I would do that anyway, and I will make sure you know it changed nothing.

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I’m going to drive Justin crazy playing with Nicole:)

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Justin said to me it seems strange you are not fucking anyone right now, almost feel like I miss that. I said do you want me to put an ad in again, and start having sex again by the rules? He said yes, not not right now, I think you need to really cool it for a bit. He is right, but I miss it too, I love sex and I love having something on the side. Maybe once he gets into Nicole. He actually said if Nicole ever moves here you are going to have to have another guy, I can’t keep up with you let alone two. I just laughed and said I will put an ad in when you get over your head. Remember she likes sex as much as me. I know, there is no way I will keep you up to what you need so that will become a must. I just said I will have someone else when the time comes. He said I can definitely see that just going to have to get that trust back. I want someone else so I can prove that, when the time comes? I want that chance. He said you might get it quicker than you think the more I think about this. I will need you to even if it isn’t time. Don’t worry you know how much I love sex. I will definitely have someone sooner rather than later.

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Lol he isn’t going to be able to handle all the sex lol. On top of that he will want me away for the weekend with someone so he can have Nicole, and at least he will know I’m having enough sex. I have something to prove to him, and I’m going to get another partner soon. I hate he doesn’t have full trust in me.

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I never had a man on the side before. I did it all wrong. I wanted him to feel like I was his so he wouldn’t get frustrated and walk away feeling secondary. I failed to communicate. I need another chance hopefully. It will turn out a lot better. But I know it’s a long road. Nicole her soon

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OMG. Justin just got Nicole to tell him why she can’t have a baby. I might not get this right but she was born with a T shaped uterus, had filopian tide issues, and may need investor fertilization if it can be fixed. More to it. Justin told her about his gfs they and the money. He is getting her a new car and apartment, but before the apartment Justin surprised me. She said yes to living with us. She has been crying literally for an hour. Justin is holding her. A lot more to this but I had to write this. I’m crying. He just changed her entire life. He is such a giving man. I love him, I love Nicole she is so sweet. I’m so happy for her. Gotta go I’m in the bathroom fixing my mascara and eyeliner.

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Nicole told me last night before we all slept in the same bed she was going to stop home for 2 hours so Justin and I could have some fun. We got so high last night, and it was such an emotional night with Justin talking to Nicole about helping her. He made it clear regardless of anything between the 3 of us going forward this is all happening, so under no circumstances feel trapped here at all. This is totally unrelated to anything that happens here. Justin fucked Nicole while I was playing with her, actually turned me on I was so high. I needed sex with Justin so bad, I’m glad Nicole thinks of us in that way. I am not jealous at all. I love Nicole. She communicates to me and asks if everything is ok? I told her she has access to Justin, and don’t hold back because I am here. We were sitting on the couch last night and we were so high Nicole and I were really going at it eventually naked. I became totally unaware of Justin who later told me he was in awe and so turned on. I am obviously not going to get the sex I did before from Justin I just told him not to forget me, and he was very affectionate to me last night. I really need to put an ad in and have another to have sex with. When Justin was so high he told me he felt bad I didn’t have someone else and he did. He also said he understands a lot better now why I wanted Glenn to think he was winning and I was his. If the other partner doesn’t feel That they are close to equal they might just leave. My problem was failing to communicate that with Justin and he thought I was doing something behind my back. I wanted to move in with Glenn to help that along and stay with him so he would get deeply involved with me and slowly pull back. He said if I explained it to him that way he would have not been nervous reading what I wrote. He said next time he will if I tell him what is going on. Anyway I need more Justin hug time. I’m leaving Nicole and Justin alone this afternoon as I shop. She is completely in love with him. I think he is close. Today might make a difference.

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I went out early. Need some stuff for lunch, and a couple other things. So Justin is home alone with Nicole unto 1pm about 3 hours. I’m shocked I am not feeling jealous at all. Justin said he probably misread my relationship with Glenn. He said yes, he was using you for sex and figured the more access he had with you the more he would get. He also said in your own way you were doing the same. Allowing him more access by letting him think he was going to have long term more access to you. I know you love him, I think your in love more with access to him for sex than him overall, which is fine. Maybe you should rethink that relationship. There is something there, neither of you has found it. It appears for him he wants and needs to know he will slowly have more access to him, and for you from what you tell me you want him to feel he is going to have that by telling him things like you were. I understand that now. You have to communicate with me. When I read how your plan is coming together and you are going to be his soon what am I left to think? I get it. You want him to feel you are closer to being with him. But you have to keep me in that loop. So if you decide to Perdue this, and need to live with him for awhile if you are going to make it sound like you will eventually be his, I really need to know what you are doing. I’m going to contact Glenn and sit on this until he gets back from his Mom’s and see how I feel and also how I feel about with Nicole living with us. I actually think it is going to work. All 3 of us have a relationship together. It would be better if I had someone else. I’m so used to having other sex it is almost like withdraw.

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I have a lot of time to kill. I unblocked Glenn and sent him a long long text. I pretty much told him that our relationship was 90% sexual and 10% emotional. The only way it would work is if I moved in with him at some point so our emotional connection deepened. There was more. Of course he said and a lot of other things, he asked if I was still interested in making our commitment long term where gradually I stay with him full time? I said I would love that to happen, but we have to start from somewhere. My hope is we will at some point be living together permanently. I love you. I am going to make sure Justin understands this, but I still want to slow down until he comes home. I’m not sure right now.

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I’m also getting feelings for Nicole which feels really different. Feels good though. Time to shop and head home. We have to get this so anyone can have sex with anyone so people don’t have to leave

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Ok time to go home. I bought a single rose for Justin and Nicole. I know they just had sex, but I’m not jealous at all.