Sorry again for the bit of a break. I've been feeling a bit...."off" & I'm not sure what's causing it. I've also been having to pull a few "all-nighters" between doing a bit of work & partying with friends and family (I'm close to passing out right now). Before I get going with the rest of my post, I should note that I have not heard anything since my last update - she hasn't sent me any texts, and I'm still a bit too shell shocked to think of anything to say to her. I have to admit though, if she were to just show up at my place and start in on me, I don't think I could resist it.....but I'm not going out of my way to go over there just to fool around.

So ya.....I actually met two guys over the last week. One is insanely shallow and annoying, but throws his money around (yay~). The other guy is actually fun to talk to, but so far seems a little quiet & shy (I'm not a fan of that in a guy). It's only been casual/social stuff, nothing extreme and physical.....I'm just not "feeling it" with either of them. It was nice at least. I've been in full control of myself for the entire week and it's been nice to be able to think straight & hold intelligent conversations. I got to thinking a few nights ago.....the whole bimbo thing & the airheaded stuff is annoying and slows me down. It's refreshing to experience things, especially just plain/simple attraction to someone like any other normal person would. Being overly-dumb gets exhausting after a while, but it feels like I'm trapped or something when it does happen......kind of stressful.

Yesterday and today.....I've been making plans with my best friend from college to go out to a club later this week. My sister actually saw one of our text conversations on my phone, and had been teasing the hell out of me over the fact that my friend is seriously an "annoying bimbo" herself, that it seems like everything she says is pointless and airheaded (I'm almost positive I've mentioned her in other posts before too - I'm too lazy to find which ones). I always figured she was just bright & cheery in college......but she never acts as if she is aware she's dressing slutty, and you could probably bash her on the head with something & she wouldn't even blink (there's nothing there)......I really cant disagree that she's a bimbo herself when I stop and consider everything.

I obviously would agree to fuck someone's brains out forever under the right circumstances, but I'm not so sure how I feel these days about losing my intelligence. It's getting harder and harder to ignore too - I can be the farthest thing from horny as of late, but I'm becoming notorious around everyone that knows me for being an airheaded scatterbrain. The texting my sister noticed, especially tonight.....she must have mentioned my friend and me being bimbos together about 10 times or more......it makes it so much harder to "be normal" whenever she does that (I still have not said anything to her). I feel like I cant escape it.....I'm already having trouble even identifying that something is wrong.....it feels like I won't even be self-aware anymore sometime soon if this keeps up. Actually, I'm DEFINITELY just panicking here, but since I feel too sluggish & tired to be horny, the bimbo stuff isn't getting me turned on like it usually does. For now......at least tonight.....I know I'm slowly changing & no longer have control over it, and I'm scared because I'm almost too far gone to stop it. ......if I even consider attempting a "deprogram all", I start to cry, feel sick, and it feels like I'm seriously going to die or something. Very scary.