I am a Gemini.  I don’t really put much stock into astrology, but I do know that I am and have been of two minds my whole life.  At my core, I am indecisive.  Sometimes it feels like there are two distinct people living inside of me, but when I try to examine them their lines become indistinct and watery.  While one drives, the other heckles.  Always a backseat thinker.  Always my worst critic.

Inner conflict drives people to meditate. It’s what drew me to hypnosis, I think.  When I trance, every part of me feels a comfort that is unhindered by worry or self-loathing.  I am totally free of myself, no longer watching my life from behind my eyes but living in a moment of total, ignorant freedom.

But that doesn’t last.

I get to wishing I were a stronger person.  I feel weak for wanting an escape, but I enjoy indulging fantasies wherein I give up control.  Am I so weak-willed that I can’t live my own life?  Are my submissive impulses really rooted in low self-esteem?  Could I see myself living out these fantasies in my 30s?  40s?  (Who’s gonna want me when I’m not pretty)

You can always have fantasies I guess.

I am married.  I love my wife.  She thinks I’m pretty.  I think she’s pretty too.  We take care of each other.  Sometimes, I think we enable each other, but we’re trying not to.  We are both anxious people.  We are private and we probably won’t make it to the thing at Greg’s house later. We don’t get out much.

My wife has hormonal imbalances.  They make her gain weight and they kill her sex drive.  I'm not lying when I tell her she is still very pretty to me.  We’ve been exercising more and smoking less, which has helped.  Occasionally the sex is very good.  She doesn’t like to have the lights on though.  We both aren’t great at breaking the silence, so no one talks.  We grope in the dark under the covers and if I’m lucky I get to go down on her which is my favorite.

I feel like I would be a better husband if I were more assertive.  More outgoing.  More decisive.  Truth be told, at my core I really love to follow.  Maybe I belong on a leash.