Chapter 1 The Early years

Being a gay male in a very sexually repressed family is not easy. Growing up I was taught that sex was something that never should be talked about and you should learn to bury any feelings you have deep. I always was taught that sex only happens between a man and a woman and anything else was not normal. I couldn't talk about the real feelings I was having without be labeled as a freak or a pervert.

I couldn't talk about the possibility of being gay because the men in my family, mostly my older brother and father, used the word gay as if it was a swear word. Anyone that they disliked or disagreed with would be labeled gay or other words which I no longer wish to repeat. It was obvious I was different from them but it was okay as long as a was able to maintain an appearance as what they deemed normal. It was always more important to them what others thought of them than what was really happening.

Growing up in a small house made things more difficult because I had no privacy. I had to share my room with my older brother and my brother, a big bully, made it abundantly clear that the room was his and I could only use it for sleeping. When we were at home the room was his private sanctuary and no one else was allowed without his permission.

My brother got great joy from making my life at home as miserable as possible. He loved proving he was the bigger and stronger man and any time we were together we always were fighting. All the shouting and physical battles happened daily and the only joy I got was from the time I was away from. Unlike my brother I loved going to school and anytime away from him the best moments of my childhood.

I was confused about my own sexuality but was always scared to ask questions or explore who I really was because I was pretending to be what my family perceived to normal. I wanted my family to accept me for what they wanted me to be. I was fighting a battle I could not win for the love of people who never accept me.

The thing that changed me into the man I want to be started at college. I was the first in my family to go and I had only a partial scholarship and had to also work in my spare time. I got a job at the library and there I met a young woman who would begin to open my eyes to who I really was. To be continued....