Author's Note: This is the reposting of a journal entry that was posted originally posted a few days before I started a forums thread. I deleted it a little while ago, but after some consideration, I've decided to put it back out for the public and for those reading my forums thread. 

The forums thread is found here: https://www.warpmymind.com/phpbb/viewtopic.php?f=2&t=15916&sid=b4088f7cce9485f085f2338303ada11e#p97820

Original Text:

I'm writing this, not because I necessarily expect anything to come of it, but rather because I feel I need to get it off of my chest and out of the back of my mind, even if it is to a bunch of strangers on the internet. Besides, I'd love to hear from some others with any feedback on some of my ramblings.

Is it strange that I have started to think lately that maybe I've been depressed for so long that I have forgotten what it is like to be happy? This was a realization that I came upon fairly recently. I suppose I've always known I was unhappy, but I've always suppressed it, that knowledge; and further, I've suppressed my true self for fear of what would come if I freely expressed myself. Recently though, I've began to wonder if, or maybe realized that, maybe I've just been keeping myself from being happy? More importantly I've started to realize I want change in my life, if only I can figure out how to get what I think will make me happy.

Some time ago, I came to a realization that made me turn away from the normal dating scenes. I am weird, and I want weird things from a relationship. In fact, as I once told a friend, I've come to realize, I don't think I could be happy in a normal relationship. What I am talking about is, of course, kinks. I am kinky. I'd rather be someone's pet than someone's boyfriend! 

And this brings me to the first of the things I've come to realize that I think I'd need to gain in my life to be truly happy; I'd need to meet an owner and thus gain the ability to express my kinky side freely to someone else. Human sexuality is strange like that. But what further complicates things, as I've found, is I am not seeking a gay relationship. I don't consider myself straight, but I do think I'd prefer to be in a relationship of this kind with a woman rather than another man, unless it was with the exact right guy. Sadly, from my experience, puppy play, in the direction I want it (female owner, male or sissy pet), is rare; it is hard to find a partner for. 

It was posts on here about owner and pet searches that got me thinking in such a way that finally lead to me realizing that I too wanted to post something. I've really begun to wonder if any of the people who I've seen posting on here, seeking pets or owners, have had any luck with it? - I'd love to hear some feedback on this pondering, feel free to DM me with your own personal experiences or insights to the topic. - But, to me, putting yourself out there on the internet, and potentially giving yourself over to some stranger, no matter how kinky and exciting that is in theory, just seems desperate and dangerous. I of course mean no offense to anyone who's done it! Heck, in a way I am doing the same now. I am certainly feeling a bit lost and desperate, that is I guess, part of the point of me writing this. - I want companionship of a certain kind, and I have no idea how to find it. - It just also has me thinking, wondering, and concerned for others. 

The other thing I think I'd need to be happy, could potentially be the same thing, or rather, the same someone, a person to go do things with, to share in the world with! I love to be outdoors, hiking exploring and immersing myself in the world! - When I am not playing video games, lurking on the internet, or barking like a dog. - I never want to lose my thirst for knowledge and my curiosity about everything and my excitement at the little things in life and new experiences to be had (even if I rarely express it)! That is kind of what youth is about isn't it? And more importantly, I want someone to share it with! What fun is the world if you have to experience it alone? Why learn something if you have no one to teach it to? Why go somewhere or see something amazing if you can't show it to anyone else? 

My sister made me realize this recently. She's been going for hikes with me a lot, and I've realized she still has a naive youthfulness that I fear I've started to lose permanently and definitely had lost for a time. She reminded me how much I've missed this. Biking and hiking and exploring with someone. Getting out of the house and doing things. Living. 

But this all also has me questioning at times. Why can't life be simple? Why can't I just be someone's dog, to be cared for, to be loved and to love, to be taken on walks and bike rides and hikes, and taken to new places, to be someone's companion to explore the world with in a care free and enjoyable way? Without the restraints that I feel have been placed on me by society?

I know this isn't really the place I should be posting this. This is just a hypnofetish site. And this is something more of a personal journal entry. But I don't really know where is the correct place, and here is where I've encountered a community of people seemingly looking for some similar things to what I desire, at least with regards to my sexual side. 

Besides, I've recently been listening to some canine transformation hypnosis again, which has just been making this desire grow and this all so much worse. - And that is entirely this site's fault! ;p - Nothing permanent of course, I don't have the stability in my life to allow for that, even if part of me wonders if that isn't what I want and what that would be like.