I haven't had much time or inclination to listen to the files lately. I'm at a pretty low point in my life, a point where I know that if I'm ever going to get out of it, I need to be focused and at my best. The dumb jock fantasy is nice, but I need to make sure that that dumb jock doesn't end up living on the streets, or less dramatic and more probably, moving back home to live with his mother and having to hide his drinking, pot use, and sexual identity (she knows I'm gay, and is totally accepting, but she also knows her way around a computer and I'm not sure I would want her to find my hypno and muscle-growth fixations: too much explaining involved there).

But I never really needed the files anyway. Finding rugby has been the single most amazing event of my 20s. As much crap as I have in my life right now, rugby pulls me out of it every time, even if it's just for the couple of hours during a game or practice. I'm back at the gym, too, and it's having the same effect, giving me something positive to keep my spirits up, a way to recharge to face my day-to-day challenges.

I've been playing rugby for 11 months, now, and I'm starting to wonder how I can make the most of it. I want to reach my full potential, to do everything I can to make up for starting so late. I've been told that I probably still have a good 10 or 15 years left to play before the injuries and hardship of the sport become too much for me, and while that sometimes seems like a lot of time, it also seems like an eyeblink. I want to make the most of it.

Anyway, we have a game tomorrow, and I'm up way too late. Time for bed. I just wanted to make an update, even though it doesn't have much mindwarping going on.

Also, thanks to the people who've sent me messages and comments. I'm terrible at writing people back, but I'll try to get on that. I also hope the paragraphs thing works: I've tried the html coding before, and it didn't work at all, so maybe that was just a temporary bug. Fingers are crossed.