It's funny.....I worked myself to the point that I lost so much control & was scared because of it, yet now that I've worked in a way to ~always~ "have a way out" or rather, take control back if absolutely necessary, I'm not.....I guess I'm not exactly making use of it.

I mean, a fair part of all this is in my head/I want it deep down/may even be placing too much stock into it, but that doesn't change the fact that my brain is seriously frying at this pint - at a moments notice, I lose the ability to use big words, think logically, or do anything a "normal" person might be required to do as mental work without freezing up and looking like I'm clueless.

Even now, it's like my "inner self" is thinking & typing to the best of my ability, yet the.....real me(?) is giggling over how horny she is and that this doesn't make sense.....the words make me tired........it gets even harder to think & type......

I didn't notice it at first, but even my mum has started (jokingly?) calling me an airhead over the last few days.....instead of offending me as it would have in the past......I feel like giggling and "taking it" seems like the right thing to do......I know that doesn't sound right, but I can't get it out of my thoughts. On top of that, the acknowledgment triggers some of the programming to run through my mind.

It just feels so weird.....I know I have permission to stop this if I start to get uncomfortable, yet giving in to the suggestions feels so easy, and I don't mind doing it now since I know I have an "eject button" - like complying & obeying is what I was born to do. All this time, I think I've been waiting to anything permanent/serious with another person because I want things to be perfect......gosh......I find that I actually wouldn't mind even posting a topless shot of myself now if I was to ever get work done.......

I can probably start turning myself into a beautiful "artificial bimbo pornstar" towards the end of this year if I save up enough money........the thought of becoming a living sex toy is actually.....comforting I think - so long as everything is ready & perfect with my looks.