i've been feeling more & more emptyheaded lately. i find myself almost unable to make a decision on my own, when i'm asked, and most of it is due to the hypnosis i've been getting while on the phone with my master. yeah, i called him master. mostly because i can't think of what else to call him. i need to get down to him soon. but he tells me to be patient. maybe it's the moon. the paper said the waning moon makes people impatient. but i don't know if i believe in that sort of thing. my master also enlightened me to the fact that i'm most likely gay, tonight. i think i've known it for awhile ... but i'm having a hard time breaking out of my own mind to accept what he wants me to accept. the farthest i can get is bi, and i knew that already anyway. i'm almost totally dependent on him, and it's making me crazy to be so far away from him and only be able to talk to him online & on the phone ...

and it's really weird to look at this & see how much it looks like the panderings of other slave-master relationships i've read about online. my entire mind, whereas i used to be a mostly intelligent and successful person (in some regard), is focused on him and us and becoming what he wants me to become. i even feel ... feelings for him, and i can't explain why. he tells me that i think too much and that i need to stop worrying, but it's hard to have to live a life here that i don't want to be a part of (but kind of still do?) and yet want to be with him so badly and lose myself? i'm all knotted up.