(I wanted to update last night but I wasn't able to get to my PC for it.)

Stuff as of late has been going smoothly....slowly saving up funds and trying to keep up with house cleaning over the holidays. Money's been tight enough that I passed on doing anything with costumes this year, but Halloween has otherwise been great. Hopefully everyone reading is having a good time too ~

Soooo....on the subject of files & personality stuff, I've been keeping myself occupied and am still trying to organise a lot of the stuff floating around in my head. As I've mentioned in recent posts, things have been feeling good and going well.

.....until last night. I don't know what the hell happened. I had the house to myself, so I obviously took that chance to have some fun. Everything started out great - "Wow, I can't believe he can fit that in her" & other usual stuff.....but when I went to go clean up ~afterward~, things started going weird on me.

Looking back on it now, I can remember last night fairly well, but at the time, I realised upon moving to the bathroom to wash that something was VERY wrong. If ya'll will recall from quite a while back, I'd mentioned previously that the little voice in the back of my head usually was skeptic enough to bring me back to reality more often than not. Over time, I guess I've gotten better at tuning it out to have my fun for a while - but I'd never been able to commit to anything legitimately ~permanent~ since something would always snap me out of it at some point. Last night however, that little voice was GONE. I seriously don't know what caused it, and it all happened so fast, but I noticed that there wasn't a single thought in my head that was anti-programming.

My head started feeling....foggy? Fuzzy? The horrific realisation dawned on me that I could not even remember who I was! O_O I quickly descended into a panic attack as I ~literally~ felt my mind start to slip away. I started trying (with no success) to try and reason as to what was going on, but this made things worse since I started having trouble forming large words......so I switched to math.......and that devolved into basic 2+2 junk. The only thing left in me that I could remember about myself was all the bimbo programming I put in my head at that point, I started uncontrollably blurting out random junk & giggling like an idiot - I knew something was totally not right about what was going on, but I ultimately wound up unable to comprehend anything and was left to orgasm some pleasure out of myself for a lot of the remaining evening.

My sister came home late, at which point my head was still flying around the room. I'm seriously hoping she did not notice anything "off" about me, but everything going on last night felt like a second person was controlling me or something.

I'm now seriously worried. I'm left wondering just how much control I actually have over all of this. I'm quickly approaching 1 whole year of having experimented on myself with bimbo hypnosis & brainwashing, and there are little hints peeking out here & there that I might have actually done more to mess myself up than I realise. For example, I previously mentioned about my writing getting a bit bad. I've been having IMMENSE amounts of trouble working all of this in my head and typing it right now. My sister even yelled at me last week about being disgusted with me for acting like some dumb bimbo as of late....and for the entire last year. After last night....I feel a bit lost.

On the one hand, I started experimenting because it seemed exciting, and losing control of my desires and being someone else's toy is fairly hot since I usually scare guys away with my big brain & sour attitude (not actually figuring any hypnosis would actually work at the time). And while one part of me thinks all of that is hot & fun, there is another part of me that is highly insulted by guys that treat women as objects......there are moments I hate myself for taking pleasure in all that sort of situation. I have to wonder then if last night's breakdown and loss of memory about my identity had to do with some of the conflicting feelings I have floating around in me. Either way, it's been proven to me through my actions, my work, and the people around me that I'm turning into a different and bimbo-esque person as more & more time passes......whether I'm actively aware of it or not (stuff just feels "normal" to me as I experience it day-to-day, so gradual changes never jump out at me).

I....still have a weird fear of a "Delete all" file, but I'm 200% I need to see a therapist soon, or I'm going to be too far gone to actually function outside of bimboland.

That about wraps up my update this time. Sleeping has helped clear my head a bit since last night's episode, but anything sexual now immediately fogs my mind up and gets me giggling.....typing all this was HARD......reading it back is confusing. Regardless, the holiday is going great, and I wish everyone else happy holidays as well!