by additionsubtraction » January 7th, 2023, 7:41 pm
I'm at a bit of a crossroads in my life right now and I figured I would share a few of my experiences here as a marker of where I've been.
To start, I have had a very on again / off again relationship with both CFG and the broader array of forced gay files. My first experience with CFG could probably be called an enormous success but it was terrifying at the time. Shortly after listening to it for the first time at the age of 16, I experienced a wet dream where I was sucking the cock of a highschool classmate. I immediately stopped listening; I'd never had any kind of thoughts like that before and as a nerdy guy who girls didn't like, I didn't want to risk ruining my chances with them even more.
Over time, though I've found myself orbiting back to these files. Between my fascination with them and my interest in submission in a Master/slave relationship, my experience with gay sex has grown slowly but surely. By the time, I was in college, I found myself interested in cocks and sucked off a couple of guys in a library bathroom. I would set up profiles on Grindr and Recon and chat with guys, playing out all sorts of fantasies. In the last few years, I've even found myself comfortable with the idea of going on dates with men, kissing them, and going to bed with them.
Every time though, after an initial surge of excitement and interest, I eventually would develop a fear response, or get turned off in some way. Even as I started to find myself more physically attracted to certain aspects of men and as gay porn (usually written stories like those on GaySpiralStories but also pictures and videos) became more comfortable for me to dip into.
Right now, I'm about to turn 30 and I'm moving to a new city on the West Coast and I am once again experiencing a surge in interest in men and gay sex. This time however, I'm trying to remain calm and avoid the cycle of excitement and shame that's typified my past experiences. I want to grapple with what this all actually means, and for at least the last three weeks, I haven't shied away from this though I've felt my interest in men wane slightly again.
As part of trying to figure this all out, I've been considering starting a month long run of using these files. Specifically, Dragos' Heterosexuality Eraser. I tried it twice already and did find that my interest in women waned noticeably, though it's returned some in the last week. It seems powerful but I have concerns. I still haven't gone through the process that Smooth9 and others have identified of becoming attracted to men's faces, i.e. romantically attracted to them. I want to find a loving, romantic partner and if it's possible to find that with a man, it would make me very happy. But I don't want to close off the door to women without knowing it's possible.
Anyways, if any guys out there, especially those in long term committed relationships to other men, would be interested in talking me through some of this, I'd like to know more about your experience. I do think Smooth9 was right in saying that some of this might be internalized homophobia, so if anyone has any ideas for getting over that specifically, I would be in your debt
Happens to the best of us!
