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izatga88's Recent Entries

NEVER Again

by izatga88

The job hunt is starting to get a bit better, I may actually have something locked down....this week was otherwise VERY bad (sorry for the slight delay in posting).

I got into a nasty fight with some of my family and I'm pretty sure that now is otherwise a good time to get my own living space. The mood as of late....I guees we aren't on speaking terms for the moment. I was so upset that the same night everything happened, I went out with friends and got myself sooo wasted that I probably bordered alcohol poisoning. I have never actually been totally drunk before, as I can hold a surprising amount of drinks despite being a tiny person.

I was a mess & hung over for two days after that....very sick. My friends checked up on me the next morning....they mentioned it was funny seeing me drunk at first, but then it started turning rather sad & pathetic. I don't think I've ever felt that sick.

That aside, I've been trying to get some of the harder-core programming undone to keep myself sane. I made the mistake of thinking I was free to delete my MP3s from my player, but all that's done is triggered a panic since I'm isolated from my files. I've been over everything so many times that my head replays EVERYTHING the second I hit my pillow at night. I technically feel 120% like I did before I started playing around in my head, but now it's like....like I'm going insane or something....I CANNOT stop feeling like I NEED to be nothing more than a helpless dripping pussy - I'm legitimately starting to wonder if I can shut off the desire to nuke my mind without outside help.

That's about it. Hopefully I'll have a secure job shortly, and I'll try to keep my pants/sanity on me.

Comments

- gorgomctavish

Here are a few comments, which you may take or leave at will.
First, programming is learning. And the way the human mind works makes it very hard if not impossible to "unlearn" anything. What IS possible is to learn MORE, and add new complexities and refinements to your "education" that will enable you to function sucessfully and happily.
Second, you are in a conflict. literally a fight with yourself. There's a part of you that, even before you started programming yourself, which yearned and craved the sexual liberation and loss of control the programming brought you. The programming, naturally, enhanced that aspect of yourself. And there is a part of you which knows that for your survival you need physical and financial safety. That part recently got "jolted" into dominance because of your computer accident. Currently those two parts of your personailty, those two "Izas" are at odds with eachother since it seems their goals are contradictory.
But here is the funny thing: they are NOT contradictory, and there is absolutely no reason for the conflict. Both sides of you can work together and help you achieve great progress on either side's goals, much more powerfully and easily then when they work against each other.
For example - the SLUT in you can actually HELP you become more financely secure. if you use your feminine wiles in a timely and measured way during work interviews and in the work environment, it will make it actually EASIER to get jobs and promotions. Not to mention that if you do it discretely, you can use sex to make money directly - no need to be an actual WHORE for that, there are ample oppurtunities as a stripper or a webcam girl, for example. Of course, to make it work both sides of you NEED to work together - while the SLUT needs to supply the raw sexuality, your smarter side needs to be there for the buisness savvy and safety concerns.
And on the flip side - your SMARTER side can help you get LAYED, can help you SATISFY your needs. As I'm sure you noticed, many many guys actually find the whole bimbo thing to be a bit of a turnoff. its called the "Madona/Whore complex", read about it if you like (damn freud). However, the sheer erotic contrast of a girl who is perfectly inteligent and "civilized" in public yet turns into an absolute sex kitten in private is practically IRRESISTBLE to almost every guy. Again, if your SMART side and your SLUT side can work together - you WILL get fucked, and you WILL be able to do it safely.
Anyhow, what you really need is to resolve the conflict. That, admittingly, can be a little tricky to do with tapes and such - you probably need to actually work with someone who has knowledge of the adequate theraputic approach (hypnotic Parts therapy and Gestalt can be very effective in such things) yet is comfortable with the whole kinky side of things. Or, you can simply allow yourself to have a long, honest talk with yourself.
"With all its shams, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy" - Desiderata, Max Ehrmann

- Plaat

Withdrawn is a slow process, I believe you will recover, in the meantime, take solace your job shopping is doing better than mine. And I don't question my sanity at all!! Your highs and lows are normal, take things slow and when your awake focus on whats in front of you. I my view the forced, walking sex toy without a will is sad an pathetic, despite the process of being made one is a turn on, but the sexiness leaves when you can't turn it off.

- Guuliar

sanity is a matter of perspective. What's insane to one person in normal for another. You can get through this Iz. Still wish you went with some lesbian files though O.o

- izatga88

I actually came to a realisation last night. I blurted out in conversation exactly that "I'm not bi or anything, but I'd totally ~do~ another girl if she wanted it".

I guess the bimbo stuff can be shoved aside a bit since I'm naturally the exact opposite, but the SLUT programming and other reinforcements are still stuck on me. There comes a point where having been extremely sensitive and horny-as-hell & unable to orgasm alone leaves me not functioning after 48 hours of torture.

- Big_Mamba

I see your big wanting to be a slutbimbo, but you are ashamed of yourself. Dont be, the more you deny you true cravings, the more its gonna hurt and the more you are going to dive into them once you cant hold back. The more you listen to your craving and the less you get inhibited by your "being a bimbo is bad"-resistance, the more you life will thrive. Maybe you should get a job or a rich guy that approves of your bimboness. Some to care for you financial security so you can be as bimboish as you ever wanted

- Big_Mamba

oh and what I forgot : Get a trigger that lets you in control generally, but makes you a bimbo for a LIMITED time. Integrate that role of a bimbo and give it its place instead of being unable to manage the rest of your life The wanting to be a bimbo should be limited to you bimbo time and the bimbo time should be limited to a time where you can allow yourself to be one. Maybe you should meditate every day a little bit to get free of those fears and undrestricted needs.

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