Honestly, it's very frustrating. I just stayed up all night sick & depressed (possible food poisoning for the sick part). If outright asked today, I'd probably compare my actions over the last year to that of a drugged-up whore.....it becomes more and more noticeable as each day passes just how much sharper I am mentally now than I had been under the use of all my brainwashing & conditioning experiments. But - even though I can blaze through any work I'm given with extreme speed & ease at this point, I'm also remembering why I was so interested in turning myself into a less-intelligent & more sexually-open person than I currently am.

I feel like my defenses are up 24/7 now. Stress from work....other people....worrying about money & personal health.....it's not that I can't handle them, it's just that I don't really have anyone to turn to for comfort. To put it to illustration, I feel like I'm being expected to fight a war - one I probably can't win - all by my lonesome & with nobody to count on for tactics or aid. I certainly have the required skillsets and the mentality to get the job done, but in the event I come across some innocent during the course of this "warring", I'm much safer to treat them as hostile than accept them as an ally that could shoot me when I'm not looking. .....that's really not that great a way to be living is it?

I've about hit that limit of how long I can go without doing anything to satisfy the "curse" part of the programming too. I went completely wild on myself in the shower....everything was sore afterward..... I actually completely geared up all of my equipment to work me over for sleep and the morning after, but never motivated myself to do anything with it last night.....I just sat on the couch unable to sleep or really do anything. I certainly have a sort of "respect" for things like drugs & alcohol at this point - though I'd never use them and risk screwing my body up, I know that using them as an escape in the way that some people do is really no different than me wanting to re-program myself to just not care about that sort of stuff anymore......and it's already worked really well too. What point is there in being smart and hard-working when there are certainly people out there that get by on much less than even that? At the very least, even if it isn't the most safe or productive way to live, not really having to worry about life's stresses and only being concerned about other people & pleasure is certainly a lot less painful (or......it is for me).

I hate that I even have a desire to go back to floating around with my tits jiggling and ass hanging out in everyone's faces for some sort of (emotional) security, but in light of all the stress and frustration I'm facing without even a single person to hug me when I'm in low spirits, I can't shake the desire to turn myself into someone that guys would bend-over-backwards to be with.....no worrying about over-complicated relationship BS - just accepting that I'm a sex toy and finding someone that only really needs me around to look pretty + keep them feeling good.

I know I'll end up running my loop soon at least - I have to.....it's the only thing that keeps everything in check. Even in my darkest, most loneliest moments, I know that the potential to modify myself into a "better" person exists, thus I can keep pushing forward and eventually overcome any distress I may be feeling. I think that's why I fear "Deprogram All" kind of stuff.....with everything removed, there really isn't much left to me at this point that would keep me going. I could certainly just shut up......go out and do something with the intent of making my life better, but it's hard to find enjoyment or meaning in anything when there's nobody around to share joy or experiences with.