You know… I have only really clued in to my… I don’t really know the word… not “distress”, that seems too harsh… discomfort, maybe?…

I honestly don’t even know if I will submit this, I really kind of just want to get my thoughts into words…

I was watching the olympics, and a French athlete was being discussed, his name was Michelle; I instantly remembered being in grade 4, taking French as a second language, and we were given a big book of French first names and were told told we were each to choose one that was to be our name for French class.

I remembered I was so excited about finding out that in French, Michelle is a man’s name, and of course I chose it.

I then started having flashes of “all the times” I had moments like these. Moments of being able to express femininity, both positive memories and uncomfortable ones; I remembered:

• always wishing I could be a figure skater, watching these ballerinas on ice, in their beautiful costumes and tender forms,
• I also remember not being interested in the males figure skaters, I fantasized about being a “ballerina on ice”
• I should also add that I spent most of my childhood/teenage years in daydream
• sneaking into my moms clothes when no one else was home, dressing up in dresses, lingerie, nylons, all sorts of stuff, all the time,
• Wearing nylons/stockings under my clothes to feel “pretty”,
• the first time I heard the song “androgynous” by the crash test dummies, and falling in love with it

• The time someone said “I’m a lesbian in a guy’s body”, trying to make a joke that they were a were a straight guy, and making fun of this girl who had come out as a lesbian (the first non-straight person I remember knowing, in junior high school (middle school) around 1995/96)
• I remember feeling so hurt for her, and then also feeling despair for myself, because I felt that the description of “a lesbian trapped in a guys body” was a good description for myself (without the insulting undertones)

wow, this is bringing up some painful memories and inner turmoil… (BTW, I am now listening to Androgynous on repeat, lol)… I remember:

• Always choosing female characters in role playing games, and always making up excuses as to why I am choosing a female characters instead of male,
• my suicide poem, that I wrote in grade 9, about an angel watching her looking over the cliff, into the jagged stones that would catch her on the way down into the water where she would be able to be carried off to sea, and the angel being unable to intervene,
• I remember using this poem in grade 11 drama, as a cry for help for my suicidal thoughts (that went unnoticed)
• I remember my 3 failed suicide attempts, grade 8, grade 9, and grade 11
• the lyrics:

Dressed me up in women's clothes
Messed around with gender roles
Line my eyes and call me pretty

 

• being more interested in erotica instead of porn, and in both erotica and porn, often picturing myself in the female role (or as the male in an emasculated role)
• With the VERY few intimate partners I have had, preferring situations that involve NOT using my penis
• loving shopping for dresses and jewelry, etc. for females that have been in my life, always being a little jealous that I can’t wear the stuff
• and living vicariously through the people I bought the stuff for, enjoying their enjoyment and love for the items, and knowing that I brought that joy to them
• taking in my niece at 9 years old, as a bachelor, becoming a single “father”overnight, and filling in the role of teaching how to do make up, manicures, letting her give me manicures
• her asking me to keep the manicures, and me doing so for months
• until a customer complained to HR about “the camera guy with fake nails” and it being decided that it did not adhere to “presenting a professional dress and deportment”
• not knowing why that was so painful at the time… I had thought it was because I was letting down my kid (niece)

there is no particular order I put this stuff in, just as the thoughts have come to mind.

my opening comment… about distress seeming to be too strong of a word… starting to feel like it wasn’t… but typing this out has been empowering.

I am a large 6’3” male, completely covered in hair (I look like a bear!!). I am less than a week from my 41st birthday, and I have never shared this with anyone… until right now.

With loving kindness;

Shaun G.

part 2… Feb. 17/2022 (the next day)

So… I got less than an hour of sleep last night

so many flashing thoughts and “remember that time when…” kept coming to mind…

Keep in mind that I was born in ‘81, and graduated high school in ‘99… a lot of these I am remembering going through need to be viewed through these lenses, that now may seem antiquated…

Growing up, we knew of “straight”, “gay”, and “lesbian”. There was also the concept of “drag queens”, but that was only just starting to be a recognized thing here…

So, this “feeling like a girl”, in my own mind didn’t make sense… because, I had no interest in the flashy and misunderstood “drag” life… and I thought that “wanting to be like a girl” also meant being gay, which I knew I am not.

I remember going to college, and all of a sudden knowing so many “out” people. I also remember Chris… who was an openly gay cross dresser whose dad disowned him. I didn’t understand what he must have had to go through all his life, I remember being jealous that he was able to dress how he wanted, this was a bubble, we were in theatre… I didn’t see the pain or anguish of being disowned.

Going to “the roost”, a members and and guests only gay bar (Chris regularly invited any of us who wanted to come). it was during this time that I had cemented in my head that I really was not gay, no interest in men at all…

during this time is also when I started having to “prove to myself that I was straight”… I ended my theatre diploma, and switched to starting a degree in Psychology. I also found the first girl I could and dived into the deep end, getting engaged and almost married.

Very dysphoric when you have no way of seeing yourself being able to fit into any of the available “boxes”… I pushed away the idea of being “a lesbian trapped in a males body”

oh… I should add that, now, I have mostly become comfortable in my own skin, although I feel like I don’t fit in any particular box, I am ok not being in a box.

At this point in my life, I have learned how to have my needs as a person met. I do think that if the knowledge available today was available in the 80s/90s, my life could be quite different. It definitely would have not had as much strife.

this is all for now… I am sure I will be adding more of my journey at some point.

????????????

Feb. 18/2022:

I’ve been wanting to talk to someone about my thoughts… but it is difficult to really figure out who.

There is my ex… we had been best friends and/or intimately involved for 20 years… but, we are at a poles length these days. She is who I would be most comfortable talking to, she is the person that I have been closest to ever in my life, and I know she wouldn’t judge… but, I don’t think she would want to be at the level of emotional intimacy for this sort of conversation. We have both struggled with the line of involvement since we decided to break up 3 years ago.

There is my niece… I know she too would be supportive, she herself is bisexual, and she has many LGB spectrum friends. But, she is only 17… and I am not sure about the shock factor impact on her. This is something that would completely change her perspective about me; like I said, I’ve not ever expressed any sort of inkling of any of this.

Or; there is my sister. The “what the fuck” factor would be HUGE! I mean, I don’t see any real issue with acceptance… just complete shock about not knowing any of this about her little brother.

Lol… what to do…

thank you all;

Shaun G.

Feb. 19/2022

So… I know it’s only been a few days… but my ADHD has gone into hyperfocus reading more and more… everything I can, learning new terms… new ideas… places on the spectrum…

I find that the best term I have found so far that I fit in is “gender-fluid”

In particular… the fluctuations between masculinity and femininity… I do feel dominantly male, but not very often greater than like 75%M/25%F… though I would say that I have also been where I feel like 25%M/75%F… I don’t think I have ever really felt 100% male nor 100% female… there have been times that I want to express my femininity more… and I have mostly done that in day dream or other “socially acceptable” ways, it is interesting about the fake nails/manicures while I was raising my older niece… that is probably the most I had expressed feminine side outside of the house… and for that I said “well I am a single dad, she wanted to paint my nails, should I deny this to her?”

it will be interesting to allow myself to present my feminine side more; I think I am going to paint my nails again.

????????????????????⚧

(interesting, there is no plain pink heart emoji, only “????????????????????????”)

With loving kindness;

Shaun G.

oh… I have now talked to my ex and my niece so far (well I have let them read this post and then chat a bit)… and I let my niece paint my nails.

Decided to go with genderfluid flag colours… seemed a way to be able to not completely out myself when I go out in public… gives me avenues of discussion if someone asks.

Anyway… it was strange… while she was painting them, there were 3 times she said “oh wow, that’s so pretty” or similar; and each time I got this physical sensation of electricity (and goosebumps)… complete contentment, glee… oh… ACKNOWLEDGEMENT!!! That’s what it was… acceptance… (sorry, that just clued into me and I got another shiver… I am in a content bliss right now…

Thank you for the kind words… this acknowledgement, even from complete strangers online is just… so… think of the spring when new plants and flowers begin to blossom… I feel like cherry blossom flowers… and it has been less than a week.

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Feb 24/2022

So… few more days passing… starting to realize that my 75/25 to 25/75 description early is probably not correct… I think that has just been how much push back I have ever had at any point in my life… just self reflection… and thinking of the joys I have taken in my hidden femininity throughout my life… the vicariously living through others… my day dreams and fantasies… and then thinking of my masculinity, and the “this is just the way it is”… not very often actually feeling JOY in my masculinity…

I still don’t know where any of this is going… way too early for that… but just the reflection I have done really pushes me to the feminine side of me.

With loving kindness;

Nico Blue