Today´s morning has been a little discouraging to me… I had a wonderful chance to share some time with Miss Eleanor, but somehow I wasn´t able to get into the right mindset. Even self trancing in preparation for her wasn´t as flowing as in other occasions, and I couldn´t get as deeply under as usual. I told Miss Eleanor my difficulties to focus and relax, and she was really comprehensive and supporting, advising me certain attitudes and patterns, and putting a lot of effort to get me deep under her control… But although I was completely relaxed and blanked my mind completely, just letting Miss Eleanor´s words seep into my mind, I was in a hyper conscious or hyper analytical mind state, and even when her suggestions were entering deep straight into me, the other forces in my mind were pulling in the opposite direction, preventing me from just let go. Miss Eleanor ended with a pleasure suggestion and I was aroused by it, following her instructions and cumming on command, but not being really sure if it was caused by pure conscious excitation, or it was a result of her deep conditioning to my mind.

Thinking about it, and as I said to Miss Eleanor, there is a component of inner fear that is taking me back and not letting me embrace the blankness of her absolute control which I desire so much. There is a really component of desire and sexual excitation in all this, that drives the energy and eagerness to be put under so deeply as to lose myself completely, and that is an exclusive characteristic of my submissive side, which has the will to go as deep as needed, no limits or boundaries considered, as my confidence and trust in Miss Eleanor is complete. But at the same time there is a primal fear of losing control that is profoundly embedded in my general subconscious, that creates a barrier which I must learn to take down, or at least circle around to fulfill my submissive need. And I thought I was doing good, as my experiences from the past days had been so positive… Maybe now that the audio file is strengthening its programming, some alarms are being raised in my mind, and they are causing this.... or maybe I just had a bad day, and it´s not relevant to my path to Miss Eleanor´s ownership.

Because the desires and the impulses are in here, and even writing about all this make me feel the need to be again in Miss Eleanor´s hands, and express her how much I crave her orders, and how much I have recalled those moments in the past days when I have felt completely under her power, obeying her orders even if being conscious of doing it. I just need to feed this burning need of Miss Eleanor, so the next time she summons me, all the words, all the orders, all the blankness and absolute obedience to her will strike me down and make me mindless pliable putty in her hands.  

After reporting Miss Eleanor my previous thoughts on the morning activities, we chatted for a bit, and I revealed her one of my most intimate desire and fear, both of them the same thing when considered from the point of view of the submissive subconscious or the awaken consciousness. The idea and memory of being ordered to lick my semen after cumming had been haunting me for some days, in my aroused night fantasies and in the moments when Miss Eleanor were ordering me to masturbate. All those times I felt attraction and revulsion at the same time when recalling how I obeyed her order so long ago, hoping and fearing that she would order me to do it again. And I knew that telling her my desire and fear  would only serve to deepen her control over me, using my own feelings to enslave me. And even knowing that, I told her how I was feeling. Was I provoking consciously the chance to be so aroused again, even feeling obliged to do it? Or was it my programming forcing me to be completely open to her, overriding my primal uneasiness? Maybe a little bit of them, but now it´s done, and Miss Eleanor has more power over me, willingly given by my own self.

  This evening I found myself home alone after lunch (again), and once more I listened to Miss Eleanor´s audio file. This time I didn´t even pretend I wasn´t thinking about doing it, and I just went for it. During the first listening I drifted off extensively, suddenly hearing her voice again, but not having the impression of having fell asleep, but more than the audio unpausing. I kept listening for a second time, and again all suggestions had a much more stronger effect on me, and I felt myself completely blank and mindless, just absorbing and believing her words as my new truth. The fact that I could perceive myself as mindless always brings me the question of how much deeply I was in, if I retained some consciousness and awareness of my own state. The audio finished and I stood lying on bed, blank and calmed. I imagined my arm getting lighter and lighter, feeling how it was making slightly less pressure on the mattress, but not feeling a conscious effort to raise it. When I opened my eyes, my arm was a little bit raised, only a few millimeters, but much more than I have ever been able to manage in the past when doing this. I felt quite good, knowing that the path is there as is a long one to walk properly.

Christmas is almost here: less intimacy and chances to meet Miss Eleanor or even listening to her audio file... Is quite sure I am facing some days of low or inexistent hypnotic activity, and I have to be ready for them, knowing that when everything comes back to normal (yes, I consider all of this as my "normal" life), the sensations and the programming will flood back suddenly and with more power than before.