Siiiiiiiiiiiick........~bleh~

I've been feeling terrible over the last two weeks (not sure what I came down with), so I've been hiding from things with screens. I think I might be cleared of it over the next few days.....it hasn't been as bad since yesterday.

Too tired to go into anything deep for now, so I'll try to have something more detailed up by tomorrow night's end.

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Moving on then, I had a moment of clarity recently that I don't think I've experienced for at least a few years. Towards the end of last week (and keep in mind, I wasn't entirely feeling too well), I encountered an "acquaintance" I had not seen since the end of high school. We were a bit involved at the time, but wound up going our separate ways - last week, we were a bit amazed at how each of us have changed over the last few years & both noticed how mature we've gotten compared to back then with the way we live & think ~now~.

Our encounter actually started going sexual, though I ultimately had to stop him short of doing anything lasting on account of feeling like I might puke (though I could feel that BOTH of us really wanted it). He's gone again, but I'm left with the clarity and resolve that I really do want to find someone nice and caring to settle down with at some point - the whole thing about where I should take my future being an issue on my mind over this past year. I came to this site since it seemed very accessible and I was genuinely curious about hypnosis, though my particular files & subject was chosen on account of how uptight I was about doing anything sexual as opposed to academic (which again, I drowned myself in my work while I was schooling). One way or the other, I feel I've learned a lot through it over the last few months, and can definitely say it's helped me not be as uptight as I used to.

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I had to take a break before continuing.....it's very hard typing this sort of stuff, because I start to feel my mind slipping the longer I go on. Now that everything is up to date on my life for the moment, I'll keep going.

Being in a trance as of late is such an odd feeling......similar to knowing that you should be waking up for work/school in the morning, but you don't want to move even if the alarm is going off. When it happens, I feel like my body is as heavy as cement blocks & that I haven't an ounce of the will in me to move myself......like just allowing whatever I'm listening to wash right over me. I remember that I was "in a fog" during my holiday break at the end of last year on account of how heavy the programming was, yet I've been able to get "back to business" and serious again since my break ended.

Even if I run my loop at night, I usually wake up fine and ready to work or whatever for the day. So far as my day-to-day stuff goes, I'm content with going about business as usual and ultimately seeking a respectful & romantic relationship that is more like a sweet/cute Hollywood film rather than a porno, especially after the events of this last week (my typing is starting to go bad.....lol, I just came without noticing it; I reached down and felt my panties were wet).

Moving on, this is VERY hard to type, and I've even been wanting to get it out for a few weeks too. Especially after everything I've done with the hypnosis files here, I cannot neglect the fact that I have some REALLY demanding desires for sex, as well as a want for complete loss of control - ignoring this side of myself in the past, even while desiring to be some cute little "soccer mom", was NOT healthy in the least. When I get up on any normal morning, I feel like my normal old self now, yet I can tell that I've pushed the hypnosis/conditioning to the back of my mind - if I don't have a reason to think about any of it, it doesn't interfere (gawd, I'm getting wet again) with my everyday life. When I get turned on, even in the least, or start to think of anything even remotely related to sex & stuff, the bimbo programming starts to slide back into my mind and I lose my ability to think of anything other than sex & cocks (which is why I'm having a hard time typing....actively thinking all of this over).

I could tell, this last week when I had that "encounter", had the urge to puke not been as strong as it was at the time, I'd have probably bimbo-ed out on him and sucked him dry.....I could feel it coming in the back of my mind the whole time.

I didn't run my loop last night, but i felt like a truck blindsided me out of nowhere - I innocently started thinking about everything that happened, and ~POW~! Bimbo-mode fired up and the rest of my waking hours were spent fingering myself as my hips went thrashing about my bed & out of my control (panties are soaked now, REALLY taking a long time to get this out correctly....dizzy too). I had a dream too....that I was running around on a beach in a bikini with long blond hair & my huge tits bouncing everywhere. I woke up and have since been having trouble talking and thinking - if I'm going to say something, it's like my brain cant decide whether to talk normal, or like a bimbo, so I don't talk at all & freeze up - I'd randomly catch myself before calling myself "slut" too.

I'm a little.....concerned at this point (though vaguely turned on due to my want for loss of control) that I tranced out and went bimbo last night without any loop playing or any major sexual prompts. I wanted to just go to sleep, but I COULD NOT stop myself. Spring vacation time is also coming up, and I know I'll be free to do as I please then.....I'm okay with going overboard if I had a boyfriend around that I trusted would take care of me, but I don't want to be trying to have a normal day & randomly turning into a horny slut for no reason (like last night).

The BIG one that I've wanted to get out & explain since after my first few weeks with the bimbo programming is the hardest to get typed out since I have no will to spill this information when I'm drowning in pleasure. Shortly after I got going with the files (when I started noticing them having an effect) & at the prompt of one or two people messaging me at the time, I added 3 rules (for my own safety) to my hypnosis & layered them accordingly so as not to let them be broken.

1> (holy shit....my mind just blanked on me and I cant remember what the hell it was!!!!) ........um.....wow....that's completely gone. Moving on to #2......2> I AM NOT allowed to do anything (blanking again @_@) um.......wait! I got it back, yay! 1> I'm not allowed to post personal info, pictures, or videos of any kind anywhere, even if prompted (don't want to be popping up naked somewhere online). 2> Even if prompted, I am not allowed to leave this website to contact other people from this website....phone, chat, video included (both so I don't get myself into a spot of trouble and so that I don't accidentally get "suggestions" added that I didn't want included into my hypnosis). And 3> NO MATTER WHAT, (and in retrospect, this might have been a dumb one to add.....it was the last one I did & might not have been thinking straight) I AM NOT allowed to remove the programming (with something like a "Remove All" file) - even if prompted by someone else, I'm not allowed & MUST avoid it.

Going into this, I didn't figure that hypnosis was entirely as effective as advertised (there's a commercial out now that has a guy talking about "trying everything to quit smoking, even hypnosis").....it all seemed a little goofy - innocently starting to investigate the whole phenomena, I thought #3 would be good at the time so that I wouldn't chicken out and ~give up~ prematurely (since some testimony said it can sometimes take months to set in) - it's also why every file I've added to my loop has been a "curse" & without any on/off trigger.

I don't doubt that I could fix everything if I wholeheartedly wanted to, yet that spot in the back of my mind still wants to lose control, safe or otherwise. As things stand, I've been hitting myself with near-constant bimbo-washing (& my safety command) for the last few months, and my will has completely disappeared amidst the programming. I'm either feeling normal and going about my day, or I get turned on, touched, or vaguely think about anything remotely covered in the programming & I suddenly lose myself. I cant count how many times I've came or had trouble thinking while typing this (mind goes blank, my smarts disappear, waves of pleasure hit me, feel starved & thirsty for cocks) - it just hits without warning - but at least I got it all out & recorded now. I'm both nervous and curious to see how vacation time in Spring is going to go.

......and that is life! I'll post again once there's more stuff to talk about. Now that I don't have to keep a straight head to type, I don't need to hold back my programming anymore for today~! XD