This is such a bizarre experience. My mind feels totally clear now. I've been back on point.....writing, working..... As it has been in the past, it feels like the last couple days I'd had since getting my player running again and giving in to ecstasy has otherwise cleansed my system. Sex is more or less the farthest thing from my mind at this point. Also on schedule are the thoughts that I probably shouldn't have done this to myself.

Even in this state, I can still tell.....I'm having trouble controlling the secondary effects of all this bimbo-washing. I can blaze through any work/chores with ease at the moment, but things like all of the giggling and trouble with big words....spelling....those are the most noticeable, and I'm otherwise hopeless to stop them at this point (I can only guess at the number of other things that have slipped past my noticing). They are such a.....reflex(?)/habit(?) now that it's not even a matter of them "accidentally" slipping into my native mannerisms. There's a fair chance that by the end of next month, everything will just blend together and I'll forget to even try and stop any of it during the day & when I'm out - I'm already just so helpless to shut it all off.

I think I cant really avoid it any longer. The fact is, I've been trying to ignore it, but I'm 100% certain that I'm addicted to everything. To some extent, my life and choices aren't entirely mine any more - if I even tried to ignore any of the programming I've subjected myself to for a length of time, everything (my mind? body?) flips out and I'm consumed with sexual urges. Doing anything other than obeying my previously conditioned instructions causes me to lose my conscious ability to interact with others or make informed choices. I'll wake up sometimes now with holes in my memory.....no idea why. There's obviously no way that it's a good thing, and it further drives the point home that I'm not in control of myself anymore - the "toys" I've used for pleasure are.

Actually, I almost forgot I wouldn't mind having a nice wedding & family some day......I've been so consumed with turning myself into a sex doll that my mind starts arguing with itself over the two subjects (you cant exactly be as air-headed as I've turned & expect to be able to take care of a kid). I'm too addicted - the pleasure is just so good when it comes, and there's nothing in life that compares to it.......thus I cant convince myself to stop.....even if I tried, the programming takes over, shuts of my ability to think and reason, and I cant help but orgasm until the urge finally goes away.

I used to think that giving blow jobs was disgusting, but even just the ~thought~ of them now gets me dripping wet with anticipation. I used to be terrified of the concept of anything anal, yet I've been finding that it can be just as pleasurable as vanilla alternatives......my mind wanders now to having both of my holes filled while I suck someone off, and it's not even unsettling to me anymore.....other than the faint memory that I never used to think that way. That person is pretty much gone now - I could arguably spend all day fucking and letting my brain explode so long as I had a guy that could keep up with me.

Enough rambling for now. I probably bore the hell out of everyone when I second-guess myself like this. At the end of the day, my will is broken and I have no intent on stopping anything - no matter the eventual consequences. In the matter of one year, I've cemented the fact that I NEED guys to be cumming their brains out at the sight of my body.....then giving them the courtesy of sucking them off. I'm addicted? Going Crazy? All I know is that I have to keep being a good girl & obey, and then I'll get rewarded with pleasure - nothing else matters, and finding a guy to insert into my life (and mouth/pussy) will only cement me further into this state I'm in if I were to find someone that I felt I could trust.

The fact still remains, I'm still tiny, cute, and insecure with a lot of things - it will be a while before my body represents & advertises the knockout I envision myself to become. Only then will my confidence in myself rival my urges for all things sex.