Emotionally speaking I'm seriously not feeling good right now.

I guess I sowed the seeds of this myself, not really meaning to, at the same time I started feeling really good about myself, around the end of January.

I started using hypnosis files without telling my wife about it. At the time, I wasn't sure whether they'd work or not. So I guess I didn't think there was much to tell her about. It's not so much that there was a thought process. I was just thoughtless and inconsiderate. Sometimes I get caught up in things and don't think about others. But it's not personal. Sometimes I get caught up in things and don't think about my own needs either.

Well, a month and a half later, I'm still not sure whether I'm really losing bladder control or anything irrevocable yet, but the fact is that I have been wearing diapers all the time and behaving as if I have lost bladder control. If I keep this up, at the very least, I will change my habits by pure repetition to the point where I'll need diapers.

Anyway, MM thinks I should tell her. In fact, MM assumed I'd told her at the start. And he just found out I didn't. I'd thoughtlessly allowed him to assume that. My thoughtlessness may have cost me everything. I feel like I'm a terrible person.

Well I agree that I should tell her, but I'm beating myself up inside about not having told her, about allowing MM to believe I told her, about just not thinking about other people.

I started trying to tell her last night, but the conversation moved into other areas that just highlighted how thoughtless and inconsiderate I am in general. If life is trying to teach me a lesson, I'm sensing a theme here.

Basically it feels to me as if the good times are over and it's going to be back to the doldrums of self-denial that I've lived in for years and years while it seems that my wife gets so much more of what she wants.

But maybe I'm just emotionally preparing myself for failure. I'm sure she'll be angry that I didn't tell her about this decision (to start listening to hypnosis files that could lead to my becoming diaper-dependent), but then she would have a right to be. I just hope she doesn't demand that I stop.

But she has to be told. I've built up so much tension about this that it has to be resolved one way or another. It's making me miserable, and it's hard to be a happy little girl when I feel like this.