Hmmm. An interesting week-and-a-bit. The break was absolutely necessary, the announcement of it perhaps less so... but I was feeling a bit emotional at the time. One thing I have learned is that I absolutely love the mind control scene and that it'll be a long time until I quit it for good. Second thing, I have been looking back far too much at what I've already done which has left me unable to look at what's coming up. I'm not sure that this understanding will help my procrastination problem at all, but I'm happier for it... so I'm back!

But there is another thing I have learned about myself. I have always been very proud, independent, individualistic and stubborn, all to a fault I’m sure. But when I experienced brainwashing with the SCUM file, it weakened my resolve to the point when I could just accept life as I found it. This made living my modest lifestyle very easy. I’m not sure how to explain this feeling. My employment does not satisfy my appetite for occupation, not even close, not even half-way to close. But with my self-esteem and independence completely shot, living this way became easy. This feeling is VERY hard to let go of because I know that I can just accept it. But to give in to that long-term is to let down my friends and family, and myself because this is not ME. Already some important relationships have been damaged and it has taken years to repair them. It is this dilemma that has bothered me.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining. The whole reason that I started experimenting with mind control effects was because I wanted to know how deep the rabbit hole went, wherever it lead, warts and all, no argument. But I have found what I was looking for so my motivations have changed, I have recovered most of my independence and I will not give up on myself. So I must make my contribution in other ways, I have plans but I will not announce them since that would certainly be a substitute for completing them. My sincere thanks to those who have shown support. Reading back... oh dear, have I grown up???

Live long and hypnotise, Z