Gosh, it's been like half a month since my last update I guess - sorry for the delay on replies & everything. I was actually cracking up upon reading some of the PMs/comments ("Get a boob job yet?") ~ I don't think that sort of stuff actually happens ~that fast~! XD

After my last update, I think I went on as a bimbo for another few days, but I've regained a lot of my composure for the majority of February. I probably only even remembered about posting because I slipped back a little yesterday. XD

Valentines....damn, now that I think about it, that was probably what set me off again.....was BAD & lonely. There is a ton of chaos at home for the moment (people moving, job-searching, etc), so I have not had any good chances to go out and be social. I wound up ~attempting~ to pleasure myself when everyone else was out for a bit yesterday. It was going just fine until the end - the feeling was building up nicely, then it just DIED....like, totally cold in an instant. I can vaguely remember being in one of those "pink/bimbo hazes" for a few hours afterward too.

My sister has actually been using my MP3 player, so I had to clean my files out of it a week ago. Even though I've generally been in complete control of myself for the last two weeks or so, I've caught random thoughts or programming zipping across my mind for a few seconds now & then. I firmly believe at this point that I need a bit of a relentless partner to help cement the programming into me with sex & all that, otherwise its gotten to the point that daily life suppresses it whether I want it to or not. I know I'm happier when I've lost myself to the pleasure than I am when I'm in control at this point.

I'm very sure now that the right guy & lots of sex will probably (wow, firing off "sex" in my head is causing a bunch of bimbo-y voices to start going off) make stuff permanent. I have SOOO many regrets over how much attention I gave (on my behalf or at the request of my parents) my education - I've done some awesome stuff over the last few years......shot a small/fun education-y film, went to a few raves, dated around a bit (I know there was a few nights somewhere in there that I'm a little foggy on due to drinking or tiredness)........the problem is that I know I could have done more. My ~usual~ reply to "Hey, wanna do something tonight?" almost always wound me up alone & studying.

I've known for a while now that the files can work, so I guess my goal at this point is to somehow get myself into a situation where I can get them to be more permanent & wash away my current boring self......I'd like 24/7 pleasure over 24/7 stress over failing any day.