Day 1 ...

My excuses are endless .. "I have no money", "I work too much / I have no time", "The apartment is a mess", "I don't know anyone right now" ...

Don't get me wrong - I love women and I love sex. I just seem to lack the right confidence and motivation to get out and get laid; frequently. Far FAR too often I end up jacking off, and not getting the sex I really need. Truth is after the millionth time, masturbating isn't really that exciting, and the orgasm lasts what - a couple seconds? .. What if the focus was back on sex first, and on the building pleasure not just the finish?

Maybe a year ago the fantasy hit me and it won't go away. "If only I couldn't make myself cum - no matter hard I tried or how bad I needed it .. If only I could only cum when fucking a woman."

Well if I didn't find a way to get pussy, then I would be perpetually horny, aching swollen blue balls and all. hmmmm... tantalizing.

I'm not really at all into feminization and would make a poor sub (way too much of a rebel .;). But to generically give up the ability to get myself off? Then I'd either be reliant on others to "Let me cum", (or "Make me cum"), or reliant on myself to go out and get what I really needed, or locked into the agony of virtual chastity.

I first tried around the new year (2010) and made it maybe 6 days. Usually every time I try, the thought of denial sends me right over the edge though.

To succeed it will take time, re-conditioning and maybe a little help from hypnosis.

Which brings us to the point of this post. I've fallen victim to "Cal's Curse". I've listened a few times over the past months. Sometimes I go deeper than others, sometimes it lasts longer than others. I have kept coming back to the file though.

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Cal's Curse - In short

• Your no longer able to cum, unless you have specific permission from another person, for that one time orgasm.
• Asking permission is humiliating, making it both exciting and something to put off till you NEED it.
• The more you listen to this file .. the more you want to listen to this file..
• You will be so excited the first time your hooked, you'll have to tell somebody, or write a blog post announcing your victim to the curse.

Tonight, I went way deeper than usual, and the "push" felt way stronger than ever before. Afterwards I was incredibly horny (and still am). An hour teasing session and some YouPorn didn't bring me near the edge. And now I'm writing this post - as per the curse, though I've never considered doing so before.

Maybe it's the last point that's the most telling. It seems the cures is finally sinking into my subconscious; and I'm finally accepting it, allowing it to work on me. In fact I'm intensely horny right now, oh so incredibly aroused .. about 4 hours later .. yet what I want to do most is listen to that damn file again! ...

Even if I can hold out a few days .. teasing myself and not cumming .. it will be a first step towards my real "goal". I suppose all too soon I will be on here begging for permission for release. If only to complete the curse and set the new pattern, after which the curse will only grow stronger.

I'm sure I will regret writing this soon enough. But in my current frenzied state of mind, I secretly hope having to ask the first time is a bit humiliating and degrading. Might be an exciting change.

For now at least, it seems I'm captive to Cal's Curse.