It had been a few years since my last visit to the WMM website. Since my exit from the kink world though, my outlet for degradation and power games has waxed thin. I had always enjoyed playing around with the notion of mind control and sexual obedience. Conditioned responses were always particularly interesting. Thoughts of my body becoming insatiably excited at the mere sight of my faceless Master's cock or triggering a drool response still sends waves or excitement through me. Despite the interest, I have never been able to really commit and let go of control over myself. There is always some resistance. There are reasons of course. I am loyal to my partner and I am a parent. I have no desire to set fire to my personal life or the lives or the people I love. But I do need an outlet to avoid lighting the match. I have deeply rooted desires to exist at the feet of a faceless Master begging for the pleasure of licking their boots, and squirming with desire in a perpetual state of orgasm denial. I desire to be on display as I once was when working as an exotic dancer. I desire to be reminded of my hideous reflection. So I returned to the profile I left blank 2 years ago to revisit the files I had frequented before of specific authors (EMG, Whatthe75, and ViVe). I listened only for added inspiration to reach climax and to allow my mind to drift in my own dark fantasies. I decided to skip ahead with "Curse Submit to me 2 and 3" and I am now left with the burning question of whether those repeat, sporadic visits over the last few years have finally started to sink in. I find myself frequently checking the website for updates. I reached out to the author to tell them I enjoyed their files. This contact was not consistent with the instructions in the files but hey, idle chatter can't hurt. Can it? Since contacting the author I have become infatuated. I check to see if my outbox message has been moved to the sent folder. I wonder if the author has received my message. I wonder if my message is as irritating and uninteresting to them as the previous faceless human that attempted to make contact. I find myself visiting other files of theirs but avoiding listening to a single one too frequently in an attempt to avoid becoming too attached. A little known fact is that their voice is one that never left me since the first time I listened to one of their files over a decade ago. I imagine they will tell me that they have already taken hold of my mind, even though I am in denial; even though I pretend as though I am safe at a distance and unaffected. I imagine that they send me a new file just for me and that before I have even considered the consequences I click on it to an immediately recognizable voice and a single command "On your knees slave." Silence follows and to my terror my body has responded without my mind's consent. Or perhaps with but without my knowledge. As I peer at my surroundings from the floor I hear the voice again, "if you are on your knees right now then you know. You know, Ivy, that I have already taken hold of your mind. You can try and resist. You can run away and take long breaks from WMM, but you will always come back a little more eager than before. I will be seeing you soon."

why don't I commit to the files? Because I believe that conditioned responses are possible and I want it but I don't. I can't allow my self destructive tendencies to set fire to the lives of the people I love and am responsible for - and yet I crave the deconstruction of IvySin.