I need some help

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I wanted to add something important here. I know Justin adores me. I also adore him. I realize that I’m at my best because I have lived my life like this when I am doing coke and smoking. I function better, and feel way better. The only thing missing from my relationship with Justin is I can’t be the real me. I was smoking and doing lines when I met him and he adored me. If I wasn’t so stupid sending him the video of me and Jackie with lines on the table I wouldn’t be in this situation. I love sitting down and doing lines and talking endlessly with a man, and having sex with him over and over. I have to be me. Justin actually has this kinky fantasy of his wife moving in with her lover and having an affair with her. That is so perfect for me too! I can freely do my coke all I want and smoke. Mike is the perfect guy for me to help fulfill Justin’s fantasy and allow me to be me. Hypno just enhances the eroticism for Justin, and it empowers me to be me. I know anyone reading this will have a difficult time with it. It is because you are not me or Justin. Happiness is found in many different ways. Do you know how happy this makes Justin? Well, it makes me happy just as much! You don’t know how turned on it makes me knowing my husband wants me living with another man and having an affair with him and see how turned on he is by it! It is so perfect! I can be me and smoke and do my lines, and have another man that loves doing that as much as me. Simply put I grew up on cigarettes and coke. It makes me feel so good, so happy, and I have functioned my whole life that way. I don’t feel great about smoking and doing lines behind Justin’s back, but I have to, I so need it. In just 24 hours my entire feeling has changed. I am me again, the life I love and I’m making Justin extremely happy. I love being sneaky, just a personality trait. I will be doing coke at home at some point but right now I get too high because I’m not used to it. Once I get hooked on it again, which I want, and get back to 20 lines a day, probably more with Mike:) then I can function and no one will know I’m on coke all the time. It won’t be long, and one thing is etched in stone. I will never quit coke or cigarettes ever again, that is a promise! My baby told me he would make sure of it! I love him for that. He knows I never want to quit and I told him if I ever get that thought to put it in front of me so I don’t even think about quitting. That’s not who I am. This is and I love it!

[wmxx]

The sneaky part of my plan is perfect. I’m going to make sure the affair I have with Justin will be so explosive that he is totally needing it. I will also make sure he knows how deeply in love I am with Mike and I am all his. Once he realizes we are permanently having an affair and he has no control over me at all I will let him know I smoke and do coke. I will have all the power and I will start smoking in front of him and doing lines. He will have no say in it. That will make it so much easier for me. I will never have to hide again. Then I will start seeing him less and less, and I will have my coke and cigarettes forever! It will be a bargaining chip for me to come back. He will be desperate and agree. Then I will have everything I want! He will accept me for who I am and I would continue to see Mike a lot because by that time I will be in love with him and not want to give that up. Plus we have already talked about shooting up on occasion, and that will be my secret:).

[wmxx]

I just did my first full line in 5 months:). Wow I am so glad to be back to myself. I love Mike so much. He is so perfect for me! I may have to reconsider. I am going to take a few lines for tomorrow when I am home. I’m already feeling hooked on my cigarettes or maybe it is the coke. I’m going to have to move in with Mike 7 days a week so I can enjoy this! I was so stupid to ever quit to begin with. I will never do that again. I have been teasing Justin so bad! I asked him how he would like a nice surprise, that I am moving in over here. He was completely loving it. He asked me if I was serious, I said of course. I told him he was quickly becoming my secondary lover and our affair starts now! He said this is so incredible! Please make it last this time. I said I promise, it will be ongoing. I’m not yours anymore, I belong to someone else, is that what you want? He said omg YES! My plan is taking place and I love it. Once he fucks me tomorrow I will have him right where I need him. I am going to be full time with Mike except when he is working, but some of those days I will stay home and do lines all day! This is so perfect! I’m so relieved to have my coke back, even my cigarettes, I passed the point on those already. I am having my 6th one already today. I was trying to have 5 or less a day. I just need them so bad now that I’m back on coke. I will smoke as much as I want now, I love them and glad I have them back. This is exactly what I needed. I think after I have sex with Justin, I will pack up and come back so I can do lines all day. I am loving this so much!

[wmxx]

Just did another full line. I’m becoming myself again and I love it so much! Mike is great! We are going to live together full time now. No more worries about my coke, he is amazing. We have done so much talking, and we are so much alike. I won’t be spending the time Mike is at work with Justin. I need to do my lines and smoke. I will drop by to have an affair with him and make sure he loves this arrangement. I’m so me again and I love it. I didn’t realize how bad I felt until I fixed it and have my cigarettes and coke back finally! So happy now!

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Full line 3:), so nice! You get in a lot of conversation doing lines. Mike asked me so if you have a daughter like you were, and she wanted to smoke when she was 12 would you let her. I said of course. I know what it felt like wanting to smoke, and have them taken away from me. All it did was make me want it more, and I kept smoking anyway. It relaxed me. Like it does now. He said how about coke. I said definitely not at 15. I was living with a dealer at 15 so of course I was doing lines with him. He was 19. He ultimately beat me up, but he got me started on coke, for which I’m grateful! I loved it then and I love it now. How about 17? I said I don’t think at that age she would ever afford it and I wouldn’t give her any of mine. Would you smoke cigarettes with her at 12. I said yes, I know I can’t stop her, and I’d rather she be honest about it. They helped me to relax and I would want the same for her if she started. I keep teasing Justin, I’m driving him crazy. My plan is definitely going to work. I can do all the coke I want living with Mike, enjoy my cigarettes which I am already hooked on again, just got my first craving so 0 chance I’m quitting ever again! I had to go out and buy more packs, I went through the 2 I bought already. When I do coke I smoke toomuch but I love it!

[wmxx]

Nicole just got home from her Mom’s and text me. She said wow, do you know how excited you got Justin? All he can talk about is having an affair with you!!!! You guys sure know how to turn each other on I will say that!!! Omg, that is so perfect. That solidifies I am Mike’s now!!! Finally going to get my way and enjoy my lines. As soon as she text me Mike and I did a line together. I’m not counting anymore. I don’t have to sneak anymore. I will be here full time, except to fuck Justin and really lock him into our affair!

[wmxx]

Just did my last line of the night. I will start my affair with Justin tomorrow and I will make sure I tease him and make him love it! Then I can pack up, go home and do lines all day:).

[wmxx]

Mike is so sweet and thoughtful. He left for work and there was a line on the table in the kitchen with my cigarettes and coffee. It said I wanted to make sure your day got off to a good start. I love you. I did the line and had my first real craving for a cigarette, and the feeling of satisfying that is so nice! I text Justin and said I had a lot of cleaning to do so your affair starts tomorrow. I just need a day where I can do lines all day long. It has been so long! I’m loving all this attention and so happy I am back on coke. The good news is I will never ever have to go through that again!!! Finally feeling the way I know I can feel, which is so alive energetic and happy! I already need my cigarettes, and soon I will need my coke, and that’s when I’m happiest.

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I’m so high right now. I have been text teasing Justin. I told him this time I am making sure our fantasies are very real. I hope you know that I really am going to live here, and this is a real affair between us. How bad do you want me moving in with him? He said really bad! You know how much I want this, you are driving me crazy I wanted to start today! I told him being a new wife I have some responsibilities here. Just remember, I belong to him now not you. You understand that part of this right? He said yes I do, tomorrow is ok. I told him in order for this to work I need to fall deeply in love with him, and get comfortable being his woman from now on. If you push too hard and make this uncomfortable, it won’t work. It will be like last time, and it didn’t last. He said I know, I know. I promise I won’t do that to you this time, I promise. I told him he has to remember, in order for this to work, I have to totally become his woman, in every way. You are secondary now, and I need you to promise me no matter what, you no longer have any say in this. I have to feel like I am completely his, or there is no affair ok? He said I understand this time, I won’t pull you, or ask for anything except our affair. I told him I may do things he doesn’t like, but I want you to know that you no longer have any say in it, you do understand that? He said I know, No matter what I won’t interfere. I told him as soon as he interfered the affair will be over, but I’m still not going to be with him, this is permanent just like we want it right? He said I won’t do anything no matter what to make you want to stop. I am sitting here feeling so in control. By the time I get done controlling him I will be smoking my cigarettes and doing lines right in front of him. I have to make the sex so intense, all that will matter to him is to protect our affair. I can see the influence the hypno has on him already. I want the power to have sex with Justin and light a cigarette when we are done. Ultimately, when I get the courage, I will freely do lines in front of him and he won’t dare say anything because he knows I won’t be his anymore and will need our affair. The end game is, once he knows I will never stop doing coke, and that I smoke now will be a condition of me coming home. I will make him need me so bad he will welcome me doing lines:). I love this plan. I will finally have my coke without him pulling at me.

[wmxx]

I also told him if he pushes me, or lectures me on anything at all the affair will end on the spot! I said you understand that right? I’m not yours anymore, we are a true affair. If you want a long term affair with your wife, as much as I do, we have to be just an affair, anything I do is up to me. Promise me that? He promised and he told me you know if I promise something, I mean it. I said perfect! I can’t wait to start. Make sure Nicole goes out tomorrow so we can start our affair alone. I will be there at 9! I love you! This is going to be amazing. I think I will have a cigarette after we have sex, and he will be helpless to say anything. I’m getting wet just thinking of the control I will have. When I’m on coke I am very sneaky to protect it. I will do a line right before we have sex! I love this so much!

[wmxx]

I just did my third line. It is so empowering. Justin has text me twice and told me he accepts that I’m living another life now for us to have an affair, and what I do to make my relationship strong is up to me, and he won’t interfere. He said he learned his lesson and admits he ruined it the last time. He wants us to be a strong intense affair , and that is his focus. This is going to be so perfect. I am going to test him tomorrow. I will do a line in the bathroom but he won’t know, but Right after that I am going to take him out by the pool and have a cigarette, and let him know I need my cigarettes going through all this, and I’m not quitting, and that’s all I want to say about it. I’m going to find out right on the spot who has the power. I am not going to do coke in front of him until we get really deep into our affair. Once I do that, I will start doing lines right before we have sex every time. I can’t wait. My coke will never be threatened again and if it is I will never leave Mike. It will become permanent. I’m not ever quitting now. I’m back to being me, and I’m so happy!

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I told Justin since he was so good about having an affair this time I am coming over at 11. Told him to ask Nicole to disappear til 1. I am so dying to put him to the test. First thing I do is a line then take him out to the pool and have a cigarette and let him know I smoke and will never quit! This is so great! I will feel I have full control of this works.

[wmxx]

I’m on my way. I look just like a hooker, he is going to melt inside of me:). Can’t wait to see how he reacts when I light up my cigarette. He will be helpless:).

[wmxx]

Wow what a make out session we just had. I’m in the bathroom just did a line. Freshening up my lips. I told him to wait by the pool so we could talk a few minutes. I’m nervous because I’m going to have a cigarette as soon as I go out there. I’m feeling good about it because I just did a line.

[wmxx]

OMG! I am on my way home. A lot to talk about! I’m craving a line for the first time:). I love the feeling of satisfying it. I’m hooked again! Or maybe just excited!

[wmxx]

Wow I am home. I just did a line. I didn’t just want it I needed it. Glad to have that feeling back. So I came out of the house onto the pool deck. Justin told me I looked so hot. So did he actually and I was dying to fuck him after doing a line. I basically said ok, as of in a few minutes we start an affair we are both dying to have. Before we do I want you to know I’m not yours anymore, I belong to someone else now, so make sure you want this. I took out my cigarettes and lit one. He looked at me and paused, and said yes I want this so bad. He kept looking at me smoking but didn’t say anything. I told him I have a new life now and once we start our affair it will be permanent! He said that is exactly what he wants. He asked me if I was with Mike. I said yes, we already had a strong relationship. He said so I’m sure your doing more than smoking. I said just go with your instincts, they will answer for you, and that’s all I have to say. He outright asked me if I was doing coke. I said what I do with Mike is my business, don’t ruin this. He said no I won’t can we start our affair. I finished my cigarette and we had some amazing sex, very intense. He quickly forgot about everything else. In a round about way I told him I’m doing coke again and he knows I smoke. I feel so powerful right now. I will have everything soon. My coke is at the top of that list. His hypno controls his fears and I will exploit that. I know exactly how!

[wmxx]

Justin just text me and thanked me for starting our affair. He said it was the hottest sex he ever had. He asks me if I was coming over tomorrow and I said yes. I love you so much! I’m going to be living with Mike permanently now as we discussed. We get along great, and I am doing this for you because I love you! He said I love you too! You are amazing to do this for me! The reality is I’m doing it so I can do coke all the time:), but he doesn’t need to know that:).

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I am too high. I sent Justin a long e-mail why I need coke like other people use prescriptions to get by, all with potential side effects. I know you figured out since I’m with Mike I’m doing coke again. Well I am doing coke again, and smoking cigarettes. They get me through life, I need them! I sent him studies about pregnancy and coke not being what they once thought. I want this affair with you for you especially. I need you to accept me doing coke, because I promise I will never quit again. You loved me when you didn’t know. That is who I am. I plan on staying with Mike permanently now, so we can have a life long affair. If you can’t except my new life with Mike doing coke all the time, I understand, and we will stop our affair. He responded no no no I understand. I accept it. I may not agree but I love you and want to continue. I won’t ask you to quit I promise ok? I’m on top of the world right now. I’m going to do another line right now. I can’t wait for Mike to come home. I am his from now on! Completely. All I have to do is be a good whore and fuck Justin a few times a week:). I am now permanently with Mike! I’m growing to love him more and more. We are so similar, and he encourages me to use all I need to feel better! My sneaky plan is working out perfect. Justin told me not to tell Nicole

[wmxx]

Just did another line. I can’t stop smiling that I’m doing lines again. My plan is working perfectly, I will live with Mike from now on and have sex with Justin a few times a week. He is already becoming dependent on me to fulfill his need to have an affair with me. It is pretty hot and erotic, I love it too, plus he is good in bed. Me and Mike get along great and he is very good to me. This time I know it will last.

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Celebrating our relationship with lines and love making. This is my new home. Mike said to me when he got home and went to get a line he said someone was feeling good today! I said yeah I did quite a bit today. He told me he was teasing, do whatever you need. I’m loving it!

[wmxx]

Today was the first day I woke up needing a line. I love that feeling knowing how good it feels to satisfy it. Same with my cigarettes, I am craving them now too. It’s such an awesome way to start your day!!! Mike and I are getting very close which we were before I left the first time, but this time I am here to stay. Justin loves having an affair with me. I actually love it too, it’s very erotic. I can’t say I don’t miss him and Nicole, I miss them a lot. I can’t wait to go there today. Nicole won’t be there but she will be tomorrow and I’m dying to have sex with her too. I am going to test my control today. When I get to Justin’s I am going to head out to the pool and do a line right in front of him and have a cigarette before we have sex. It is such a powerful feeling it turns me on. It makes me feel so in control!! I want him to know I do coke and I smoke like I always have but I’m still the same loving woman I always have been. I have to say sex with him is by far better than anyone I was ever with, and now having him as an affair sends the eroticism over the top, especially doing a line right before. I know the longer I stay with Mike, the stronger the chances are I never leave him. I’m already starting to feel it is going to be permanent. I need a man that I can do lines with all the time. Justin is the only guy I have ever been with that doesn’t do lines and it makes a relationship difficult for me because I love my coke, and I have learned one thing, I will never even try to quit ever again. Being with Mike is perfect because we are very compatible and both love it. He really cares about me and makes sure I always have enough because he understands I truly need it. I will be going early to Justin’s tomorrow to resume my workouts. I have grown to like them.

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I think what a lot of people don’t understand about me and Mike is it doesn’t matter if we are addicted to coke or not. We would use it the same way. I use it like any other medicine. It makes me feel better all the time. The nice part about getting hooked on it is it tells you when you need it. I wasn’t hooked when I moved in with Mike but I realized how much I needed it. It’s the same with my cigarettes. I had a stressed childhood. I started when I was 12. I soon realized how much more relaxed I was when I smoked. I feel the same way now. The combo compliments each other. I have never done coke without my cigarettes. I understand Mike. He has a stressful job and he needs it the same way I do. He will never let me go without coke, and I feel the same about him, because I know why he needs it. We aren’t any different than those on prescription drugs. I love how coke makes me feel, and how relaxed I am with my cigarettes as well. I would do both even if I wasn’t hooked. That’s why addiction doesn’t matter to me. I would be doing it anyway. When I owned my business I would never have been nearly as successful or relaxed if it wasn’t for both. Amy was the same way. This is why I am permanently with Mike. We love each other and understand something about each other that no one else can. I love Justin soooo much, but he will never fully understand me, and it makes it so hard. Maybe from now on when I do coke in front of him he will realize I’m the same woman he met that was doing it even more! What has changed? Perception has not reality. Gotta slut up to go to Justin’s. I actually think he likes me doing it as his affair. It makes me like a hooker to him and he already admitted he loves when Nicole and I dress slutty. So when I go have sex with him, I dress really slutty, but I love dressing sexy and slutty anyway.

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I’m back home. I feel so powerful now over Justin. I love the feeling. Coke is confidence and I feel I have full control now. It makes me want even more. I went right out to the pool and sat down and told him I need a line so bad right now because I don’t drive for an hour after I have one. I took out my coke and did a line right next to him, then I lit a cigarette. I could tell he wanted to say something, but all that came out was are you ready to have sex now? I said yes, I’m dying to get in bed with you, just let me finish my cigarette. I said don’t you love having an affair with your wife knowing she is with someone else now? He got really excited and said that’s all he thinks about, he loves having an affair with me. I’m loving this so much. I will never leave Mike. I have all the power now. I will be able to do heroin as soon as the baby is born, which I really loved!!! Mike said this time we will do it together. He loves shooting me up because he sees how good it makes me feel.

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I love the power I have over Justin now. I text him to make sure he knows that I’m with Mike from now on and as you can see I absolutely love coke and so does Mike. I am his now, and I’m doing this so we can have an erotic affair. I want to make sure you understand that. I love having an affair with you, but you do realize that Mike comes first now right? He is my primary relationship now, and that’s not going to change! He text me back I know he is, I totally understand. I just want to make sure we are always having an affair is all. Just promise me we will? I told him as long as he doesn’t interfere with me and Mike we will. He said I promise I won’t. OMG! I love this. The closer I get to Mike the more power I have. I love Justin, but there is no way I am ever leaving Mike now! I have everything in my own power now. I will keep increasing my power over Justin. The more I have the more he submits to me because he needs our affair so bad. I’m so happy now! I told Mike we are going to always be together now. I finally have everything I want!!! My lines at the top of that list. I made sure they will never be threatened again! I’ve always realized that coke is the most important thing to me, and now I will do anything to keep it.

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Mike text me and said he was going to be home an hour or two late. He said he had to pick up more coke, and he had a surprise for me, but he thought about it and wanted to make sure I liked it first. He said usually he gets uncut, but sometimes he loves having some of it cut with meth. He wanted to know if I ever did it like that before. I said omg YES! I did that when I was with Glenn and loved it. I said yes I love it like that! I told him he was so thoughtful and I love him so much! He said great! You will have a nice surprise when I get home. That is the ultimate but you can end up getting a meth addiction which is why you can’t do it all the time, but it enhances it so much. I will never leave Mike he is soooo perfect for me:).

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I’ll admit right now I am loving the power I have and will use it to get more. When I was 15 I moved in with a coke dealer that was 19, might have been 20. He got me hooked and I loved it but he also held it back from me for sex. He had complete control over me. I remember he used to ration or take away my cigarettes and I would do anything for him to get them because I had no money. So I basically learned how to be a coke whore really young. It was all I knew. Find someone that has a lot of coke and fuck him in love with me. Not proud, just a bad start. As I got older and successful I could afford my own but I was always the prissy sexy sweetie and these men would do anything to have me. Old Mike was one. He was always doing complimentary lines with me. It went from that to coke and sex every day. I really liked Mike and we were both doing lines together so much we eventually started sleeping together and it became a very enjoyable habit. Mike wasn’t good looking but he had a great personality and we did lines together so much we became fuck buddies, even after I met Justin I slept with Mike more than Justin. See, I was the same person then as I am now, he fell in love with me when I was doing 20 lines a day including in his bathroom! He loved that person, so why should it be any different? He is going to know I will never quit coke ever! I will do it in front of him, and make sure he knows that. I will make it so routine it won’t be a big deal anymore. I will give him a killer affair and make sure he knows that I love Mike so much I will never leave him. He will know his way to have me will only be an affair with his wife, but technically I will be Mike’s wife

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I text Justin and told him from now on just think of me as his personal whore. I will wear anything he wants me to wear, and do sexually anything he wants. I will also let him know Often he is having an affair with his wife, who is now deeply in love and living with another man. I am going to make him crave me like a drug, and openly smoke and do lines every time I’m there. He will ultimately see it as just completely normal, which it always has been. If I had the courage to shoot myself up, I would do that in front of him to when I start doing it again. The best part of all of that will be the power I will feel, because every day I tell him, remember I am Mike’s from now on, and if he does anything to try and pull me away, he will never see me again. I can’t have him pulling at me, because I’m not ever leaving Mike. This the the 4th time I have tried moving in with someone else, including Mike the last time. The difference is we never wanted to be apart, circumstances changed that. I’m too high but I have to reveal the truth about something. Next post. I’m going to do a line first.

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Ok the truth. I couldn’t stay away from Mike. After We finished appointments at Mayo, And we came back I have been having an affair with Mike. Probably about 2 months ago. I would make excuses to go out when I was going to his house. Yes, I started doing coke with him. We have fallen deeply in love, and I couldn’t stand not being with him. I started smoking cigarettes again at the same time. I was doing half lines and when I finally moved in with him, I started doing much more. We knew we had to be together, and we are. This is permanent, I love Mike a lot. I’m ready to spend the rest of my life with him. I couldn’t stand not being able to do coke at home, or having a cigarette. The few months I went without them was hell! I’m so glad I am back doing them again, that was impossible! Never again. I’m not ever going through that again. I’m extremely happy here, Mike takes care of me and he is a sweetheart!

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Wow Mike came home with a nice surprise. The meth coke was incredible. I text Justin and told him I couldn’t make my workout this morning. Told him I had morning sickness. Really I did a line of the meth coke and I’m not going anywhere right now. He actually said to me does the coke help make that feel better? I was surprised, so I said yes. I have done 2 lines already and it helps a lot. He said maybe you can come over later. I told him I had a lot of things to do here today but I will be over tomorrow. He actually asked me that!!! It is such a power rush. He wants me to have an affair again today, so desperate now. I am just in the mood to do lines all day and tease him. I told him Mike came home with a nice surprise for me and how thoughtful he is and how much I love him. I’m so his now, so please don’t pull me when you know I’m not feeling well. He got all apologetic, he is so afraid of me now, and it was always me afraid of him. I love the power I have and I will use it and he will know I’m never leaving Mike.

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One thing about Mike, he is a boob guy. He can’t leave my boobs alone, but sometimes they are too sensitive. I am now a EE cup. I love how they look under a bra but topless they are a bit saggy because they are so heavy. Mike said if they need some help after the baby he would take care of it for me. I told him If they disappear I will definitely take him up on that. I have this thing now, a woman’s thing I guess that I want to be bigger than Nicole. I’m still pretty thin and tight from working out but I have a small baby bump. When I go out I wear very low cut tops that generally lace cut at the bottom and untucked so my baby bump doesn’t show. My boobs are so big everyone stares, but I love the attention:). I get so many people, especially women that ask me if I am an actress or someone famous. I almost always wear red lipstick and eyeliner because it makes an exotic look, and heels are a must. When me and Nicole are out together as soon as someone comes over and starts asking questions a small crowd happens. We love it because it is fun. I’m the epitome of girlie-girl and so is Nicole. I miss hanging with her. Tomorrow we will have to hang together.

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I’m counting my lines today. I want to catch up to Mike, so when he does a line, I am doing one too. I just did my 4th one, but 3 are the regular ones. As much as I love the meth lines, have to be careful with those. I couldn’t resist this morning though:). It makes it easy to zip through cleaning. I want Mike to see that I tend to shopping and housework, and taking his dry cleaning out for him. I want to be his wife now and do all the domestic things. I also have dinner for him and a line ready for each of us, which he loves, but he does that for me every morning, so sweet and thoughtful!!! I’m growing deeper in love with him by the day.

[wmxx]

He also asked me about a timetable of when I would stop having sex with Justin because he said soon I want us to be a couple without anyone else involved sexually. I said after the baby we will work out arrangements and it won’t include sleeping with him. I told him not to worry. That from now on he is my man and always will be. I don’t think right now I can give Justin up. I love him a real lot, so I will be sneaking around with him. The sex is sooo good it would be hard to give up. Chances are certain that Nicole and Justin will stay together. It is one of the reasons I started an affair again with Mike, because I always felt Nicole and Justin were a better fit. The truth is they are, and that weakened me back to Mike and I was desperate to have my coke back, because sadly, I know Justin and Nicole are better for each other. The more I thought about it the more anxious I became, and I realized if I didn’t get my coke back I was going to be a wreck. I was right. Now that I am back on it, I feel incredible again, and Mike really saved me. He is the first and only man that truly understands my needs, and he is very good to me. I know from now on I am always going to be with Mike.

[wmxx]

Getting a lot done today. Washed the floor and dusted the whole house and some laundry. I have done 7 lines so far, just did one while I take a break. I have been teasing Justin a lot as we text back and forth. I keep telling him I’m taking a break to have a cigarette and do a line. He doesn’t say a word about it, just kind of changes the subject. I told him Mike brought me home a special goodie bag last night, and all he could say was I’m sure you enjoyed it and got off it, but I made sure he knew how much I loved the feeling and energy. I’m in total control for the first time ever in my life. I feel so good right now. I tell Justin how happy Mike and I are, and I will never leave him, so your affair is good. He loves that part!

[wmxx]

Went for my workout this morning. I did not bring my coke because Nicole was going to be there. Big mistake! I was dying for a line! My workout was tough because it has been awhile. After the workout Justin headed for the shower and I told him I was going out for a cigarette and I will take a quick shower in the other bathroom. So Nicole lights her cigarette, and as I go for mine I said ok don’t freak out. I lit it and she looked at me and told me she new I was smoking and doing coke. I said how? She said a couple months ago I asked you if you could break a 20, and you opened your bag and I saw your cigarettes and bag of coke. I was stunned and just said oops. She said she didn’t say anything because she didn’t want to get involved and knew it would become sticky. She said instead she prays for me every night, and let’s talk about something else. Well I had sex with her and Justin and couldn’t wait to get home and do a few lines.

[wmxx]

Just got back from my workout and had sex with Justin and came right home to do a line. I have to do some shopping today. It seems like I have been really busy the last two days. Nicole told me she didn’t say anything to me about the coke and cigarettes because she knew I wouldn’t stop and if I had to sneak it I would do less. I’m so glad they both know, she is right about all that, now I am free to do all I want:). I did 13 lines the other day when I counted. This is just my 2nd line today, so not even close to where I used to be. One good thing, I will never quit again. Mike and I enjoy doing lines together, and we talk about so much. I’m getting really close to him. He is definitely my new man now.

[stupidme]

bye, sane person who I thought you were going to be, I hope you come to your senses again and justin and/or nicole puts you into a facility. but I've given up hope on that, now that you are throwing the memorials that justin has set up in your honour away and putting your baby at risk of mental and physical damage of losing their blood mother from either drugs or adoption. throwing away the loving relationship
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XB6yjGVuzVo

[wmxx]

Thank you for all of that. Something about that song and Justin. I’m sitting here crying, and realize my life is spinning out of control. I’m ready to have a conversation with Mike I hope he understands, and then I’m leaving to have a conversation with Justin. We have to move a long way away from here where I have no access to coke and know no one. I know we love the house he bought and he loves it, but the only way out for me is to move away from this area. I can’t survive here. I know this will be tough for him, but it is the only way or I will die here, much sooner than I should. I want to move, go through therapy with Justin and Nicole. We have something unorthodox but it is so beautiful. I need to be part of the solution not the problem! I am going to fix this once and for all if they will help me fix it. I need them both to survive. I may not post here for awhile I don’t know. I have a lot to do right now. Stupid me you are smart me. Thank you! God bless!

[wmxx]

I just have to add one thing. I know I am a beautiful woman. I am intelligent, but I have a much lower self esteem than anyone would ever believe. I use sex to feel good about myself. The fact that someone wants me is gratifying. It is because I was raped over and over by my first boyfriend an even a family member. I had a very rough start in life, and I never recovered. Coke hides all that for me. I need help! I always knew I did, but coke was my help. I am so scared of Justin. He is the most amazing man in the world! You don’t even have a clue how much I love that man! I’m just so scared because he can have any woman in the world. How can I measure up for someone like that? I always feel I’m an inch away from him finding someone else. So much so that I try to wrap myself up with another complicated drug using man, because I feel equal. Justin never once made me feel like he didn’t love me to the ends of the Earth! He never raises his voice at me, hits me, and he is so loving to me no matter what. He is truly committed to me! I just have all these insecurities that won’t accept it because I’m not good enough, but I know I can be. I have to find that woman again! I have to find her! He and Nicole have to help me find her! They know what I am like, the same as them. I just won’t let myself be her, because I’m scared to death I can’t measure up. I’m an emotional basket case right now. I’m going home and I hope they don’t throw me away! I’m not disposable like a newspaper, which my parents did. I’m sorry! I just really need help. This is rock bottom for me, very rock bottom.

[stupidme]

That is really good to hear, I highly recommend that they put you through a reputable rehab center, and MAKE SURE you have a regular therapist, EVERYONE can use a therapist, one who is trained, you are not a lesser person if you need a therapist.

check out this youtube channel and talk to them if you have no place to start:
https://youtu.be/p5YgrdcoOAs

[wmxx]

I am going through some very difficult times right now. I am in regression therapy. Yes, a form of hypnosis. Some of the things that are buried inside of me that happened are so bad. I guess you go through those traumas and your brain discards them as if they never happened. There are a lot of awful things that happened to me, really awful. I’m scared and this is very emotionally unsettling. I had an awful first 16 years on this planet. Very awful.

[stupidme]

I hope everything is going well, I'm hoping you are working with a reputable therapist to work on these issues.

[wmxx]

I can’t believe what I have been through. My last day on here was 31 days ago, outside of one part of one day they allowed us cell phones. I am finally home. I missed Justin and Nicole so much. A lot has changed for the good. I’m mentally in a better place, but I have a long way to go. More at another time. I just need a lot of lovin right now from Nicole and Justin. More when I get a chance.

[stupidme]

good to hear from you! you sound so much better I'm so happy for you!
I hope everything is going well, and you are able to give and get the loving you need.

[wmxx]

It has been a long time and so many discoveries. I have learned so much about myself, and most of it I just blocked out. I don’t want to get into all these things, but I will share one so you can get an idea what I’m dealing with. My abusive boyfriend that I lived with forced me to use and get addicted to coke and sex. I remember now the ugly part. He was pimping me out when I was 15 so I could earn my own coke money. I developed an expensive habit at 15. I was a complete mess, but I at least understand my association with men, coke, and sex. I also realize I may never conquer it. I love sex and coke so much it is sooooo hard. Yes, I’m already using coke again and having sex with New Mike. It is occasional right now, but I know at some point I will be hooked again. The odd thing no matter how much therapy and rehab, I want to be hooked on coke, I love it soooo much. I simply need men, coke, and my cigarettes. I just can’t change that. I love Justin and Nicole, and I need to have this conversation with them. They have to accept who I am, because I can’t change, it is who I am. It helps to be with someone who understands my need for coke, and sex. Mike is and will be the perfect affair for me. I will continue it as long as possible. I will always have another man in my life to have sex with and do coke with. I will be heading there today as I’m really wanting to do some lines and have sex with him. I’m no longer going to hide anything. I love my coke and I will always have it now no matter what. The truth? I can’t wait until I am totally hooked again, and doing 20 or more lines a day. I will be sooooo relieved. I am waiting until I am completely hooked before I tell Justin and Nicole, and I will be doing coke right in front of them, no more hiding. I will also be living with Mike whenever I choose.

[wmxx]

I can also see Nicole and Justin have gotten so much closer. I’m glad though, it will allow me more freedom to spend time doing lines at Mike’s anytime I want. I’m sure soon there will be a lot of night’s I stay at Mike’s especially once I am hooked, I will stay there quite awhile until I can handle it like I used to. I get goosebumps just thinking I’m getting my coke back, and this time I am never letting go, ever! It is my medication, and always will be.

[wmxx]

Great sex and coke with Mike today. It feels so good to be back on coke! Soooooo good!

[stupidme]

this saddens me, what have your therapist(s) said about this?

[wmxx]

I know. It’s so hard because this is what I have always done. I feel more comfortable, so much better when I’m doing coke. When I’m not I feel tired and awful. I’ve come to the conclusion I can’t function without it, so From now on I don’t have to worry about that anymore. I will always be doing it now. Seems like everyone wants to take it away from me, and I don’t want to quit. I need it! I will always go back to it. Mike just so understands that, and I love going there and doing lines with him. He will never try and take it away from me, and I need that right now. I will be back at his house this morning, and I can’t wait!!!! You don’t know how much I look forward to doing lines again. Finally feeling good!

[wmxx]

I’m not using it as an excuse but some of the things I went through nobody should ever have to go through. My excuse if you want to call it that is I love doing it, I love how it makes me feel, and I feel like I function so much better. To stop you have to want to stop, and for those reasons I’m not stopping. I ran a business for years successfully. That was all thanks to old Mike. I could never have done it without him. I never had emotional love feelings for Mike despite the fact that I was sleeping with him more than Justin. I do have an emotional attachment to new Mike, so it is more special to do lines with him and make love. He in a way for me is like what Nicole is for Justin. I would never leave Justin for Mike the same as I know Justin will never leave me for Nicole. Something really deep about our connection. No one can make me feel like Justin does especially when we make love. He is somehow going to have to accept I use coke, even if it takes hypno, and it might. Soon I will let him know. For now he thinks I go out and meet up with a few people I rehabbed with, so I can spend time with Mike everyday and work my way back up to doing the lines I used to do. I actually get wet now just thinking about doing lines and making love to Mike.

[stupidme]

ok, deciding that in sane mind that you choose to go back to the coke and new mike is one thing, lying to the other ones you love is another. At least tell them the truth, they deserve it.