On becoming Stefeni (a few jottings on my transition)

Hi my name is Stefeni, I am a transsexual, I have not completed my transition yet but I am well on the way. I made the decision late in life to be true to myself (the delay is something I now truly regret) the journey undertaken has been and is a long and hard one.and has a way to go yet I am putting down in words some of my thoughts and decisions in the hope it helps others with their transition, some of it may help some of you may wonder why I bothered, it was something I felt would help me as well as others. Maybe see it as a kind of therapy.
Everything written here is true and unexpurgated at times it may ramble but dear read please bear with it.
I hope anyone reading this that is unsure of starting out on the journey will find this of some use. Ask yourself deep down are you happy as a man if not would you be happier as a woman, if the answer is yes you need to take the path no matter what the pit falls along the way. I t took me a long time to understand this and I have missed out on so much because of it
This is not another of those stories of forced feminisation you typically get through the use of Hypnosis, though the use of it forms the pre cursor then backbone of this tale
Inside I am screaming let me be a woman I even sometimes plea with God (Don’t know if it does any good but it can’t do any harm can it I even prey to dead female relatives to intercede) I have even cried over it. Some days I look in the mirror and can see the progress other days I see my old self and despair. (I am told this is quite normal).
I am in my early 50’s have a mild disability I have had feelings of things not being right since my mid-teens though did not really react to it (a fuller account of how I got here can be found in the story ‘A late blooming flower’ / revisited’ so I am not going to repeat it all here again this story just covers the last 4 years and more to the point the last two
Well one day I was sat thinking about my Gender incongruity and decided to finally do something about it. I was already a member of WMM and listening to other files. I had tried a few feminisation ones but found them farfetched though inside the effects were what I desperately wanted total loss of genitals to be replaced by a virgina. But at this time I found others that were more appealing they dealt with attitude wanting to dress in feminine clothes now these files I took to immediately for those who are seriously wanting to change, the others are fun to listen too
Remember for hypnosis to work you really need to be in the mind-set that you want to undergo the changes the files are offering, they are an aid to your journey and can help you focus to achieve your goal they in themselves are not a quick fix solution
I would recommend an induction and deepner to a beginner several good ones on the site plus then the playlist of your choice, good ones for this include ‘female mannerisms’, ‘Comfortable in woman’s clothing’ long female hair but there are lots of other too
I still use hypnosis every night to help keep me focused though Stefeni is now a lot stronger the Stefien without it.
As I started saying I decided this was the path I needed and genuinely wanted to take I took the decision to wear a feminine top and shoes out to the pub, crudely did some eye makeup and sallied forth. Yes I did get some stick that first time even though it was the local TV / TS friendly Gay bar. The thing was I had been known on he scene for years and to them this just wasn’t me. But oh boy yes it was. I was nervous a bit down hearted spoke to one or two people about my intentions and found I had some support In there
I then started experimenting with hormones though for the first 18 months the dosage I was taking was far too low. Then got it right for about a year but had to stop for financial reasons this upset me as I saw all the good work other than my bust unravelling thankfully I am now back on a proper routine and hopefully can get back on track
As time passed I Got more confident bought only woman’s clothes when buying new ones started buying make up moisturisers etc, and have started to learn how to apply them properly.
I now get my hair cut into a bob style. It is still done at my male stylists but by the two female members of staff who are sympathetic to my needs.
I know what some of you may be thinking how do I get on at work.
Fine actually, Stefien attends work not stefeni but of course with my hairstyle, bust jewellery etc. I cannot claim to look too masculine. I would say most people I work with know the score though it has never been discussed. Outwardly it doesn’t seem to bother them, they even joke occasionally about putting me on the rota as stefeni (I have dared them to do it) at other times when working with just woman the comment was made just us girls together then today. Recently I had a young customer who thought I was a woman. It would seem as long as I don’t make a big thing about it and attend work in male uniform being TS is not an issue. For now I can live with that
Now the one thing still unresolved has been the one thing that has held me back, my mother.
Basically I am too scared to come out as TS to her, I saw the six weeks of pain she went through when I came out Gay, I really don’t want to put her trough hat again though it will come to a time when I have no choice. In her heart I think she knows, mothers do and I think she has known longer then I have accepted myself, she has asked on a couple of occasions and got a politicians answer back, i.e. answering the immediate question not the veiled bigger question or avoiding answering at all. Yes I should get it over and done with and so I can’t tell you when the right time is, but I suspect truly the sooner you feel you can in the long run the better for everyone My situation was not helped by two bereavements in the family at the time the questions were being asked. I used these not to answer again to spare her more pain she had lost my brother in law (motorcycle crash) and sister (cancer) within 18 months of each other, what right did I have to add to her anguish
But as Stefeni gets stronger I will have to finally do the deed. I think might accidently have done it a couple of weeks back we were discussing the fact I definitely have a female mind set. I love shopping clothes bags shoes woman’s magazines. We even talked about my dreams, one of being a woman in a flowing dress running through an English Summer meadow. Or strolling through the countryside in flowing dress and straw hat with my long hair blowing in the breeze (some potential script ideas here) I have had several chats with mom on this subject I just can bring myself to the point of saying Mom I am a transsexual who now wants to be called Stefeni, I just can’t yet but a great weight will be lifted when I finally have to. At the end of this most recent chat she said
If that is what is in you, you can’t do anything about it,
Then she went very quiet for a while
Don’t worry reader all is well we are going out for a meal together this week
About the same time I took my biggest step forward in permanently becoming Stefeni I cleared all my male clothing except my work uniform and a soccer shirt out of the house so I can only wear my feminine clothes at the same time I did the same with all my male items, where needed I have replaced with the female equivalent
I sleep in my nighties, wear a lovely fleecy Pink Dressing gown around the house I wear bra nd panties at all times even under my uniform the clear-out took 8 days and 22 trash bags (I virtually filled a dumpster) but I feel so so much happier
So now I sit in a clean feminine environment wishing to complete my journey I hope the people I may hurt along the way will eventually understand this was something I had to do to be complete.
Thanks for reading
Stefeni W