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izatga88's Recent Entries

BAD Night

by izatga88

Let's see....my last comment.....so I think it was yesterday morning that I didn't comment on. I went to bed two nights ago and was suddenly perfectly fine. No idea why, but I DIDN'T CARE anymore - thoughts of being a slutty bimbo were swimming around in my mind, yet they weren't affecting me in the slightest.....so I went to bed nice & peacefully~!

I got up yesterday nice and relaxed, messed around a bit at home, then got fixed up and went out for the night. I was actually supposed to head over to a guy's house & do mixed drinks, but that got canceled - I went out with my family and had a great time instead. :D

We got home, relaxed, and everyone else went to bed around 1am. I figured I shouldn't stay up too late myself, so I went into the bathroom to remove my makeup & clean before hopping under my sheets.......and things went horribly wrong from this point on.

I thought I was fine at first - walked to my bed, pulled back the sheets, unhooked my bra, straightened my hair.......WALKED OVER TO THE PORTABLE PLAYER ON MY SHELF.......and at that moment, I realised I had NO control of my body whatsoever. I was watching EVERYTHING, but couldn't......I dunno.....will myself to stop or move or do something differently.

I grabbed the portable player from my shelf, plugged in the charger, and put the headphones on as I slid under the covers. I was just lying there....freaking out about what just happened. I reasoned that I could use it to browse the internet for a while, but ultimately, I couldn't wrestle complete control & KNEW that I'd be tranced and slutty by morning at that point.

I spent....probably 30 minutes browsing the web.....in a panic that the moment I was done, the programming would start. As I was wrapping up my website-viewing for the night, I saw an ad for that new movie out with Zac Efron - it seemed SO romantic. I remembered at that moment that I REALLY want to find someone I could truly be in a romantic relationship with.....that I'd really rather not be some guy's glorified sex doll to play with.

I managed to wrestle enough control to shut the player off, but was lying there for the next while arguing with MYSELF to take the headphones off & go to sleep. I literally started hearing voices & someone calling my name - not getting subconscious suggestions, but HEARING my name like 3 times or so........it was the most bizarre thing EVER. ~Finally~ (and I almost yelled this & woke everyone else up) I FIRMLY told myself that the hypnosis effect was "all in my head", and that I DID NOT want to listen to programming. With this, I was ~finally~ able to get up and put the player back on the shelf.

It was 3am at that point. After I got back into bed, I was lying there thinking that no matter how hard I was trying, I can't argue at all that the hypnosis is "just in my head" and fake or anything......it really is running rampant through my brain and slowly gaining more control each night. I got up about an hour ago now, and.....I feel a little emotionless after last night. I KNOW I said I wanted a romantic relationship while I was near tears, but now I can barely remember that feeling.....

Anyways, I'm still.....myself I guess, but......honestly.....I'm just floored that I was able to do this to myself. Had someone thrown me into this with evil intent rather than me experimenting of my own choice, I'd be their personal bimbo porn-star right now.....and I can tell that even going it alone, I'm slowly working my way there subconsciously. I might need to bring my sister in to this for help.....I don't know what to do at this point.

Comments

- BillionSix

Wow. I am starting to get worried for you. Seriously. I can tell you are conflicted. There must be some part of you that really really wants this, or your mind would have rejected it out of hand, and wouldn't have started in the first place. But at the same time, there is a big part of you that really really doesn't want this. The question is: Why do you still have the mp3 ready to be listened to. Erase them. Now. Make it so you have to go through the trouble of downloading them and putting them in a file if you need to listen. Part of you really wants this, so is making it easy for you to cave even though your conscious mind is rebelling.

- Fjm

I'm starting to get worried for you! 1. Download and listen to the general deprogramming file "Peace of mind" by I.Valentine: http://tinyurl.com/yhtcpuv 2. Write down the titles of the bimbo files (you need to have a record of what you've put in your head) and ERASE them from your media player and PC. NOW. If you can't have your sister erase them please. 3. You may order a custom bimbo-slut deprogramming file from EMG or Cardigan: http://tinyurl.com/6rxpgjt 4. Get professional help: you may pay an hypnotist and get some live deprogramming sessions. 5. You may also write a custom deprogramming file yourself using a free text-to-speech program such as Balabolka: http://tinyurl.com/aae6nt Talking about "this" with your sister may be a good idea.

- izatga88

I'd sooner either have my sister assist me or go see a hypo-therapist. The largest issue, and I mentioned this in my 3/11 update, is that I'm HEAVILY under the influence of a command that WILL NOT let me remove my files or do ~anything~ to directly sabotage them.

I actually tried to delete them once before, and the results left me horny on the floor and wanting cock......part of the idea was to remove my will to pull the experiment if I was getting bored with it, and in fact replace those thoughts with a stronger desire to submit to the programming (I'm even starting to get hot typing this....because I'm thinking about it).

It's been months since I added this in (and was in a bit of a horny daze and thought it was a "good idea" to add & reinforce the file loop) - I'm conditioned enough now that.....to do anything like delete my files would equate to burning my checkbook & money or something.....I just cannot do it alone.....

- Fjm

Yes, definitely see a good hypno-therapist. Good luck.

- zapnosis

Also avoid late nights and thinking too much about the effects you have been feeling. Honestly it is much easier if you try to keep your mind off it, at least until you get help.

- lexxstrum

While I started reading (and loving) your journal entries because of the hotness of the content, I am now seriously concerned for you. I am worried that sooner or later you are going to break, and then the program created "you" will be the only one left. The poster above that gave suggestions on what to do seems to have an idea of what you can do to free yourself, and this all seems mostly out of my depth. Have you thought about hiding, loseing or even breaking your player? I know that file keeps you from deleting, but does it keep you from removing the player from the equation? If it helps, you seem to have a few people in your corner. I'd offer you more help, but I'm afraid I might not be the most objective person for this. Oh, and don't listen to Zhtsp. Ever.

- izatga88

The fact that my player is worth over $200 is keeping me from breaking it.

- rw789

Could put the player in your sister's room some place that would still be accessible but would deter you from fetching it in the middle of the night.

- duality99

Read your 3-11 journal entry. Noticed it said you can't remove the programming itself. What if you got someone to just remove the suggestion that you can't remove the programming? Or in other words just remove #3. Either way sounds like what you are struggling with is an addiction.

- VeryGnawty

Get someone else to help you. It looks like you've trapped yourself where attempting to remove the hypnosis makes it worse. We've had problems in the past with hypnotic effects which are difficult to eliminate. These things can seriously fuck up your life, which is why we are much more cautious with hypnosis now, especially with self-reinforcing loops.

- izatga88

Gnawty ~ I know now that all of this is nothing to sneeze at. I never actually thought that the files would be as effective as they are, so everything I've ever used is a "curse" file.

Just before dinner here, I actually completely lost control, but I could also feel my mind slipping - I was starting to think like a bimbo (or "not think" XD) and was about to completely lose it when my Mom yelled over to my room and asked me to help with something.

I don't know if I ~would~ call this situation an "addiction". Sure, the wanting for sex and the files on my player might be a kind of addiction, but.......I think the problem is a bit deeper than that - I actually chipped away at my sense of self. I could stop everything cold turkey, but that wouldn't change the fact that half of me thrives as a strong, educated woman, and the other as an airhead hell-bent on filming porn.

What sucks is that while I'm genuinely terrified and would like to remain a normal, loving person, I'm extremely turned on by the thought of not having to think for myself anymore.....to just spread my legs and feel good all the time for the rest of my life. The line between my ~actual~ sexual desires and the thoughts that were conditioned into me........blurred at some point & is edging closer and closer to me as the days go on - am I smart, yet turned on by being a bimbo, or am I really the bimbo & just pretending to be smart?

I can still answer that question with a fair amount of effort, but it's been getting harder. Y'know, now that I think about it, listening to the files will really only give me sexual release to some extent. The underlying problem is that they've ALREADY done their damage, and my self image has been twisted.

- nativedragon

IZ i've been worried about you since your 3/11 post and have been attempting to get you to slack off of the files and it saddens me it's gotten so bad but if you ever want help do not hesitate to message me as i hate seeing my friends suffer =/

- duality99

The only reason I'd call it an addiction is because you want it on some level, but you know it's not good for you. Understandable because sex is huge source of pleasure for people. It's not only addiction to the files and sex itself, but you are addicted to the idea of being a mindless bimbo. I don't believe you have done permanent damage to your self, you just need things sorted out. Quit listening to the files and see a hypnotherapist ASAP if you truly don't want it. Readings some of what you posted I see a lot of worry and anxiety about slipping over the edge permanently. This won't happen because you are in control. All those suggestions you put in your head are your own suggestions. It's all self hypnosis. Even if it seems like it's out of your control, you pretty much have a final say in the matter.

- ztshp

RW789 that is a horrible Idea about leaveing it in her sis's room do we really need to talk about what will happen if her sister decides to listen to it even once, and IZ your making me hot and majorly worrying me at the same time, believe in yourself

- Lord_Of_The_Unreal

This is What i mean when I say humans are stupid but you need help talk with me if you can i'm researching all i can to help people like you who get trapped like that all i want to do is speak with you my friend tell me what is going on and ill help you how ever i can i an expercienced hypnotist in this area

- ztshp

No, go to darkontarda he will get this fixed, I hope others will vouch for him but he is a good guy

- Robert314

I've been following along on your journal for a while (what you've been doing to yourself is kind of a fantasy of mine, with a gender-swap added in since I'm male) and never commented, but just wanted to go along with everyone else and tell you to GET HELP. At the very least you obviously need some time right now to reevaluate what you want, and you can't do that unless you have a clear head. As embarrassing as it would be, getting your sister's help might be the most effective. She can do the most to keep you from listening, and even the embarrassment of admitting all this to her might help you resist. Even if you absolutely can't go to her, probably you should not go to whoever Ztshp is recommending, but find a hypnotherapist or at the very least someone on here you've talked to before and consider a friend and really trust to help with this. I'd offer to help myself but it would be a REALLY BAD idea if you accepted...not because I'd be unethical but because you don't know anything about me.

Good luck recovering from this. You obviously have a very strong mind or you wouldn't have managed to push yourself so far in a direction you're not entirely comfortable with. I'm confident you can control yourself, but it will be much much easier with help.

- Mr_I

Hi there. Like a few others, I'm here to say I was creepily stalking this journal because it appealed to my fetish. And, like others, I feel some kind of connection to help you get through this. I can't say I had it quite as badly as you did, but there was definitely a time where I had voices echoing in my head. Y'know, the kind that tell you to submit to mindless pleasure, that becoming a girly girl (and focusing on becoming the "girl" part, in my case) and spreading 'em for the rest of ever would be a good thing... those kinds. Still, I understand the kind of failings of control that you're having. The limited thing that helped me, at least, is thinking about what could be abandoned by just giving in to mindless pleasure. The 'bimbo' personality is, at heart, seen as something positive - something that ignores the stresses of life and simply indulges, not being inherently wrong, just being too dumb to see any downsides. What I did to combat it was think of a person or character that I personally love or feel an attachment to as a bimbo. I was able to repulse myself away from the concept, thinking of something I'm legitimately invested in losing the characteristics that I personally loved about that person. I know it's not exactly a complete detachment from file programming, but you can, at least, create kind of a mental resistance and emotional protection against it. The only real way out of this, from my experience, is to fight or scare it out. I mean, I still love the fetish of dumbing down and whatnot, but I just can't do it to myself anymore - I have things to do and people to see, as opposed to the other way around. Eventually, this does subside. Files and whatnot stop being the crux and important part of your life. It will improve. I wish you all the best in your recovery.

- izatga88

Gosh, so many comments! Thanks to everyone's suggestions and stuff (and in particular, Zapnosis and Duality99) I think I have a plan to work out & fix this. I'll try to post a new entry tomorrow & update you all on how well it's working - it's looking VERY promising for now.

- Guuliar

You cannot brute force your way out of conditioning. That's why so many people fail at breaking their addictions. I think I might have figured something out though, #3 seems to be affecting you in ways you weren't hoping for. It's possible that the way it's worded or something, something in your subconscious might have clicked to think that all resistance to the files and efforts to de-condition yourself might activate that command.

Your mind is a subtle thing and as such you cannot force it to change. You have to come in sideways and even along side it to win, but never fully against it even if that is your intention. That's the way hypnosis works. By working alongside your subconscious.

First solution is of course to find a professional hypnotherapist, but that might be associated with a kill all file, or de-conditioning. So it's the most direct, practical, and probably still your best solution. Still, be careful. Your mind should still be able to let the new hypnotic commands to work alongside your mind.

Second solution is to come in from the sides. Other forms of resistance that aren't exactly directly against your conditioned side but that still affect it. High levels of work related stress for instance will actually kill your sex drive even though the best way to release that stress is through sexual activity. That would likely only be trading one habit for another though.

Another way to come in sideways is to put yourself in a new environment of which your not comfortable. New cultures or new places are a common and good place to start. They have figured out that many conditioned states and habits are part of your environment. Part of your auto-pilot, but when you are taken out of that environment your auto-pilot has to reprogram itself. Did you know when you go on vacation on a new location, you'll brush your teeth and tie your shoes differently? You'll also brush your teeth and tie your shoes the exact same way as before when you remain in the same environment. Sometimes affecting those small habits can affect larger conditioned states as well. Take yourself out of your element and change the way you brush your teeth, change the way you go about your daily routine and change some of the small habits.

This brings me to the last solution. These are all theory by the way, but only theory supported by what I have learned and observed from standard behavior. It is possible that your conditioned state is due to some form of spiritual longing. Maybe your desire for loss of control is due to that spiritual longing. This behavior is common among young adolescent adults who normally try drugs in order to loose themselves, but the most appealing are the ones that offer some sort of positive benefit. Something spiritual. This will also work along side your programming as you try to find the right outlet for it. It also goes into habits and conditioned responses that many habits are not formed because of the positive feedback that you think your getting. You might not get cookies because they taste good, but you crave something that used to be associated with cookies. Some experience or interaction, or maybe a missed memory whenever you eat cookies. I hope you can understand what I mean by this.

It was discovered that if you conditioned a crane to put their heads under their wing before they get a treat, they would continue to put their heads under their wing up to 100 times to get a treat when they did not get any. At 99 times if they gave the treat, the count would restart. Still, all this is theory, and I'm not a professional. Take this advice with a grain of salt and maybe do some of your own research into these subjects. ^_^

I hope this helps though, and you can gain control soon. BE CAREFUL trying to force your way through things, and try to figure out a more subtle way to bring yourself out of something than forceful resistance. You don't want to create a separate part of you that's alienated from or disassociated from yourself. That's how D.I.D. is formed, or at least from my understanding. Work with your side, and maybe try to show it that there's more to pleasure than just mindless sexual pleasure which is an ugly pink and maybe an ugly bright yellow as well. The mind loves colors, try to find new ones.

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